My Singing Soul...

My Blog Has Moved!!!

2009-12-28T21:34:00.003-07:00

So this whole not sitting still issue has spilt into my blog as well now and I have decided to change hosting sites.

Check out my new blog at:

http://jenellematson.wordpress.com/

We live by faith, not by sight. ~2 Corinthians 5:7

2009-12-27T23:52:00.005-07:00

Faith to me is one of the most amazing gifts I have been given. If I were to be honest God sometimes feels like a large fairy tale that I was tricked into believing. God doesn’t speak to me (at least not in a clear definitive manner) and he’s let me slip a time or two too many if you ask me, yet somehow none of that has ever swayed my heart. My faith continues to be unmovable and as it fervently grows I am able to recognize more of God’s blessings being poured out into my life. My relationship with God and my hope for 2009 was very much blind faith this past year, blind faith that I previously cursed and now am eternally grateful for.

2009 has pretty much been one huge blessing. As I look back on my year to recount all my beautiful experiences, growths, and changes I cannot begin to fully compile my overflowing list; it really is just too big. Some of the highlights of my year have been the amazing friendships I have made, the goals I set and achieved throughout the year, being blessed to have the year off from work to enjoy myself and travel to thirteen amazing countries, getting to know my heart and my spirit in a whole new light, and having a wonderful supportive family that were kept healthy and uplifted throughout the year.

I began writing my blog a year ago which was more-so for myself. The original purpose was actually for me to work on the goals I had set for myself at the beginning of the year and hold myself accountable in a more vulnerable way. Although my blog has become much about my travels and adventures and is more censored due to my audience, I believe it served its purpose and I am very glad I began this outlet.

Im not a New Year’s resolution type person (basically cause I hate people telling me what to do, even if it’s a day of the year telling me) but last year maybe out of desperation I did write down a few goals for myself and I gotta say I am exceptionally proud of everything I accomplished this year. All but one of my goals I managed to complete in a way that I felt absolutely proud about and satisfied with. Actually, looking back on this list today really did make me smile so big with satisfaction.

My very first blog:
“This year I will smile more, I will enjoy myself and my world to a greater degree, I will challenge myself to new adventures, I will show more people my art, I will step out of my boundaries, I will try something new, I will be vulnerable, I will spend more time with God, I will relax, I will taste something foreign, I will set goals and keep them, I will be more positive, I will shave my legs more often, I will chip down my wall, I will meet new people, I will love deeper, I will work on freeing myself of my past, I will laugh more often. I will....”

And so, last years ending does indeed still apply. This blog is an opportunity for me to journal my adventures of 2010. I will share my ups (and possibly even my downs), I will log where I go, what new opportunities I arrive upon, and what makes my soul sing. Enjoy!

2010 goals are yet to come…

Home for the holidays

2009-12-23T12:08:00.001-07:00

I have been home from my trip now for just over a week and although ive promised an update I havent yet to have time to do it. My week has flown by me. It has been an intoxicating, exciting time and I haven’t even wanted or had energy to sit down long enough to write.

Fearful, bummed, resistant, contemplative; stepping onto the plane in China I had a million feelings about returning to Canada and to be honest most were negative. I had such an amazing time on my travels and I was eating up life over there, I wasn't ready to put that behind me and my anxiety was growing as I wondered about what my next steps would be when I returned. But somehow when I landed in Calgary and stepped outside into the cold it wasn't as bitter as I imagined and I felt I could breathe easier than I had before leaving. It really was an answer to a prayer.

I came home and spent a week in Calgary and now I am in Arizona visiting my family and spending the holidays here with them. I feel lighter here right now. I am excited to be back and so happy that I made the decision to be with my family for Christmas and New Years.

I cant even explain how amazing it felt to come home and sleep in my own bed. To breathe clean air, to drive to the Hat and visit my healing Grandpa, to admire the wide open space that this country is spoiled with. The endless coffees and catch ups with friends has made me feel so spoiled, and the family gatherings that make me feel at home. Eating cheese again, going grocery shopping and home cooked food has been a special treat too (it is possible I may have a pound or two to lose in the New Year). Living out of a closet rather than a suitcase, having a warm house to come home too, the convenience of my own cell phone (that is already getting way too racked up), listening to the radio, and the familiarity of a city that doesnt take effort to discover. All of it, simply all of it has been such a treat.

So much changed while I was away and I am eagerly discovering all those changes. My best friend brought a child into the world, I came back to a beautiful friend refreshed and alive again and unfortunately found another good friend grasping for his life once more, my grandfather went through major surgery and is recovering well, my sister moved to a new province, my niece began talking at a crazy rate and my nephew grew into a moose. So so many changes, yet my favorite one would have to be the change I feel inside myself now that im back. So yeah, im in love with being home for the holidays and cant wait for this next week.

Great Wall

2009-12-10T10:09:00.000-07:00

It is sad to admit that there are few things that just take my breath away or get me squirming in excitement. It is a mix of being spoiled beyond belief and from not being too crazy in my automatic reaction to things personality wise. Don’t get me wrong, its not like lots of things don’t get me excited but the whole excited beyond belief that many people get in certain situations just isn’t my style.

Last year my father took Tiffany and I to a hockey game. There was man in the row ahead of us probably in his forties and he was so excited to be there. He was taking pictures of all the players, the crowd, the jumbotron, I mean he really was trying to capture every single moment of that game. I remember sitting there wondering when the novelty of things like that wore off for me. And its not just hockey games, I mean there were times when I was wondering around some amazing countries just kinda thinking ”meh”. Im a camera fanatic and there are certain whole freakin countries that I only have maybe fifty pictures of and for me that is nothing.

The other day however I had a moment that just took my breath away. When I planned my trip to China I figured I would have to make time to see the Great Wall, I thought it would be interesting but to be honest for some reason it wasn’t anything I was super crazy about seeing. My friends that I was staying with, Tim and Rebecca decided to treat me to a day out and since they have their own car here they wanted to take me to their favorite part of the wall. They failed miserably at the description of where they were taking me and I was actually kinda disappointed they weren’t taking me to the main part. We drove for about an hour and all the sudden I saw the wall. My heart started racing and instantly I was crying. It was easily one of the most impressive things I have seen. Never in my life (or my dreams) had I envisioned being in the presences of something so old and magnificent.

Where they took me was a completely original part of the wall which was on a farmers piece of land. We paid the farmer two Kuai (rather than the standard hundred) and walked up a huge mountain on his land, climbed a raggedy old ladder to get onto the wall and had the entire place to ourselves. Can you imagine, the Great freakin Wall with no one in sight? It was insane!

For not being restored the wall was in really great shape still. I could not believe the twists and turns, the drastic uphill climbs and the steep downhill drops. Some of the wall had steps and some of it was flat rocks so I was climbing at a huge angle with my nose practically touching the hill I was climbing. The wall went on for as long as I could see, it winded up and down in a magical way. It was intense to think about the endless labor that went into building the wall, the bodies buried deep below us, the profound meaning, the age, I mean all of it was simply unbelievable.

I have seen many incredible things in my life. Some the natural beauty of the world, some the magnificent wonders that man has made, but the Great Wall absolutely topped one of the most incredible things that I have witnessed. The day I went to the Great Wall was the day of Kiyas birthday. It was really neat to me that I was blessed with such intense beautiful feelings on the exact same day two years in a row. It was symbolic to me I guess, and I was so thankful to see something so brilliant on such a special day.

How much is that doggie in the window??

2009-12-09T10:52:00.000-07:00

To all my vegetarian friends and animal lovers, do not read on! One of the things I was interested in experiencing when I came to china was the different foods they have here and so far I have definitely had my fair share.

The first new food for me was chicken butt hole soup….mmm sounds delicious hey? It wasn’t bad but the butt hole itself is exceptionally chewy and it got to me after a while. In China they eat the entire chicken except the breast. In bigger cities like Beijing you can go to the store and buy chicken breast but it is nearly impossible in a restaurant. Usually the breast is shipped to other places (because it is worth so much more) and they eat the rest of the body. At the store you can buy preserved chicken feet as a snack, they eat every part of the inside and often sell the individual body parts on a stick at a barbeque stand. I have tasted nearly every part of a chicken including boiled skin, intestine strips, and fried fat.

Speaking of meat on a stick they have those bbq stands everywhere. At the stands you can buy anything you can imagine including snake, scorpions (which I also ate), shark meat (again I ate), sheep penis (which is insanely long), starfish, blowfish, cocoons, all sorts of insects, and cow balls. Yesterday I ate donkey and it was very good, one of my favorite meats ive ate here actually (it beats Asian beef even). They serve it cold in thin slices and it tasted kinda like a preserved beef.

Today I did every animal lovers worst nightmare and I tried eating dog. But for all you puppy owners don’t hate, its not as bad as it sounds. Dogs here are bread for eating purposes (like they originally were long before they became household pets). They are raised on farms the same as chicken, pigs, and cows and cooked in all sorts of ways. I decided to have the cold plate that is covered in a Korean type sauce. It was alright, I think if I would have known it was a different animal I would have enjoyed it a bit more. It was kinda like roast beef the way it shreds and it was quite tough too. It really wasn’t bad but I must admit the thought of little Coca smelling my breath after I ate one of her own made me a touch sad. I am glad I ate it, it is important for me to try foods from the different countries I visit but I will admit it isn’t going to be on the top of my list next time I order from a restaurant.

So yeah, that is my experience with food here. In the south you can still go to restaurants and order monkey brain. They put the monkey under your table pull its head up through a hole in the middle of your table, kill the monkey, open the scalp, and cut off pieces of the brain and fry them up on a hot plate. I will not be in an area that does that and I don’t know if I could anyway but it sure sounds interesting. Im not sure if there will be any other foods ill be experiencing but im not into turning down much so I guess we will see what else my little taste buds will be devouring!

Awkward Acquaintances

2009-12-09T10:47:00.000-07:00

Today was my first experience on the train in China. I took a twelve hour overnight train to Wuxi from Beijing. I was quite nervous at first maybe because my wallet was stolen here and I heard theft was bad on the train. Thankfully it turned out to be a fine night, my stuff was left alone, and I had a decent sleep. I took the hard sleeper (its much cheaper) which means there are six beds to one room (three stacked on each side) and no door for privacy. I was in the middle bed at eye contact level for anyone who walked by. I was the only white person on the train and people would just stop in my doorway and stare. This has been a frequent occurrence in China since arrive, sometimes I find it very annoying and sometimes I just find it confusing. Case and point people staring at me while im trying to sleep, I mean I get it, many people especially the older generations coming from the villages literally have never seen a foreigner and some of them are just simply intrigued but what is the point of watching someone in bed? And its not like when I look at them they look away, sometimes people will stare for a good ten or fifteen minutes no matter if you stare back, smile, or shake your head, like I said its just confusing.

There was one lady probably about thirty who walked past my cabin a few times in the night and just smiled at me. In the early morning when the bed underneath me opened up she walked by again and jumped on the chance. She moved all her stuff into my cabin and I woke up a few times to her just staring at me and smiling. I would politely smile back and close my eyes again. Then I felt a quick tap and when I woke up again she was offering to share her cereal with me. Many Chinese (especially the older generation) take a lot of pride in being very polite to visitors which includes foreigners, so many times I will be walking down the street and someone will stop me, dig through their purse, offer me a candy they found at the bottom of their bag or pocket, smile, and walk away. Not wanting to be rude myself I awkwardly took a bite of her breakfast. She then took out a huge loaf of banana bread ripped it in half ate one side herself (without hands which was quite amusing) and gave me the other half. Next thing I know we are sharing a lemonade, eating apples, and using the same napkin. It was a surreal experience, I really cant describe it in any other way than very confusing.

There have been many similar situations since arriving here and they all just make me laugh. Whether it is taking my picture, coming up to shake my hand, or mocking my laugh (which is apparently a huge gut buster around here), I have just felt like im having an out of body experience so many times. After the train I got on a bus and was sitting in a row by myself. There was a really good looking guy that had been eyeing me up in the train station and he came to sit down on the row across from me. He knew minimal English but still managed to try and have somewhat of a conversation. When we realized it wasn’t going past “where are you from” he resorted to sharing with me his coffee candies and French bread. After a while I was off in lala land and my window was all fogged up so I resorted back to childhood entertainment and drew a big heart so I could see out the window. About ten minutes later I look over at the guy and he drew an arrow on his window. Aww it was so cute, it’s a different kind of non verbal flirting around here for sure, actually its probably the most adorable flirting ive experienced but where the heck do you go with it? I smiled and just kinda felt awkward the rest of the way.

I only have another week left here but I cant wait to have my next awkward experience. They happen so often and are always so interesting that although they make me feel not-so-nice inside at times, I also cant wait till the next one just to see what its all about. Ohhh China you sure do make me smile.

Life in the fast lane

2009-12-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

In China much is based on appearance. Although it is similar at home, it really is on a whole new level here and hard to adjust too. It was explained to me by a few Chinese people I have met along the way that status is exceptionally important but so is privacy. Rather than being intrusive and asking personal questions about what a person does they just show everyone. Through clothing, jewelry, hair styles, what you own and whatever else it is very obvious here what socioeconomic status people fit into.

One of my friends that I met here used to go to the zoo and rent a dog for an hour. They had a selection of dogs to choose from, brought in from many different countries. You would pick your dog and go into a gated area and walk it in a circle for an hour or two. This was a big thing for Chinese people because only the richest people could afford dogs here (the bigger the dog this richer the person because they would have to have a bigger house to keep the dog in). She said this was really special because dogs were so rare here so not only did she get to feel what it was like to have and walk a dog, she also got to feel rich for the hour, and take many pictures to show her friends. It was so interesting for me to hear about this.

A Chinese couchsurfing host of mine is a teacher and she was teaching a class on happiness the other day. She said any time she teaches this class the first automatic answer is money which usually is in the form of owning a house and a car. It is typical that the top five answers or so are based around financial position and then they move on to feelings, love, respect in the community, family, etc. This is one of the reasons Chinese like foreigners so much. Traveling is a huge sign of money for them so they believe every person visiting from another country has a lot of money themselves. What they don’t necessarily realize is that Chinese people have the hardest time out of anywhere to receive a traveling visa. Among an endless list of requirements is the sheer fact that you need to own a house or a business with at least 50 000 down on it before the Chinese government would even consider letting them leave the country. So for them traveling is the ultimate sign of money and position and for those who cant afford it they love to dream away about foreign lands and fill their ears or eyes with people from afar.

Beijing has grown and changed an exceptional amount in the past ten years. It is almost unrecognizable. Every skyscraper and tall apartment has been built within the last dozen years; only a decade ago Beijing was still a countryside looking city. My friend was talking about how fast things would change here. She said one day cells phones came out and they were huge bricks only for the rich and overnight the small ones hit the street and every single person owned them. Can you imagine things changing that fast, literally! One day they would tear down a community and literally the next day there would be a park with green grass and a playground on the property. For the Olympics they were told they had to build a whole new underground subway line that goes across the entire city in less than six months and they did it! That is unheard of, a whole freakin subway line! When my friends parents bought their first home they paid 5000 rmb for a two bedroom apartment (which is only about 800 dollars), today they could sell it for over 500 000 rmb now and they have only owned it for 15 years! The growth here is amazing and truly unbelievable, it has been my favorite fascinating topic of conversation with the local Beijingers.

Life here moves at lightning pace and it is quite interesting to learn about but as for keeping up I think I can count myself out on that one!

Birthday Girl!

2009-12-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

One year ago today the most magical thing I have ever experienced happened to me. On this very day last year I watched a child being brought into this world. It was simply the most amazing thing I have witnessed.

Last year Tiffany called me and said she was having some problems and needed to go to the hospital. Because she was so early (nearly two and a half months) they were doing what they could to not have to deliver sweet little Kiya quite yet. We sat there for hours just talking, waiting for some test results, and fooling around to lighten the air. Then out of the blue a nurse comes in, essentially tackles Tiffany to the hospital bed and says shes needs to deliver the baby now. Through all the confusion I just wanted to support Tiffany and I never even realized the power of what was happening at the time, I never realized the depth of what I was going to experience.

Tiffany said I could watch the labor so they put me in a little glass room and there I was left to watch the delivery take place. Still, I did not realize the depth of this moment in my life. I was anxious because at this time the blind was down and I just wanted to see Tiffany, the moment they put the blind up I saw the fear in her face and I wanted the blind down again, I didn’t know how to handle it all. That blind marked a pivotal moment for how I saw my sister. It was like the moment it was lifted I was looking into the eyes of a mother. I saw the fear of a mom, the joy of anticipation for her baby to be born, and the look of selflessness that only a mother can have.

It was strange. I was looking at my sister and that was all she was to me, just my sister. My baby sister with big ass glasses and huge front teeth, brave enough to jump out of the top floor window in our house because she trusted me, small enough to throw around, and dorkier than you could ever imagine. But then I blinked and magic happened. I opened my eyes and my little sister melted away, in a millisecond she became a mother, a beautiful woman who made a child and brought life into the world. LIFE people, can you comprehend how amazing that is?

And so, a year ago today I watched a child, my niece being born. I watched the tiniest little human being take her first breath of life. At about this time last year I was the crazy Auntie standing in the window taking a million pictures and unable to wipe the grin off my face. There are moments in life that forever change you and watching Kiya being born was one of those moments for me. To see a baby take their first breath of life, to see how life starts so small and ends so big, it was intense. It was by far the most beautiful gift I have ever received.

And with that my prayer for today is this…
Lord thank you so much for the gift of Kiya. Thank you for creating such a beautiful child to bless my sister with. Lord I pray for Tiffany and Kaleb today that You just wrap their hearts in Your hands and hold them so close to You. Help them to celebrate the life of their daughter today and to receive the gift of peace. Lord first birthdays are so special and I pray You make Kiyas an absolute delight. Spoil her like crazy with lots of hugs and kisses, send her all the love of her family today, and let her eat as many cupcakes as her little heart desires. Thank you so much Lord for all you blessed my family with a year ago today. Send Kiya my birthday love and let her know her Aunty is thinking of her lots. In Jesus name, Amen!

Happy Birthday Kiya Jade, Star belly Sneetch, today is your day baby girl!

Beautifully Flawed...

2009-12-03T06:47:00.004-07:00

Written: December 2nd 2009

I am beautifully flawed. I am wonderfully made yet filled with blemishes. I am an enticing mess, a delicious disaster. I am me, I am whole, I am broken, I am loved.

Today, I am broken, actually lately I have been broken. I don’t know if it is my travels coming to an end, the fact that I am feeling very small, insignificant, and lonely in the world lately, or that I am unaware of where my constantly changing heart will lead me when I arrive home. It is a pile of things lately, but that pile seems to be rolling into a path of ruin and my heart is worried.

You see I don’t know, I simply do not know what I want from myself. When I arrive home I want so many things, none of which can be done simultaneously. I think most people know the general direction they want their lives to go. Whether it is working on a relationship, settling down in a little city, traveling the world, whatever it is it is generally a simple direction they chose to go in. Me…nope, never. I want to go home and fall madly in love. I want to get my own little place in Calgary and get all settled in with a job. I want to move to BC, either Vancouver or Kelowna to see if my load would be lighter without those harsh Alberta winters. I want to move to Europe and date a million Europeans till I find the one who doesn’t just capture my heart (which is sometimes too easy of a mission) but who also captures my attention for more than one year down the line. I want to be a bum in my parents basement, save more money and continue to travel. I want to find a home business so I can have that up and running by the time I begin having children. I want to put some of my great little ideas into life and make nick knacks to sell at some hippy booth in a farmers market (which seem so magical to me). I want to practice my career again and do what my heart loves and yet I want to find the simplest most stress free job that makes me the most money. I want to move far far away to a land that captures my soul (I have many in mind) yet I don’t want to live far away from my family.

Contrary to many popular opinions I do not want it all, if I did this blog literally would not end but I am aware I want a lot. It is a simple equation of process of elimination I suppose but for some reason I cannot do that. I want too many things, too many opposing things and it is leaving me feeling like I am drowning in confusion. One day I want this, the next day I want that.

And so, as “home” draws near I draw back and anxiety becomes a good friend of mine. How do I make a decision and not regret leaving a different option behind. How do I figure this out? And why the heck don’t I have a general direction, most people seem to have that yet I don’t have the slightest idea. I want all my wants and it is simply not an option.

A while back I finished a book called Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho and in it he wrote:
She thought she would feel happy because she was going home, but she wasn’t. She thought she would feel sad because she was leaving a city that had treated her so well, but she didn’t. The only thing that she could do now was to shed a few tears, feeling rather afraid for herself, an intelligent young woman, who had everything going for her, but who tended to make the wrong decisions.

I love this quote, it makes me feel comfortable. I don’t think I always make the wrong decisions but I am scared this time I will make the wrong decision and I wont know the difference until it is too late. Oh good ol home, I cant wait to get there just to leave again!

Fun times!

2009-12-03T06:47:00.003-07:00

Written: November 24th 2009

How is it that less than two days after my last blog I am already eating my words?

Tonight I got my wallet stolen and let me tell you it was not fun. At first I panicked, went through my stuff again and again, after a short while I resorted to bawling my face off in the middle of the city center. I tried to ask people for help, to ask for the police, but nothing, dozens and dozens of people and no one spoke English. I get it, its CHINA seriously why would they speak English, I mean its not going to be long until all those English speaking people will be learning Chinese themselves, but come on, its so frustrating. With each person that responded to my one word questions with a blank response or a “hello” hoping that it would somehow prove they do indeed speak English my chin began to quiver and the tears opened like flood gates. My only solution became to sit on the steps and sob. It felt good at the time but within minutes I had a crowd of oh maybe twenty or thirty people surrounding me just to stare so I quickly got up and went back into action mode. Actually a few of them were laughing too; I don’t get what this whole laughing at people, in people’s faces is all about but I do not like it one bit.

So yes, here I am in a small town that doesn’t even have a western union. My wallet is gone, my ID cards, my visa, my cash, my debt card, my departure card which I need to leave the country, all of my memorabilia plane tickets of the last eight countries I have visited, a bunch of papers that were important, and a few bandaides (which might I add are freakin expensive here). Im stuck and so very frustrated!

You know the worst part, it was totally my fault. I wear a sling purse with no zipper so I always have it over my chest so it is tight, no one can get in, and I can see it at all times. I was in a rush, trying to order food and I left it over my shoulder which is prime time for pickins. Isnt it the worst when things like this happen and you know its your fault? You play it over and over in your head thinking you should have done this or that and why were you so stupid. Uhg I just keep kicking myself!

I went to the police and thankfully my CouchSurfing host came to meet up with me or nothing would have been accomplished there since they don’t speak English either. Basically they too laughed at me and said even if the money is gone people wont bother phoning in or returning an empty wallet. I am out of luck and they had no solutions to offer. On the upside they gave me a ride in the back of their car with the lights on, it was kinda cool.

The cool thing that happened was that in the midst of my frustration from the thief I was reminded how giving people are here. First, in my bawling fit a man who did not speak English approached me and signed to go with him to find a computer. He took me to an internet café so he could translate from Chinese to English “you look like you need help, what can I do”, it was so kind. He was the one who phoned the police and my host for me and got everything sorted out. He did not speak a word of English and still found a way to communicate with me to make sure I was alright. It was extremely kind. After I thanked him profusely he typed (translated) “yes I think I am very brave for what I did”. It was cute. It made me smile.

Also, I found someone who spoke English (or so she said) and asked her to write in Chinese a note that said “I lost my wallet, have you seen one”. It sounds stupid I know but my wallet was stolen at one stand and literally five stands down I realized it was gone so I had a short distance to cover and desperate times call for desperate measures. Anyway, I was showing people my note and everyone was handing me money, I mean dozens of people were pulling out their wallets and trying to give me anywhere from one yuan to twenty. I didn’t take it and soon found out that my note actually said “I have no money to get home, can you give me some”. I felt a little stupid when I found out but I also felt very overwhelmed and warm by how many people were willing to help out. I know for a fact that simply would not have happened at home and it was a good reminder of why I love other countries so much. I suppose everywhere you go there is always the “bad apple” but I am grateful that bad apple has not spoiled the bunch, at least not for me.

Beyond Beauty…

2009-12-03T06:46:00.002-07:00

Written November 22nd, 2009

I have been in China for thirteen days now and I am enjoying myself so much. So far I have stayed in Hangzhou the whole time. Ive met a lot of people who are changing cities every few days when they travel and although they are able to see more places, I would rather relax and enjoy the places I am seeing. With that being said I am now on a bit of a time crunch for the different places I want to visit and the time that I have left to see them. My visa expires on the 13th so I have exactly three weeks left to see a gigantic freakin country. So far the other cities that I want to visit are Guilin, Guangzhou, Macau (maybe), Beijing, and Shanghai. My plans have changed a lot, I add and subtract cities on almost a daily basis so I am not too sure where exactly I will go but I am hoping to see them all. Unfortunately I will not have time to venture into the West but hey maybe I will stick to that side next time I come back!

Hangzhou has been such a lovely city to visit. Today I spent the whole day wandering West Lake and I was in love. It is absolutely one of the nicest lakes I have visited. It is surrounded by city skyline on one side and the mountains on the other. There is a constant haze to the city and for those of you who edit pictures and love the option of “soften” as much as I do, that is exactly how the city looks to me all the time. It is so pretty. Today I watched the sun set from the top of the Leifeng Pagoda and I was amazed. It was the first time I saw something so beautiful that it gave me the feeling of nervousness. I was also able to visit the Lotus Gardens, the Temple of Yuefei, the viewing fish in the Flowering Harbor, Chenghuang Pavilion, and some very beautiful bridges that are quite well known around here as well. All of it was breathtaking. I am not sure how the rest of my trip will go but I am already planning on visiting Hangzhou for a few more days before heading back home; it is too beautiful to not see twice!

Tomorrow I am off to Guilin. It is supposed to be another very pretty place to visit so I am really looking forward to it. Although China is a very busy place, depending on where you are it is also a very calm and peaceful place as well. With all of the countries I have visited lately calm isn’t exactly the word choice I would use to describe them (whether that be from the place itself or how I was traveling it). I am very happy that although China wasn’t my planned final destination it is where I ended up staying for my last month on the road. When I look around my eyes are introduced to landscapes I could never even dream up if I tried. There is such a newness in the air and every time I blink I find myself opening my eyes to a world that is so far off and foreign. I really really enjoy China and I hope that amidst all the day to day frustrations that come with traveling to a place so unfamiliar I will still be able to find this much beauty during the rest of my time here.

Reminiscing on regrets

2009-12-03T06:46:00.001-07:00

Written November 19th, 2009

There are few things in life that I feel I have missed out on so far. Whether or not it has been a good choice or not I have essentially done everything that I have ever wanted too. I mean really when I think back on my life there is little that I can think of that I desperately wanted and didn’t do. Sometimes it would have made life easier had I not done them and sometimes it would have saved my heart from a lot of pain if I would have made a different decision. I don’t believe in the whole live your life with no regrets. I think if you didn’t regret certain situations then you didn’t truly learn from them.

Is it strange that one of my regrets is never living in a college dorm? Ive been staying on campus here and I love it. I love waking up and wandering the halls in my slippers to grab some water for my hot chocolate. I love sitting out in the hallways and greeting the same familiar faces every day. I love hearing the action in the hallway on a busy Friday evening. I really enjoy the cheap warm food that is cooked for me essentially any time of the day. I am in love with the convenient community feel where anything I want is within a few minute walk at a cheap im-such-a-poor-student rate. I love the on-campus activities, the friendships that are built, the late night sleepovers because there is too much to talk about, and the dorm romances swirling in the air, ohh I really do just love it all.

Unfortunately I feel like one of those stubborn thirty five year old men who have lived their life single for so long no girl wants them cause they don’t know how to get out of self for long enough to be interesting. As much as I love dorm life I don’t see it in my future any time soon. Im too used to independent living, having lots of my own space, parking my car directly in front of my house, and I am very used to the idea of not going back to school again. So, its official I am chalking up dorm living to another notch on my list of regrets. In the mean time Ill be wandering the halls pretending im a student who cant find my class, ill be chatting it up in the mess hall while eating too much food, and ill be falling asleep to the busy footsteps outside my door of all those young college lives….ahhh the dorm life!

Oh the joys…

2009-12-03T06:45:00.001-07:00

Written November 15th, 2009

So after being in China for about 48 hours I have already managed to find myself in a few awkward situations and a few frustrating ones. Since traveling around in Europe in the summer and then SE Asia the only clothes I had coming here were summer clothes. I figured China has great cheap clothes so I would do a bit of shopping in my first few days and be fine. So I figured.

I got off the bus arriving in Hangzhou in the freezing cold with only my sandals on. As soon as I stepped off a crowd of people gathered around me and literally covered their mouths with one hand and pointed at me with the other hysterically laughing at the stupidity of my footwear choice. Suddenly it felt like I was in grade four again after Jennifer whats-her-face peed on the slide and tricked me into going down after. I don’t know why but it was so freakin embarrassing.

I got the hint and decided the next day I would wake up bright and early to find myself a pair of shoes. The only problem was when I was walking around that evening one of those pedal bikes that is loaded with boxes as high and wide as a large vehicle (literally, it really is amazing) ran over my freaking foot and broke my sandal. My foot managed to escape in one piece but me and my broken pride were left walking around China with one sandal in the freezing cold. Imagine my sheer joy when I woke up the next morning preparing to sneak off to the market when I began to hear the sound of pouring rain. My only option was to sport my mighty sexy bright pink and red striped slippers out to the streets in the pouring rain. I thought it was bad with my sandals debacle but imagine a little blonde girl moseying down the road in the pouring rain wearing her sobbing wet slippers without a bloody umbrella. Quite frankly I am sure I just looked down right pathetic. Thankfully I met a really great girl on campus and after a few minutes talking and a few awkward glances down she offered to take me up to her dorm and lend me a pair of shoes for the day…ah at last!

Thankfully I am now a proud new owner of a great pair of boots and some nice and cheap shoes (remind me how excited I am about my new footwear when I try to stuff them all in my backpack). What I did learn was that shopping for shoes at home and shopping for shoes here is a much different experience. Do you know how much work went into finding those shoes?? Starting with the impossible task of having to find a shoe store that actually carries a size 7.5-8, then you have to swallow your pride and actually ask for that size since they look at you like your some abnormal giant. Oh but wait, you actually need to find your way there first. Taxis here are a decent price, to go from one end of the city to the other is probably about three Euros tops but since traveling I can still count on one hand how many times Ive used a taxi and I would like to keep it that way. Yeah they are handy and they make life a lot easier to travel around especially in a country where you don’t speak the language but its really not my thing. The bus is way cheaper (by a long shot) and its actually quite enjoyable. Plus I think if I knew the language it would be a pretty easy system to use, the only problem is I don’t know the language, at all. So what normally would take me twenty minutes on a bus right now averages out to about two hours, and that’s just an average sometimes its still way more. The busses are packed with crazy amounts of people and there is no heat so in this cold it gets a bit ridiculous after a few hours. I ended up on a freaking bus for almost four hours the other day because I refused to admit defeat and grab a cab. Tip number one, stubborn plus terribly humbling traveling circumstances do not mix well.

So yeah, my first few days in China have been a bit frustrating at times. But still I am having so much fun. I really really enjoy this country and I cannot wait to see more of it. Frustrating experiences and all I cannot believe how much I am enjoying this place and I am already getting sad to be leaving it behind.

My first taste of China

2009-12-03T06:44:00.000-07:00

Written November 14th, 2009

Wow I have been in China for less than twenty four hours and it is so overwhelming. When I told people I was going to India they talked about how it was going to be such a shock to my senses, so completely far off from the world I am used too, in a lot of ways India does not even remotely compare to China in that regard. It is wild here! I am in a city in the east called Hangzhou and it is packed with people. I went to the mall today and you literally could not walk at even slow pace, we were foot shuffling through the whole place. The apartment buildings are huge skyscrapers that go on for endless miles, piling as many people as they can house into the smallest piece of land possible. And for so many people you would think it would be a little easier to find someone who can speak English, but no it is nearly impossible. It is places like this that remind me how small and insignificant I am in this big world. Since arriving I have been so excited to be here, this is exactly the kind of thing I think about when I dream of adventures. But I also have this huge “what the heck am I doing” question lingering around in my head. I mean its only been a day but right now it feels like traveling around on my own is nearly going to be an impossible feat. I really have no idea how I am going to get from one place to another, I’m not kidding, its like winning the lottery when you find someone that speaks English well enough to understand more than just the basic questions, so how am I going to get from one place to another on my own? Mind you I am in a smaller place and the majority of places I am going are big cities so I am sure it will be easier once I get there, once being the operative word.

The weather is crazy cold here too. Today was +10 but it felt like what it would at home around -15-20. I don’t get why and it probably doesn’t help that I came from +35 or more but I really wasn’t expecting this kind of cold. People said that it would be cold but when I would look at the weather and see +10, +15 I thought they were all crazy for thinking it was “sooo cold” but nope, they were indeed very right. I am completely unprepared in the wardrobe department and I cannot get enough of layering my clothes. Most buildings are not heated (even the malls and restaurants) so I have a chill all day long, every time I get in from a day out I race to the shower and soak myself in the warmest water possible, its my favorite part of the day.

Another thing that is different to get used to again is the smoking. Many people smoke here (although not as many as I expected) but they smoke everywhere. Right now I am staying in the university dorms and you see students walking down the hallways smoking cigarettes. Every restaurant table has smoking which is so weird to me; I don’t know how considering its only been a few years since they stopped that at home but it already seems so foreign to me. With cigarettes being so cheap in Asia I am smoking a ton right now, I don’t think being allowed to smoke everywhere is going to help my cause. Uggg-must-quit-smoking!

And manners, wow, so much of what my parents taught me at home does not apply here. It’s not that Chinese are rude necessarily, its more that they have grown up with a completely different set of guidelines to what is and what’s not considered rude. Spitting (even inside buildings), screaming at the top of your lungs to a complete stranger, jumping ahead in line, pushing yourself through a crowd of people, laughing in someone’s face, down to drinking your soup from the bowl, all of it is completely normal here and no one thinks twice about whether or not it is rude. It is most definitely a different set of rules here.

Hangzhou itself is a beautiful city, no matter how congested some of the buildings get they have made sure to leave lots of room for parks and streets lined with beautiful greens. I am excited to go and see some of the scenic parts of the city in the next few days. Go on google images and look up the city, it is so charming and they apparently have one of the prettiest lakes in China. I leave Hangzhou to travel around China on my own for a few weeks. Im not too sure where yet or how I will get home but I am sure it will be very interesting. I will try and update everyone as much as I can along my journey, wish me luck!

We all get sick of sand in our shoes...

2009-11-12T07:04:00.000-07:00

But we call all agree on one thing, tans fade, highlights get dark, and we all get sick of sand in our shoes…

As much as I would like to pretend it away, my biggest confession on this trip would be that I have now become addicted to Gossip Girl! Juan downloaded a few episodes to keep me entertained on our long bus rides and now although I don’t even like the darn show I find myself wanting to see each and every episode. Im not even going to justify my terrible new taste in junk television but I will say the quotes they come up with send me into hysterics sometimes. Take the above for example, oh how I love it. And for once I found myself relating, it was one of those “im not laughing at you, im laughing with you” situations (which is a rarity when I watch the show).

So with that being said I am indeed getting sick of sand in my shoes, literally and figuratively.

Didn’t some wise old man once say everything must come to an end? I guess for me that is true, my travels although not over (ever) must come to an end for now. I am ready to go home, I am ready to unpack my bag and live out of a closet rather than a backpack. I am ready to have my own clean bed to crawl into every night, to have my dog curl up beside me while a read a book on my comfy couch. I am ready to drive to Tim Hortons and eat fresh salad every day, I am ready to smell clean air and call my friends in the same time zone on my own phone. I am ready to spend time with my family again and build a little home for myself.

There is a part of me that could travel forever. Especially if I had a family I could just be on the move to a new country all the time but right now I need a little calmness. I went away to travel and relax and the ironic part is I now want to go home to wind down…and I like that. My goodness, in the past six months I have been to India, Canada, Spain (three times), France (twice), Germany, Italy, Thailand, Cambodia, and Malaysia, and I am still heading off to see another two or three countries. Traveling gives me this beautiful world, it opens my eyes, and brings such a light into my life. I become ignited with a passion to see more, do more, and meet new people. I become more still in life and more grateful for the many blessings I have been given. But for the first time in many years I have also become homesick, I miss my world I have left behind and I am reminded that my life is not beautiful simply because it is, it is beautiful because I choose to make it that way no matter where I am.

So with that being said I have decided to come home. I really wanted to stay at least a few more months in Asia and I wanted to try and work over here just to give it a shot and see what it is like. The thought though of not being with my family for Christmas made me sad, it is too important to me. It was going to be a surprise for my parents as one of their Christmas gifts but with my big mouth I knew it would just be too hard. So Mom and Dad, surprise, one more month and you will be listening to my never ending sarcasm and bantering, and wondering when the heck my next adventure will be; I cant wait to see you guys soon, love you!

Short and sweet Malaysia

2009-11-11T09:29:00.001-07:00

So Malaysia turned out to be quite the adventure for us…or should I say lack thereof. This really is a beautiful country and I was in love with all the green beauty from the moment I arrived. We landed in Kuala Lumpur and have spent the majority of our time here; it is so much different from anywhere I have been yet in Asia. There are magnificent skyscrapers that cover the skyline, there are the biggest malls I have seen in my life with any high-end store you could imagine, and comparatively it is an exceptionally clean place. And talk about a mix of cultures which so wonderfully intertwine. Malaysia is filled with Malays, Indians, Islamic, and Chinese people which combines to make such a lively and interesting place to be. I really really liked the city and wished I could have spent more time going about Malaysia but unfortunately it didn’t work out that way.

We arrived on a Wednesday, spent the next day settling in and then on Friday we went to the Chinese embassy to get our visas done. Unfortunately they needed more paper work than was listed on the website so we were sent home and told to come back on Monday. This put a bit of a damper on our plans as we were hoping to get away for a few days. Saturday Juan ended up being sick so we couldn’t go anywhere and then Sunday we escaped for a day trip to Melaka. Monday we went in to get our visas done, Tuesday was another sick day (for both of us this time), then Wednesday when we went to leave to the rainforest for a few days we realized that our flight did not actually leave on Sunday like we thought but on Friday morning instead. Uggg, so annoying! This meant that we had to cancel our trip to the rainforest so we could pick up our visas early Thursday morning and leave the following day. So yeah, the trip was pretty much a bust. Between being sick and getting our Chinese visas we were not able to do much of anything. I am still glad we were able to make it here but it really is unfortunate we were not able to see more of the country.

What we did see though was beautiful. I think this is the greenest place that I have been to in my life. Everywhere you look it is covered in lush forest with incredible plants and flowers, and there are rolling hills and big valleys all around, even in the city. We went to Melaka for a day and I loved the place. It was really cute and small yet still really lively and there was a ton of history and things to do. Ninie set us up with some of her friends and we had such a great time with them. It was really nice for me cause they were both from Canada (Jordon from Winnipeg who moved to Malaysia and Bruce from Toronto who moved to Singapore). It was great to be able to talk about home and what we miss, especially when it came to the food! They showed us around brought us to a temple, a mosque, the market, St Pauls Church where the St Francis Xavier was buried originally, and we even went to a traditional tea ceremony which was so nice and enjoyable. The day was great, the company was better, and to think we only got a taste of what Malaysia has to offer.

A friend of Juans hooked us up with his old flatmate from when he was living here for us to stay with. From our first email introduction to Ninie she was one of those delicious people who is so nice you don’t even know how to respond. Without knowing us Ninie and her roommate Anna welcomed us into their beautiful home and invited us to make it our own for a few days. Ninie and her boyfriend Faroq took us to some wonderful restaurants, they spoiled us with wonderful evenings out in KL, and they graciously opened their lives up to us in such a beautiful way. Oh and since Ninie is a fabulous yoga instructor here with her own studio BeYoga, she even had us bending and stretching in ways that my newly plump-too-much-Asian-food body was not quite ready for. One of my favorite parts about traveling is getting to meet all these new people, to have new friends come into your life and add something a little extra special to your world, Ninie, Anna, and Faroq definitely did that during this trip.

So Malaysia although short and simple was a very nice trip. I hope to someday come back here and discover these lands more but for now I am off to China to see what may be in store for me there.

Pai, Chiang Mai, and a Thailand goodbye!

2009-11-02T08:25:00.002-07:00

This week was a really good time. Juan and I finally made it to the North of Thailand where we were able to move away from the hustle and bustle of the big city and settle into some calmer cities and towns. First we went to Chiang Mai which was a really great place and then after that we went to Pai.

Pai was an amazing little town, it was just what I needed actually. The drive was absolutely insane, I have never seen more jagged and winedy roads and with every sharp turn my stomach knotted up and I envisioned spraying the mini bus with a little treat from my tummy. Actually much to my embarrassment I will admit the drive made me have my first breakdown as I crawled out of the bus and started crying in frustration with the drive and how sick I felt. On the upside, Pai is in the mountains with incredible scenery and fresh air where you could finally smell the color green! The town itself was small; it was easy to walk in a half an hour, no long bus rides, no waiting for motos, no honking or traffic, just a nice stroll through the town. It was very much a little hippy art town. As always the roads were lined with vendors and markets but this time most of the markets were art, crafts, homemade village items, or photography. The streets were filled with great music (finally no Jack Johnson which everyone seems to play here) and the vibe was just really chill. Pai allowed us to once again be lazy for a while, to bum around town not doing much of anything, and to make the days biggest goal finding a delicious fruit shake.

Chiang Mai was also a lot of fun. We were very lucky because although we didn’t plan it or even know about it, we ended up being around in one of the best places to celebrate the Loi Krathong festival (festival of lights). For two days the sound of firecrackers filled the air every evening and the night sky was light up with beautiful “krathongs” (they are like paper hot air balloons or lanterns that float up into the sky). They also set afloat thousands of banana leaf floats down the river, filled with beautiful flowers, candles, and incents. When asking some of the Thais what the meaning of the festival was many people gave different answers, some believed it was an offering to Buddha, some believed you were supposed to let all the negative in your life go as you released your float or lantern, and some believed it was their way of apologizing to the river for polluting and stealing the water. Whatever the meaning you choose to follow the ceremony was beautiful and it made the city a delightful sight for those few days.

Thailand is now coming to a close for us. We are off of Malaysia in two days but I am already sad to say goodbye to this beautiful country. Thailand was a great place to travel too. The people are so friendly and respectful and no matter where I traveled I always felt safe. The food is cheap and delicious, the shopping is absolutely fabulous (even though I literally did not buy one thing). There are actually a lot of things I will really miss about here, even things I never did. I wasn’t a big fan of the sugar on everything but I thought it was cute and it made me smile when I sat down to the table. Sugar is a must here and everything is sweetened. Milk is sweet like juice, rather than salt on their corn they put a few teaspoons of sugar, and on every restaurant table you will find both white and brown sugar that goes overtop of every meal including soup. I will miss the amazing Thai massages and the ability to walk to any street corner and get pampered and spoiled without spending more than five dollars. I will miss the most delicious salad and apple dressings that I have ever tasted. Although I complain about it now I may even miss the sound of falling asleep to howling dogs and firecrackers filling the night air. Oh and I will definitely miss all the 7-11’s that literally flood the streets and provide me with the convenience and deliciousness of fountain ovaltines and processed banana bread. Ahhh Ill miss it all! In Thailand we have spent just over a month all together and it became a love of mine, im excited to move on but I am going to miss this place a lot!

Elephant Madness!

2009-11-02T07:16:00.002-07:00

The other day Juan and I decided to do our first big activity and we went elephant riding in Pai. Wow, it was so much fun! I have ridden an elephant in India before but I wanted to try riding bareback and be able to spend some time playing with the elephants which is something I have never done. The great thing about Thailand is that they love to sell you things that you want; their goal is to have good business, for you to enjoy and come back again. We found a company that was willing to take us out by ourselves (rather than in a big group) on our own elephant and essentially do whatever we want for a really great price, they even brought along our own guy who took pictures and videotaped the whole thing.

We decided that rather than going through the jungle we would head over to the river and play in the water with the elephants. Such a good decision! We were able to see some of the jungle anyway when we were walking to the river. The walk was beautiful, the views of the town and the landscape were painfully pretty, and riding an elephant bareback was a lot of fun. It didn’t take us long though before our butts were thanking us for not doing the whole half-day trip through the jungle, the spine of the elephant and huge muscles were almost unbearable on our bottoms by the time we arrived (actually three days later our legs and bums and still hurting).
When we got to the river we walked around for a bit and enjoyed the scenery some more and then it was time to play! Our elephant was a blast, he would sit down in the water and slide us off his back, he would stand up tall and playfully shake us off until we went flying into the water, he also would fill his trunk with water and give us a nice shower or spay us really hard until we would almost fall off again. For almost an hour this continued. When we would fall into the water he would turn sideways to stop the strong current from dragging us away too far and then he would get really low so we could crawl up onto his back. He also let us crawl up his trunk and ride on his head, he would bend down really low, stick his trunk out for us to put our feet on and then as we climbed he would slowly lift us up until we made it to the top. The whole thing was so exhilarating!

At one point when he shook me into the water, I fell off and the current guided me underneath our elephant. I couldn’t get out because his legs were blocking me and the current was too strong. Naturally he started lying down expecting me to crawl back on top of him. As he began to lie on top of me his belly crushed my head for maybe the shortest second of my life the only sound I could hear was my own neck cracking under the water. It was the first and only time in my life where I have ever actually thought “wow, I am going to die right now”. Thankfully our guide was right there, he jumped off our elephant (right on to my neck again which I surely thought was broken by this point) and pulled me out from under the elephant. I was so scared. A part of me wanted to pull out my inner child and swim to the shore and just cry but the bigger part of me won and I timidly crawled back onto my elephant only this time holding on for dear life every time his massive body shook. So yeah, an elephant sat on my head and I survived, unfortunately I have a pretty messed up neck to prove it.

The day was incredible, it was so much fun. I am so thankful that I know how amazing these experiences are. I cannot count how many times during the day I thought “wow, how magical is it that I am just playing with an elephant right now” and magical it was! The ride, playing with the elephant, the tour guide who was on his toes, the scenery, even my scary experience, all of it just made my day so special. And so as always I am having a blast here in Thailand and loving all of my new adventures!

My day in jail with the inmates...

2009-10-27T08:33:00.001-06:00

In the ladies prison in Chiang Mai, there is a rehabilitation program that I had heard about so today it was my mission to check it out. In the prison there is a restaurant, a café, hair dressers, massage therapists, and a few other practicing trades. The services are all provided to the public by the inmates as part as a rehabilitation, reintegration program and I was really interested to see how it was run.

I was quite surprised to see that the prison property is in the heart of Chiang Mai and has a radius of a few blocks. Throughout these blocks I saw many woman inmates walking around from building to building. They were not in cuffs, they did not have prison guards following them, there was no wired fence, watchtower, or any sort of system keeping them within the prison boundaries. They would take laundry from one building to another or walk across the street to the prison canteen, all of it on their own or while chatting away with fellow inmates. The freedom floored me. I couldn’t decide if it was a sign of trust or a scary sign that the ladies knew the consequences all too well to even think about messing around. Either way, after watching dozens of ladies roaming the streets it was clear they have a fairly good unspoken understanding of their own little prison system and no one was stepping out of line.

These programs are fairly debatable as to whether or not they are productive to the inmates, the prison, and the community. Some say it is wonderful, it is a program that is teaching skills to the inmates so they have other means to income once they are released (one of the prison guards I spoke to today said the majority of the women are in jail because of drug dealing/smuggling), others say it is a way for the jail to have modern day slaves raking in a bunch of money for them. Some say it is a degrading show-and –tell type program, others believe regardless of whether or not it is a choice for the women they put themselves in this position and they should have to work, be productive, and earn money for the community. Although the ladies didn’t say much about their thoughts on the program they did seem to really be enjoying it. Ive gotten a few massages now and this environment was much more inviting than anywhere else I have been. The ladies were making jokes, they were all very very nice, and not only going out of their way to make me comfortable but also enjoying one another’s company by giving each other massages, doing each other’s hair, and laughing away the whole time.

I decided to get a massage since it is my latest addiction around here. I went into a fairly big white room that had five or six nice blue Thai massage beds and about a dozen leather foot massaging chairs. The room smelt of delicious tiger balm and tea, and actually felt much more comfortable and inviting than I imagined it too. At first there were two Thai men getting a massage but when they were finished it was me, five female inmates, and no prison guard in site (surprisingly I was in the room for an hour and not once did a guard even come in to check on us). Me and some of the ladies were having a pretty good conversation about my travels, where I was from, and all that fun surface jazz but when it came to questions about the program and how long they had been doing it none of them could understand English.

So my lady was a big mammer-jammer. She had the kindest smile but the toughest hands and she turned my back into putty within a half hour, it was amazing. She was pulling me, twisting me, and bending me in ways I thought my body could never go. She did this thing where she laid behind me, I sat on her feet then she bent me backwards, lifted her knees and pulled my feet and arms back (so I was doing this weird stretchy backwards arch thing over top of her body). When she brought me down I was sitting in between her legs and she gave me a big hug (like full out head resting on my back) and told me how pretty I was. Soon the other ladies chimed in giving me complements on my body, my flexibility, and my “perfect beauty”. Now you would think these are complements that a girl wants to hear but for some stranngee reason they just weren’t peeking my interest at the time. In all honestly the ladies were just being nice and had no ill intentions at all, but come on, tell me that’s not awkward? Out came the most uncomfortable laugh/giggle/noise thing that I had ever heard myself make and with that I stood up, thanked the ladies and was on my way.

Im not sure what to think about the program, I wish I could have spoken to the ladies about it more so I knew how they felt about it, but from what I did see it seemed to be really beneficial and something that the inmates enjoyed doing. It was a really neat experience and I am very glad I did it. The ladies were wonderful to me and my massage was incredible. I am leaving to Pai tomorrow but when I come back through town I will definitely be hitting the prison back up again!

C'ya Cambodia, its been a treat!

2009-10-23T04:41:00.002-06:00

Today I arrived back in Thailand and its funny cause it felt so familiar coming back. I like that while we were here we had a little routine, we knew our area fairly well, and we settled in quite nice. So it was great to be dropped off in the backpacker area and instead of staying around or wondering what to do next we just hoped on our bus and headed to our hosts house. It was nice, especially after nearly fourteen hours on a non-air-conditioned bus (have I mentioned yet that I hate transportation here). I am now showered up and sitting out on the balcony catching up on my emails and blogs, and enjoying the sound of the pounding rain and roaring thunder.

Cambodia was wonderful. It was so nice to go there for a while, relax in Phnom Penh and then go about seeing some of the country. Even though I complain about transportation, I really do enjoy all the driving we did around Cambodia; it definitely felt like we were seeing the true colors of the country. Driving down the bumpy roads filled with irrationally sized potholes, watching the world pass by while momentarily peering into the lives of the village people, and watching the landscapes change from moment to moment, it really is just amazing.

Life here is so different. A typical village is fairly small and usually runs along the side of the road rather than in a chunk (so they can use the most of all their land). You see some children dressed in uniforms heading about to school, but more times than not you see kids working their home stores, fishing or farming, lying in hammocks and riding their bikes. Most children in the villages are not privileged enough to go to school (especially the girls), their role is to be equal members of the family regardless of age which means they need to be working just as much as everyone else.

Today I saw I pig as we were driving by one of the villages. It was the fattest and biggest pig I have ever seen in Cambodia (normally the animals are fearfully thin) I couldnt help but smile at the farmer and give a little prayer of thanks for their success. It was only thirty years ago when the Khmer Rouge took over and brutally tortured and killed over a quarter of Cambodia’s population; the devastation is still very apparent in many ways. Almost any person you speak too was a part of the war and greatly affected by what went on. Through the poverty, lack of education, corruption, and current politics, the Khmer Rouge is still very much a part of that country and it is difficult to witness.

Cambodia was great, it was so interesting. I will miss the beautiful country that really did make my mind swirl with so many thoughts. The starving cows wandering town, the dozens and dozens of kids riding their bikes home from school holding on to one another’s bicycles or the back of the tuk tuks and stealing a free ride, the oh-so-delicious fruit shakes that I daily divulged in, the piles of garbage lining the streets everywhere reminding me how blessed I am, the endless moto drivers begging me to take their bikes, the children running up to you in excitement eager to practice English, the women walking past graciously offering their kindest smile, the hammocks to cuddle into on every light post, porch, or pole…so, so many things I enjoyed about Cambodia. I am very grateful I was able to visit that country, but im not gonna lie, I was also pretty grateful when I was able to leave.

Luck or hard work, potato or patato...

2009-10-23T02:31:00.001-06:00

Alright, can someone please tell me why so many people want to try and make you feel guilty for traveling and enjoying life? Ever since I left I have had a fairly consistent flow of “wow your sooo lucky”, “well isn’t your life tough”, and a bunch more blah, blah, blahs. Do they really think that it was luck? Do they know that I did not just wake up one day with a large amount of cash in my bank that I actually had to earn money and be smart about saving it for many years. I don’t get it, why are people haters like that? I just want to scream back, yeah as a matter of fact my life IS freakin great, it’s a riot actually, I am indeed very lucky, and no life isn’t too hard right now actually its pretty much a breeze.

But I guess that would be a lie. I mean yeah my life is great by sure it comes with its struggles and sacrifices, it isn’t all roses. Tiffany always tells me for every no there is a yes, and to every yes there is a no. So yes I decided to travel but that also means I said no to settling into my own life and getting some sort of routine back (which believe it or not I do really desire). I also said no to saving money (like I have done very well at since I started earning a paycheck) and I said yes to spending my savings and watching my account drain out bit by bit. I said yes to meeting new people and making new friends but no to spending time with my best friends and family and even missing out on some pretty big events at home. So as with everyone in their life, my world does indeed include some sacrificing in many different areas to be where I am now, but it is what I have chosen for myself and I quite enjoy it.

The year before this came with a lot of struggles and pain…A LOT. So many people wrote me in support, uplifted me in prayer, and sent their wishes that things get better. I have realized throughout a few tough situations, life does NOT miraculously get better…ever. If you want life to get better, you need to MAKE life get better. You need to work on changing your attitude, work through your feelings, do things that uplift you, focus on yourself for a while…whatever it is that helps, you need to do it cause when life gets down, when bad things happen, they will not just fix themselves. Ive tried really hard to do that, to take what is negative in my world, to compile my pains and heal through them. Part of that process for me has been to be out on my own for a while, to have time to spend with my head and my heart without the distractions of everyday life or the influence of other people. I have decided to travel because it makes my heart sing, I have decided to see new things because it is important for me to not be stuck in a bubble, to get out and explore.

I guess my point is, luck is very rare. Its like saying “good luck” to someone before they write an exam. Its not luck, they either studied hard and learnt the content or they didn’t which means they will either pass or fail, no luck involved. My life is not luck. I have worked hard to be where I am. My wish is for all the people in my life to do the same, to take luck out of the equation and start working towards designing your life in order to make you happy. Whatever your passion, whatever your healing path, do it, take “luck” into your own hands a design a beautiful life for yourself…its worth it.

Cambodia Contemplations…

2009-10-16T03:59:00.000-06:00

Written October 13th ‘09

Today was a big day, it was heavy. Lots of things have been going on and lots has been on my mind but today it compounded quite a bit. Today, I decided that I don’t think I will stay here, I tried to figure out what I will do next, I visited a horrific genocide museum, almost ripped my hair out by saying no to so many tuk tuks, and witnessed way too much lose at the hands of drugs. It was just one of those long days.

So first things first, I think (being the operative word as always) that I am going to keep going and not stay in Cambodia. I am excited to see Cambodia as a traveler but im not digging the living life here gig. I read a bit about Cambodia before coming here and one of the constants was that women should not walk alone at night. Me, well being me, figured all those girls were just being babies and I would be just fine. I was wrong. In the backpacker areas you can totally do it, but im not living in those areas and not too interested in visiting all that often. I have walked around a bit at night and I don’t feel safe, nothing has happened but Im beginning to think that is more luck than norm. Even if it is one hundred percent safe, I don’t feel that way, and it takes a lot to put me out of my comfort zone enough to make me admit it.

I can hack a lots of things and a lot of places, its not that I cant do that here but I am just not interested. I don’t want to “hack” anything right now, im looking for a nice and easy calm life at the moment and I don’t know if Cambodia will offer that to me. I want to have some fun, have a social life, go out for coffee in the evening and have some quiet time just for me (it is insanely loud here, either that or I am getting really old). I came to the other side of the world to relax and I keep forgetting that fact lately. But really, who is kidding who? One moment I want to stay in Asia and work, the next moment I want to go home unpack my bags and settle in, and the next im thinking about moving to BC or heading somewhere else. Ahh I wish my mind wasn’t constantly in overdrive.

Today two guys in their early twenties left my building the same time as me. Both of them fairly good looking, both looking pretty straight edge. But as my eyes ripped them apart (like I find myself doing with most foreign men around here) I stumbled down to their arms and feet which were bruised and bloodied with track marks. It broke my heart. Probably two guys coming to Cambodia for a little vacation, traveling, and partying and they took it too far once and happened to get stuck. My mother often likes to remind me of how worried she gets about me traveling, and instantly I thought about their mothers, their families, how they are probably a little excited and a little worried about their sons going off to travel. How they have no idea that while they imagine him posing with Buddas and temples, he is really locked up in his house shooting heroin and keeping company by a revolving door of prostitutes.

India was a place with so much poverty, too much pain, and too much corruption, I have never experienced anything to that extent. It was addicting though because in the midst of the mess there was such a joy. The same children whose parents dug their own childs eyes out, or cut off their legs just so they could bring home more money were also the children that had the biggest smiles and the deepest laughter. That attitude encouraged me that the mess my eyes see, isn’t such a mess when my heart feels something so much more beautiful. Here it isn’t the same, and when there isn’t laughter everything else seems to magnify. The smell of bodily waste on the street suddenly becomes stronger, the mass amounts of garbage lining the streets is more frustrating the step over, the constant noise and movement of the city is more distracting, and the endless empty stomachs begging for food seem like an impossible feat. Maybe it is me, maybe it is my attitude, possibly it is my heart telling me I belong somewhere else, or perhaps it is my excuse, but either way when I flip the coin lately I am hoping Cambodia isn’t my tails.

Oh and for the record, tonight as I write this I literally just watched the man living on the floor above me (floor three) pass down a bucket on a rope to the ground for his dealer to put drugs in because he was too high to walk down the stairs. Keep in mind I am in a decent area with one of the few “secure” buildings around. So yeah I can “do” Cambodia but quite frankly I am more interested in traveling it and then moving on. When I actually figure out my plans, ill fill you in, until then I will continue to file through my endless options and hopefully come up with something soon.

Adjusting In...

2009-10-07T21:29:00.001-06:00

In just a couple days so far Cambodia is a world of difference from Thailand. I expected them to be different in many ways but I also expected way more similarities than there are.

It is a dirty place. Now don’t get me wrong, dirty can be great, sometimes there is nothing better actually, but sometimes when you go for a walk down one road and your back is covered in mud then it gets a little old. Today we went to a market and I was racing to get out of it, it was a vegetarian’s worst nightmare. Blocks long of stands under a huge tarp with endless amounts of meat, all of it cut, all of it old, covered in bugs and flies, and dripping all sorts of liquids all over my feet. Live skinned frogs, fish cut wide open, snakes, full pigs heads, cows tongues, nasty nasty meat sitting there for days sometimes weeks on end. There were piles of garbage in every aisle, sometimes up to your knee, and the smell was unbelievable. It was hard to imagine that this is where most of the restaurants are buying their food for all the delicious meals we are eating every day.

For sex lovers, drug addicts, pedophiles, party animals, or gamblers, Cambodia is the place for you. It is Vegas minus the money and glamour; anything you want you can have…at a very small cost. The moment I walk out of my hostel in the evenings I have men surrounding me, first they ask if I want to buy pot and within seconds they are running down the list of the endless highs I can purchase, cocaine, opiates, heroin, ecstasy, anything I want. How about taking home a women, nope not interested there, well can a child entice you then? This is literal people, ANYTHING you want you can have, it will cost you nothing but somebody else their life. The hostel I am in has a sign posted about not doing drugs here because it will ruin your life; I cannot imagine how many travelers came here for a party and end up leaving their spirits behind.

And men, don’t get me started on men! I have hardly looked at one white man in the last month and not felt a boiling hate for who they are and what they are doing in this continent. The trail of damage and pain that the western men have left behind is unfathomable. Married men, fathers, grandfathers, business men, political figures, men from every walk of life coming to these countries to find themselves a cheap virgin. They are freakin proud of it too, they have no shame attached as they parade around their purchase for the night. They even have the audacity to act like the heros , like they are at least giving the girls good money so they have a chance at a future or giving them their first and only amazing sexual experience, like the girls have been waiting all their lives to have the pleasure of crawling into bed with a foreigner. It leaves me speechless and angry, it makes me cry, it makes me want to save the world.

Now don’t get me wrong, there are a million wonderful things about the country as well. I have fell in love with certain things already and I have also accepted when you go to a new country that is so different from your own, it takes a period of adjustment and often times your attitude isn’t the best in the first day or two. One thing I have loved is the children. I have fallen in love with Cambodian children; they are so absolutely beautiful and very cute. Many of them are learning English (whether through work or school) and all of them love to practice it with you. You would be hard pressed to walk by a child and not get a huge smile with a big hello to follow. I love the attitude here as well. Everyone is so friendly and they always want to just hang out and chat or help you in some way. Last night I was outside on my computer and a lady came up and asked to go through my pictures. She sat there for a half and hour giggling away as she enjoyed the snapshots of my latest adventures. It was very neat to share that with her and something totally new for me.

I cannot wait to discover all the other beautiful gifts that Cambodia has to offer. I am certain my time here will be quite the adventure and I am sure I will learn not only a lot about the country but also about myself and my limits. Now I just need to get my little butt adjusted!

In Cambodia!

2009-10-07T21:23:00.000-06:00

Written: October 5th '09

Yesterday I arrived in Cambodia and it has already been such an adventure. Ive always found crossing boarders so fascinating; it is amazing to me that every time you cross that invisible line the differences are very apparent. The moment we crossed into Cambodia everything changed; landscape, cost, people, culture, it was all suddenly so different and so captivating.

Crossing the border itself was extremely frustrating. We were warned in advance that the customs officers and police are very corrupt but that was an understatement. Leaving Trat we took a mini bus for a couple hours down a small, rough, dirt road to Koh Kong, the moment our bus stopped we were surrounded by people wanting to sell us this or take us there. The attention, begging, and aggressiveness was quite overwhelming, especially once we stepped into Cambodia. Indeed the customs officers were difficult to deal with. You walk up to this old stucco building and knock on a glass sliding window, I had to double take a few times to make sure we were indeed at customs about to talk to the professionals who regulate who comes and goes out of the country. Our customs officer was a miserable old lady who said nothing to us, not one question regarding why we were coming, how long we would stay, or what kind of work we would be doing, instead she held out her hand and said fifty dollars each. Right away we said no way cause we knew the price was supposed to be twenty five so she asked us to wait while she closed the window to “think” about our counter offer. This went back and forth for almost an hour where we finally convinced her that thirty each would be fair (ten bucks for her pocket). Cambodia is still poorer than both Mongolia and El Salvador and a police officer only makes thirty five US dollars a month so to them five dollars is huge and when they are blatantly talking about how much they get to take home for themselves and whether or not that is worth them letting you in the country then it gets quite frustrating. Needless to say we managed to find our way into Cambodia, a few dollars short, a little down on patients, but very high on excitement.

Cambodia was pouring rain when we arrived and since Koh Kong was twenty kilometers away, we hoped on a couple motorcycles and had a crazy ride into the city. Between the rain, the roads, the mud, the driver, and my big ass bag I had no clue if we would actually make it in to town. I was pleasantly surprised when we did and our driver dropped us off at a really nice, cheap (key word) guest house that had a pool! Koh Kong is supposed to have one of the nicest waterfalls around and I was so excited to have a pool I stayed in all night and all day so I could swim the whole time; you couldn’t drag me out of there, it was just what I needed.

Today we took a bus to Phnom Penh. I really do hate transportation around here. The roads were so bad (the potholes are insane) that we were maxing out at 30 km/h for most the trip. Again, a drive that would have taken a couple hours at home was another dreadfully long day in a clammy bus with blaring loud Cambodian Karaoke music. We finally arrived around dinner and have spent the night trying to get comfortable and learning a bit about the city. Adjusting here could prove to be a bit more difficult than I was hoping but fingers crossed it’s not too bad. I guess the next few days will be spent looking for places to live and trying to find a job…wish me luck.

Bright, shinny, and new...

2009-10-01T10:18:00.003-06:00

Ive never really been one of those people who always thinks “time is flying by” but man oh man is it ever lately. I cannot believe I have already been in Thailand for a month and I surely cant believe that I have been traveling for five months now. Life is escaping me…just the way I like it!

Thailand has been treating me wonderful as always (I think ive been here long enough to say that). This week Juan and I did a bit of venturing to the nearby towns and had a lot of fun. I can never decide what I like more, sitting still and not doing a thing, or hitting the road and filling my eyes with new sights. Our first stop was a small town called Ayuthaya which was really nice. We rented bikes and drove around town stopping here or there to visit some of the local sights but mostly just peddling around town enjoying ourselves. We were able to see some gorgeous temples and ruins and even managed to sneak our broke-ass little selves into one, while successfully escaping before the Budda Gods (or guards) captured us. Especially after being in Bangkok for so long it is really nice to get to the smaller towns and smell fresh air, or not be forced to take confusing transportation for hours on end.

After Ayuthaya we headed to Lop Buri which was also a nice little town. Lop Buri was really cute but very small, we were able to walk to the town in a day and see almost the whole place. Lop Buri is known for being the town of monkeys; the whole place is littered with hundreds of them. Ive seen lots of monkeys before, especially in India but this was a whole new level. Monkeys were crawling all over the vehicles, lined on every building, covering the streets and flooding the temples. I even had the traumatic experience of being attacked by monkeys! I was out enjoying a lovely morning breakfast which happened to be cotton candy (HEY im not judging you, so dont judge me) and I gracefully went to share my snack with the cute little guys when the darn buggers jumped all over me and snatched the bag right from my hands. I think it was four or five that jumped up on me; they were swinging from my purse, pulling on my clothes, jumping on my head…it was crazy! Being attacked by monkeys is insane…do you know what goes through your head when a half a dozen miniature creatures are swinging around on your body?? I panicked a little (or a lot), screamed a touch, and had nightmare s that night where I heard my Mom yelling at me about all the nasty diseases monkeys carry. Regardless it was hilarious and like nothing ive experienced, im not sure if it made me fall in love with monkeys more, or fear for my life when I see them next.

I had a few other new experiences during that trip that made me smile when I thought about the beautifully embarrassing life I was raised with. I showered for the first time bucket style. In Thailand many of the homes don’t have running water so they fill giant tubs of water and you stand in the middle of the bathroom filling up little pails and dumping them on yourself. Now this was new to me and I seriously wish I had it on camera. I was in there all by myself laughing up a storm, I was of course thinking of my Mom hysterically laughing (as I always do in situations like that) and wondering what the heck I looked like as I am pretty sure I looked something very similar to a dog drowning in water, it was funny business. Before my lovely shower I used the toilet; I was told by my CS host it worked so I was a little confused when I couldn’t find the flush thing-a-ma-jig. Now its always slightly embarrassing when you go to a new country and don’t know how to use things that are so simple to them. Like in Spain, I froze my butt off in the shower forever before I was introduced to some magic little box that you light with a match then wait for a couple hours and volla there is heat. So anyway, after hanging my head in shame I finally asked how to flush and it turns out you just need to pour water in the tank and it flushes by themselves. THIS IS BRILLIANT! Who knew? Well apparently that’s how they used to flush toilets (and sometimes still do) and lots of people know but I didn’t and it was pretty much the highlight of my trip. I think just for kicks Ill do that in my next house. Anyway, I think that’s all for discoveries this week. Once again, im not sure if this new knowledge makes me feel really smart or really stupid but either way it was new, and I like new especially when it makes me laugh my little butt off.

The day after tomorrow Juan and I leave for Cambodia. I will live there for a while, find work, and an apartment, and I am starting to get really excited. I hope I can find work right away; I want to work for so many reasons. I think it will be amazing and a really good experience to do my career in such a foreign place with so many different struggles then at home, I also want to work in a place that I am traveling in to see if it is the same feeling I get when I am in Canada, and I want to make some money so I don’t have to be so tight during my travels. Fingers crossed I will find work right away. Im not sure what working in Cambodia and settling down a bit there will look like for me. Right now I am planning on being home for Christmas but honestly that might be a bit early cause there is still so much here that I want to see and do and I am hoping to find work that I will fall in love with. Anyway, I have no idea what the future holds but I am hoping it stays bright, shinny, and new!

still thoughts...

2009-09-26T03:23:00.001-06:00

Do you ever wish you could know exactly how another person experiences something? I do. Maybe cause life has been so foreign here, but I’ve had that on my mind a lot lately.

The other day Juan and I were shopping and found a wonderful grocery store that actually sold real cheese. We bucked up the cash and splurged on a taste from back home. I cannot explain the excitement I got from our purchase, I felt like I was walking home with a bag full of gold. I also found Ritz crackers in this store so as soon as we got back I promptly made a plate of crackers with melted cheese. After my masterpiece was pulled from the microwave, an Austrian staying with us asked if he could try one. The moment he put it in his mouth, his face twisted up and it took everything he could to not spit it out. He was appalled that I would eat this as a snack yet earlier through the trip he was munching down on Thai fried cockroaches. At that moment I wanted to have his taste buds, I wanted to know how that could be so foreign and gross him. I didn’t get it and quite frankly I don’t believe him, can anyone seriously hate crackers and cheese that much?

In Thailand we are staying in a neighborhood called Nonthaburi and in the few weeks we have been here I have yet to see one foreigner. When you walk down the streets they are packed with people. Vendors every few feet lining the edges, and tables set up in between where everyone just SITS, relaxes, visits and works all day. When I go for my morning walk or head out to the city and walk past these streets most people stop what they are doing and just smile and stare. I wish I could be in their head, to know the curiosity they are feeling or the questions they have. It would be nice to speak the language and talk to them about those questions but more than that, I want to be in their minds, to know their thought process.

Its this obsession I have lately. I want pictures of what my eyes see at some exact moment, yet I can never quite capture that same image on film. I want to know what the people I am traveling with think about when we go for a walk or sit in an enchanting temple. I want to know what goes through the locals minds when I walk by or say thank you in Thai. I wonder where this came from? Why this fascination of understanding everything and relating to all just suddenly appeared. I just want to KNOW. I watch a TV show and I wish I knew what was running through the actors mind as they rhapsodically rehearse their lines. I walk past the dogs filled with rabies and diseases and wonder if they have feelings, I wonder if they know they are dirty and missing out on love because of it. I wonder what runs through a child’s mind when they intently stare at me like I am the latest and discovery their eyes came across.

There isn’t much point to my ramblings, just thought I would share where my mind is at. We have been still for quite a while now, not traveling much and not doing too much sightseeing. I am loving this life. I have not had the opportunity to sit still for a long time now, even while traveling around India and Europe, life goes fast when you’re on the road. But here, it is slowing down…I am allowing it to slow down. Im not rushing about, trying to accomplish things, or see this or that. Im doing a lot of thinking, a lot of relaxing, spending a lot of time with myself. I have no complaints, not one, and THIS is what I was looking for.

Jennys missing home...

2009-09-17T10:00:00.001-06:00

Wow, ive almost been gone for a full month again. Leaving home for me is fairly hard, although I love the adventure of being on my own and seeing the world, I am very close to my family and not used to being away from them for such a long period of time. When I have internet connection it’s a lot better cause I can phone them, chat them, or email them, either way I can get an update on what is going on in our world back home. But lately Ive had very little access to the internet and it has made me a touch homesick. I want to phone Chris and hear how the kids are, or talk to Tiffany about what is going on in her life, I want to send emails to reassure my parents that life is beautiful here, and I want to see my freakin dog. And more than anything I want some food from home, preferably my Moms home cooking. The excitement of Thai food lasted all of one week before I realized carbs and fried foods for every meal really isn’t all that appealing…at all. India held a lot more culture shock than Thailand but for some reason Im having a bit of a tough time adjusting, in a couple weeks ill be fine but today, right now, I am homesick.

In one of the books I was reading this trip it was talking a lot about seasons and I realized by the time I get home I will have been traveling for eight months and missed two full seasons, summer and fall (my two favorite). Sometimes I find myself on the beach daydreaming about what life will be like when I get home, how I will decorate my apartment and what kind of work I will get into this time. Anyway, home (wherever I make it) is on my mind, better yet, family is.

With that being said, traveling is on my heart and I am so excited for all of the places I will be going to visit. We finally have a bit more of a solid plan as it looks like traveling through north Thailand then heading into Laos, Vietnam, and Cambodia will be the next part of this trip. If I fall in love with one of those countries I may even stay and try to find work or a place to volunteer. I have nothing tying me down to one place or another here, no deadline for when I need to leave a country, and no goal of where I want to end up; thankfully that leaves me able to choose as I go along and I am really enjoying that freedom.

The other day we were traveling 160km and it took us eight hours, by the end of the bus ride I was going crazy. Its those kind of things that throw me off and make me think of home, its just so easy to say “at home I would have been here seven hours ago with food in my belly, air-conditioning on, and a freaking bathroom break along the way”. Anyway, as I was rambling on in my mind I decided to finish the book that my aunt gave me (Let your life speak by Parker J. Palmer) and this was a quote I stumbled upon which reminded me I am indeed exactly where I need to be at this point in my life.

“From autumns profligate seedings to the great spring giveaway, nature teaches a steady lesson: if we want to save our lives, we cannot cling to them but must spend them with abandon. When we are obsessed with bottom lines and productivity, with efficiency of time and motion, with the rational relation of means and ends, with projecting reasonable goals and making a beeline toward them, it seems unlikely that we will ever know the fullness of spring in our lives. “

The music in my mind...

2009-09-10T08:38:00.002-06:00

I can still see the smoke from my train outta town
Ive dreamed myself a million times around the world
Don’t put yourself back in the fire again
I wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
The hand that calls me forward is the hand that leaves me behind

It’s a beautiful lie, if you think it will always stay the same
Pulling at the loose strings now
Follow the leader or make up all the rules
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
Were livin in a wasteland

I have all this gold in my soul
What am I looking for?
Ive always been known to cross lines
I know I can be colorful, I know I can be grey
Pull the roots…

First week in Bangkok

2009-09-10T03:46:00.003-06:00

Wow, what a difference! These past few days we have been with a local CSer and it has made a world of difference compared to the backpacking area we were in (although that was lots of fun too).

A couple nights ago Toom (our CS host, pronounced tomb) took us out for supper around his area of town. It was wonderful for so many reasons. First, we spent the whole evening out and not once did we see one tourist, actually we haven’t for days now! Second was the food….oh my goodness the food. There are stands every few feet of something new to try and quite frankly I feel like I am trying it all. Im going to have to check myself soon or im gonna end up coming home double my size. But I just cant help it, the food here is terribly delicious and I cant seem to get enough.

Through the night though I was definitely granted my wish of taking it slow, the Thai people seem to be very good at that. Walking for example, I had to slow my pace by WAY more than half of how I normally walk. Walking slow and taking your time believe it or not is actually a lot of work, it definitely took a while before I stopped saying in my head “can we just freakin hurry up”, but really what is the rush anyway? We also picked up a fruit that has a really strong smell to it….apparently, although I really couldn’t smell it at all. Because of that we were not allowed on the air-conditioned bus and out of respect we wrapped our already packaged fruit in three different bags so no one else would be bothered by the smell. Isnt that amazing? Quite frankly I was blown away. Just out of RESPECT we would not get on a bus that had air running through it in case the smell bothered someone, it made me realize I officially have no idea what respect is at home cause I thought that was madness (although I liked the idea). Also, I started talking on the bus and Toom politely asked me to stop. At first I was quite taken back, like “whats his issue” kinda deal, but then he explained that the Thai people like to relax on the bus. Usually they are coming or going from work or something else that is busy and they just appreciate some calmness, ha all I could think about was how much my Dad would like these customs. Needless to say in just a few short hours I was amazed at the general respect and kindness that is shown around here, I loved it.

So far the trip has been great. Its been really relaxing with absolutely no sightseeing, temples, beaches, or adventure but quite frankly that is just the way I like it. I am sure over the next four months I will get my fair share of all that jazz so im not too worried about rushing through it now. Tomorrow Juan and I head to Ban Phe and then heading to Ko Chang for a while on the beach. Really not too sure what the plan will be after that, basically we have just been taking it day to day so im excited to see where we end up.

Anyway, I should go, there is a bakery that has the best cream filled doughnuts in the world and I want to get one before they close. Haha yes indeed, my trip is currently strictly based around food.

Goodmorning Thailand….

2009-09-07T03:00:00.000-06:00

Today I had my first early Thai morning. With all the hustle of flying and time change Ive been sleeping in way too late, but alas this morning I was out of bed at 7:30am before the city became alive (which is pretty early around here). I walked around my area and enjoyed it all from a calm point of view. The streets weren’t full of vendors, hundreds of people, or constant action; nope they were dead…slow.

Believe it or not, traveling can actually be a lot of work. You are always on the move, trying to see this or that, lugging around an extra twenty pounds on your back, and rarely sleeping so you can soak up all the sights. Even on the road I need to remind myself to slow down. This morning after my walk I went to get myself a coffee (looks like I may have to be hitting the caffeine again). As I stood there waiting the man getting my coffee ready looked me in the eye and sternly said “sit down”. Now it could be my active imagination or a lack of sleep but I am almost positive in his two words he actually said to me “why are you standing in front of me and bothering me? Why are you being all impatient and making me hurry? I am going to take my time making you a delicious coffee while you take your time relaxing in my chair and absorbing this beautiful morning. Hunny, you are in one of the most beautiful places on earth, take a breath, take a seat, enjoy the view and RELAX”. And that was all I needed to hear. I sat there on my own soaking up my experiences (even some from the last few weeks that I haven’t taken the time to enjoy enough). As tears came to my eyes I wanted to just sit there and break down, to drop my shoulders and cry. I AM SO BLESSED!!! What happened? How did I get here?

Sometimes it is hard to look at life and just feel blessings. There are times I get caught in my past, or worried about my future and I think “man I got freakin ripped off” and you know what, I did in lots of ways, but so has everyone. Every person I know has their own deep scars embedded into their skin and into their heart. Pain, fear, injustice…it is all part of life and I know it is important to not hold on too but sometimes that takes training, it takes a lot of work. Now don’t get me wrong, Im not a victim and I never have been, but there seems to be this little empty hole somewhere in my heart that is DYING to be filled and it seems like the impossible task. This trip I am going to quit working on filling that hole and focus on filling up the rest of my heart with all my wonderful blessings and maybe, just maybe I can suffocate that hole right out! And today, right now I am blessed beyond measure. No worry in sight, no heavy burdens, no broken spirits…just beauty. Now the trick is standing still, and in this very moment stillness is all I know.

Be blessed…

Finally in Thailand!

2009-09-05T13:01:00.003-06:00

I have now spent a handful of hours in Thailand and I am already so in love with the place. How could I not be, an ice cream cone is ten cents?? Arriving here was a bit of a mess as neither Juan nor I had tickets leaving the country, which apparently is a must. After stress levels hitting the roof and hours of trying to find a way to buy a ticket without spending two hundred euros we finally found a solution and were allowed on the plane.

We arrived late afternoon and went straight to Bangkok to find a hostel and drop our bags. With all the action we have not seen much of the city or the country side but I already know from our short stint that I will love it. Right now we have a hostel in an area called Khaosan and it is so bloody great. The action does not stop around here. It is a perfect mix of locals and tourist (which is nice when you are settling in to such a foreign new place) with a great spark to the area. There is delicious cheap food every step you take, endless strips of market finds, clothes that stimulate your senses more than the freakin country itself, color in everything, and an ease to the air. Ahhh I love it.

So far I am not too sure of what the plan will be. It looks like Juan and I will travel around the country for a while to discover and see where each of us will land. He will choose his favorite place to stay for school, while I will find my favorite place and either start working or volunteering. First we will spend a few days in Bangkok exploring the city and trying to gather some information on this beautiful country we have landed in, after that who knows?

You know, before I got here I really started doubting myself….I hate it when I do that. My family is nervous about my travels and I have got a lot of “are you sure”, “I don’t have a good feeling about this”, “this isn’t safe” and it really started getting to my head. On my way through Italy I admit there was a moment where I thought, what the heck am I freakin doing, ill never be able to hack it on my own in a place like Thailand. But something happened when I got here, I got a huge waft of comfort the moment I stepped into the city. There are so many young girls traveling on their own and having the time of their lives, I wandered the city till late at night in a packed street and not once did I feel uncomfortable. I think instinct is a great tool and not once did my instinct tell me I shouldn’t be here; it felt good.

So….I am excited for this trip, very excited. I love when my eyes see new things but I love it when my spirit is blessed with experiences I could never get at home or anywhere else. I see myself in many different faucets in these next few months, and I am really anticipating where I will end up. But hey, who is thinking months down the road, I can hardly wait to crawl into bed and wake up to discover this city tomorrow.

Hope all is well at home!!

My crazy world...

2009-09-02T16:46:00.001-06:00

Ahh where to start? This trip has been so much fun and it has barely even begun. When I decided to come back to Europe I didn’t really know what my plan was. What I did know was that my final destination was Thailand and coming through Europe would make that dramatically cheaper. As always I went back and forth thinking I would stay for a couple days or go to as many countries as my little heart desired for at least a month or two. Europe has been great and I really do adore my time here but being practical I realized soon that it was too expensive for me to be traveling around and then still expecting to live in Thailand for a few months and travel there as well. I found a disgusting seat sale and decided to book for this week which means I leave for Thailand on Friday. Thankfully Juan’s final destination is Thailand as well (he is heading there for school) so we decided to meet up along the way, go to Thailand together, and travel around some too. We are two days away and I am getting unbearably excited. Today I was walking around and just had a huge grin on my face thinking about how much fun I am in for.

So anyway, back to how I landed back in Spain. San Fermin was a crazy festival that just blew me away and when I heard about La Tomatina going on the same time I was in Europe I figured I had to find a way there since it is something I have always wanted to be a part of. It was crazy, im talking mad crazy. 140 tons of tomatoes are brought into the narrow streets of Bunol and thousands upon thousands of people begin the biggest, meanest food fight in all the world. People went mad throwing handfuls of tomatoes in every direction their arms could manage (there were so many people you could barely move let alone throw). I got pelted in the face crazy hard a few times and walked out of the hour food fight with bruises all over. Every inch of your body, of the street, and the houses surrounding were covered in red. It was like I blinked and when I opened my eyes the only color of lens I could see through was red. It was a disaster but such a fun one and definitely worth the trip. Once again, I wish I could explain it better but you just cant sum up an experience like that…it was mad!

In Spain I went to Alicante, Valencia, Bunol, and Barcelona; every city was a different adventure but loads of fun. I got to see some of the friends I met from last time and met some really great ones this time as well. Juan and I met up from there and hitched to Marceilles where we have been couchsurfing for the past four days. This is a beautiful city, actually everywhere I have been in France is wonderful and each time I say that I need to stay longer. One day I hope to be able to spend lots of time in these treasure cities I keep finding (and maybe even have enough money to treat myself to at least one meal out). But alas I am on the road again, this time heading to Italy for only a night and then heading to THAILAND! How crazy is that? I cant wait. I keep wondering where I will end up, what other countries I will visit while I am there, what adventures will I find along my journey. The anticipation right now is eating at me which in itself is very exciting. There are lots of things I get excited over when I think of these next few months and I love that feeling of not being able to wait. I guess there is a difference between being excited and impatiently crazy giddy, the ladder is where I am at.

Today I was walking in the park and I felt my life was a big video game, like I was some character that was being guided around by someone else. Like pac man it was like eating this task, this country, this escapade with each one getting faster and faster to get more points. Do you get what Im saying? Like, +40 points for falling in love, -25 for breaking hearts, +100 for visiting another continent, -50 for not standing still. You catch my drift, but it all goes back and forth. Either way, I realized it was my life I was thinking about, not a game. I need to stop living like it is just a game and realizing the depth of my LIFE. Whether that is working and settling down or traveling to the next place, either option needs to just be lived out in the moment, not just the next thing. I try really hard to do that but it is so hard to live in the moment sometimes, I get caught up and pulled in or not pulled in at all and then my mind wanders in every direction. Hum, not sure if that makes sense or not, actually most of my thoughts arnt making sense right now but I am really enjoying it, it is like rediscovering different thought patterns or ways of thinking, rediscovering me again and again.

On the plus side, I am eating about six cookies a day…big cookies, and that my friends is worth noting!!!

Sober in Spain

2009-08-23T20:44:00.002-06:00

After seven and a half years of not drinking there are no longer any time-consuming thoughts about me being a non drinker. There are rarely any situations where I think, you know today would be a great day to take a drink. Actually its only about once a year where there seems to be a situation where I decide this is the year I am going to start drinking again and that moment usually lasts all of a couple hours. In Spain however I have thought about me being a non-drinker non-stop.
Almost every young person here drinks…excesively. The amount of alcohol consumed by my generation in this country is absolutely insane. In fact, it is Sunday night and I just got back from a disco that had more people crammed into it than most of Calgary’s bars combined on a Friday night. I think my first visit to Spain was such a rush that the life just seemed like a big fun adventure, coming back however made me look at it much differently. There was actually a point in the night were I looked around the bar and just wanted to cry for all the wastefullness.
It is sad actually. You can only drink for so long before this stand still feeling kicks in, before your life just feels empty and your goals become a big wasted blur. Not only do I see that here, I hear it in their words. I asked a guy today what his friend was like and he responded by saying “she is one of those drunks who gets really mad or really happy; you never know what you will get”. The conversation or the environment had nothing to do with drinking but that is the only way he knew how to describe his friend because that is the only context he knew her in. The first time I came here I thought it was so great how everyone knows everyone, I thought it was such a wonderful community atmosphere. I realized soon it is not community at all, at least not my version of it. They are all getting drunk together six out of seven nights a week and possibly spending the afternoon together sleeping off their hangover on a beach. It is completely unappealing.
Now to be clear, there are many things I adore about Spain and this really is my only issue. Other than the drinking it is a wonderful place that I have adored, it just so happens that the “other” is quite a definitive factor. Needless to say, I have felt so blessed this trip to be a non drinker. To be able to wake up early every morning and discover the city, to not make terribly bad decisions based on a drunk moment, to know my goals and keep them, to know who is important in my life and be responsible to them, to know the value of my life and make decisions that reflect that awareness, to make my experiences real memories. Literally there are dozens of reasons I have come up with as to why I am so thankful for my sobriety. Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me the strength in my sobriety to get me through so many years of avoided pain, mistakes, and emptiness, and thank you for continuing to open my eyes so I can see why it is I choose to have a substance free life.
Oh and my parents say thank you too…especially on a trip like this!

Out, up, off, and away...

2009-08-18T18:01:00.005-06:00

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labour. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. ~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

So I have decided to pack my bag and head out once more. I leave tomorrow and cannot wait to see what is in store for me.

Since coming home I have had the travelers itch...big time. I have thought about traveling, dreamt about traveling, and found peace in the idea of traveling. Being out on the road was such a wonder for me. It brought so many dimensions into my life and just breathed a new light to my spirit. The problem with traveling that has been standing in my way is this little word that people keep reminding me of...responsibility. Now that is a word I am fairly familiar with, as a matter of fact I have known it all too well and at much too young of an age. So I struggled with whether or not traveling around the world once again would really be a responsible decision. After all, traveling for me brings on many sacrifices; I will be spending ALL my money, I will not have a job to come home too, I will not come back to my own home, I will put myself a few steps back in terms of worldly possessions, and I will physically be in the same place in a few months as I am today. It is difficult in such a driven world to justify a decision such as this. So after a couple weeks at home I decided enough was enough, I would stuff down this need to continue discovering these lands and get back to "the real world". This however, proved to be a very unsettling feeling for me, no matter how hard I tried I just did not like the idea, I was not quite ready to let that piece rest. Then it got me thinking....what is responsibility anyway?

In my life I have watched many people achieve amazing heights. Through wealth, respectable careers, building a family, taking the appropriate steps in life, attaining possessions, building a community, I mean in so many ways I have been surrounded by very high-achieving responsible people. But still it wasn't making sense to me, if that is the case and I desire most of those things than why is it I am not wanting to directly work towards those goals? Then I realized my version of responsibly looks much different to me than it does to many other people. Since Ive been back I have spoken a lot about not feeling like I can catch up, not feeling like a can be a part of "the rat race" and I really realized that is because like many (way too many) in the midst of being responsible in my life, I forgot to be responsible to myself. Like any relationship, the relationship I have with myself requires a lot of effort. I need to love myself, and constantly work at taking care of me, I need to feed my spirt, and uplift the pains on my heart. I need to pay attention to my desires, I need take time to hear what i am really saying, I need to read between the lines, and shower myself in kindness. I need to feed myself with friendship and community yet allow time for me to sit in silence on my own. I need to keep things new and fresh and not allow myself to get stale in life. I wonder how many people who are responsible in their lives can honestly say they are responsible to themselves? How many of them have contradicted the rule of a responsible life by putting wants ahead of needs? I am at a place in my life where I realize that is desperately pertinent. I have left that piece of my world out for far too long and I owe it to myself to focus on that area.

So I don't have a big fancy plan, nor can I answer many questions about where I am actually going. I don't even know how long I will be going for, basically as long as my money lasts, that could be one month or four. As always, I have a million ideas and it will probably be a last minute thing when I decide whether to go north or south, east or west. I fly into Spain and head to a town called Valencia where I am going to have a bloody riot at the La Tomatina Festival (the biggest food fight in the world). I will probably stay around that area of Spain for a week or so and then I have no idea where I will go next. Fortunately when you travel on your own, you get to decide your own path with no deadlines, questions, or expectations. Ive thought about going to Poland to volunteer, going to Norway to visit my family, maybe even heading over to Thailand to meander around, but who knows I may end up falling in love in Sweden or being a bum on the beach in Madrid. I really enjoy not knowing though, there seems to be a lot more excitement that way.

So, with that, I promise to keep my blog updated on where I am going next and what beautiful gifts this world will bring to my life along my journey. Wish me luck and don't be afraid to send a little prayer out for me....

Gratitude for friendship...

2009-08-14T13:25:00.004-06:00

There have been endless times this year where I have just felt filled with blessings. There is no doubting for me that my life has been blessed beyond measure, so much so that there are times I feel guilty for having it so darn good. Lately I have felt very endowed with friendship. Traveling gives you many opportunities to see that, it allows you to be grateful for the friendship you make on the road, and it reminds you of how much you miss the friendships you have at home.

Yesterday I received a gift in the mail from my friend and my couch surfing host in Ireland. I could hardly contain myself trying to open up that package and when I did my heart melted. Before looking through anything I became overcome with such a feeling of gratefulness for good friends. You see to me, friendship has never been an easy thing. I have many acquaintances in my life but it has always been hard for me to call someone a true friend. Even people I hang out with every once in a while I would just consider an acquaintance. A dear friend once said about me "she shares herself selflessly with those she trusts and earning that trust you should make your sole mission" and it is true. Unless I fully trust someone I cant quite get to that friendship level. At times I feel it is a fault as it means I am not surrounded by a large group of friends, but on the other hand I find it such a gift as the friends I have are some of the most beautiful gifts I know. Regardless, that day I needed a friend and sure enough, my friend showed up.

So back to this package, I cant explain how much it meant to me, but in short it was a reminder of another beautiful friendship I have made that is so very cherished. The package contained a few items, a few of them I wont bother explaining but two of them blessed me so very much. First was a small black sheep teddy. With Ireland being as filled with sheep as it is, it wasn't surprising that sheep were the topic of many conversations. Sheep have always been meaningful to me; because of their personality, because of their relation to the scripture, and because of the classic black sheep (a good friend of mine). Anyway, Kevin and I spoke about this many times so when I received my little teddy it made me feel so special. There is nothing better in the whole wide world than a thoughtful gift.

On our drive to the post office Tiffany and I were talking about a friend of hers who had got into a bad accident and how broken his Mom is over it. She spoke about wanting to do something but knowing what it was like to be on the receiving end and having nothing make things better no matter how hard people tried. The pain of a mother especially during that time is something that cannot be calmed regardless how good someone's intentions are. However, when Tiffany and I opened the second gift from Kevin, I saw a tiny shimmer of that hopelessness fade. Through her tears and laughter while opening her gift of a beautiful silver bracelet with celtic engraving that said Kiya, I saw a broken hearted mother receive joy in the midst of her pain. I too received an engraved necklace that said Jenelle, but the real gift was sharing that moment with Tiffany. It really was one of the best gifts imaginable.

I don't know what was special about Ireland, but it was a place that made me miss Kiya a lot. I spoke about her and my sister endlessly and Kevin just listened. He didn't try to make things better, or find some wisdom filled advise to pass along to my sister, although he too has had many heart aches because of cancer he didn't try to relate, he didn't change the subject, he didn't get uncomfortable. He was simply a friend, I was able to talk, rant, cry as much as I wanted and he just received it. I knew through some of the thoughts Kevin shared with me that Kiya and Tiffany had touched his life but by no means did I think he would be going out of his way to make such a thoughtful gesture to my sister. Thank you, thank you Kevin for the most perfect gift.

On my travels I was able to meet some beautiful people. People who made me laugh, entertained me, kept me company, challenged me, taught me, opened my eyes...I am grateful for those people but I cannot explain the gratitude of the real friendship that was made on my journey. If I could encourage someone right now, I would challenge them to think of one person that has been heavy on their hearts or on their mind and do something for them. As small as the act may seem to you, it could mean healing and hope for someone else. Kevin blessed me with friendship, he spoiled me with the most thoughtful gifts I have received in a long time, but most of all he offered my sister a gift that is irreplaceable and for that I am grateful for friendship.

Since Europe...

2009-08-14T01:01:00.004-06:00

Wow, back home again and I have no idea what that means for me! Life has been busy since I arrived back from Europe and this blog is seeming a bit daunting to me at this point. Its not even that a ton has gone on, but a lot has been happening in my mind lately and it really is just full.

I came home the last week of July and my father picked me up from the airport with Conner and Carter and the four of us drove straight to BC. I was excited to see my family and be at the cabin but it was such a tease to just drive by my bed and not even stop to do a load of laundry, it didn't help either that I had just got off an eight hour flight. Regardless, we pulled up to the cabin in the middle of the night and I had so many emotions flowing through me that I stayed up the entire evening enjoying my own company and writing in my journal. The week with my family was awesome! My sisters, brother-in-law, niece and nephew, my parents, the boys, and my grandparents were all there which was a special treat since most of us are all usually dispersed in a million different places around the world. We spent the week enjoying the sun, the water, Mamas cooking, and one another; it was a great way to be welcomed back.

This past week I spent at Moose Lake, the bible camp that I was raised at. Tiffany and I were able to take Conner and Carter as well, which was literally was a dream come true for me. The place where so much of my spiritual foundation was laid I was now offering to the boys, I cant put into words how special that was to me. Moose feels like home, it feels like my little safe place that just wraps me up and takes me in. The community there is amazing and it is so nice to head back every year to catch up with old friends and relatives. My favorite part was definitely watching the boys though; playing in the park, impatiently waiting for canteen to open, jumping on the tramp, or stubbing their toes on the tree roots - all of it was my childhood memories turning into theirs and I just adored it. And of course God - that big man always shows up at Moose and it was awesome to spend so much time learning, praying, and listening; my spirit definitely needed the reunion. When I actually got on the plane back from Germany I wished I wasn't leaving, I thought it was ridiculous to come home for a short while only to be back again soon. The moment I drove up to the camp grounds with my sister and my bugs I knew THAT was the reason I wanted to be home.

I will say though coming back home has been tough, really tough and I have found myself retracting a lot. Since i've been home I have cried many tears, I have spent a lot of time in prayer, and too much time trying to figure out what my next step will be. I have a million things that I want to do and I just don't know which one to choose right now. Do I want to make myself a home and settle in, move to BC and begin there, find a job and start saving up again, or continue on this traveling journey that my spirit is eating up? And never mind the questions running through my mind, how about being at home again in such a different world? Adjusting back to normalcy was/is difficult. I spent so much time living off nothing and seeing everything, meeting new people that inspired me, and being alone in such a still environment. I really do miss that. It is too fast here, there are times where I feel I am treading water.
I see so many people in my life working in unfulfilling jobs, completely emerged in a consumers world, and running their butts off to keep up in the rat race. It is scary to me and extremely unappealing, and I think I big fear of mine with staying in a city like this is knowing that it wont take long before I am drug into it all over again. So yeah, ive really only been "at home" for a few days over these past three weeks and I am still finding it really difficult. I know things like this take time, but I am fearful of that as well; I am fearful time will erase my fresh eyes. I love the gifts Ive received from traveling, I am grateful for my journey, I suppose now I am just eagerly anticipating where on earth I will land this time.

Hitch hiking France and Germany

2009-07-23T11:08:00.005-06:00

Written July 21st 2009
After Pamplona Juan and I were a touch addicted to each other and wernt quite ready to let our adventure end. We played house with many ideas of where we would go next but in the back of my mind I knew it wouldn't come to fruition as I was heading back home in a few short days. Then an odd thing happened and I missed my flight. It was an honest mistake that left me with a great reward so I ate it up. Rather than sit around Spain and mope about it (although I'm sure that would have been an unlikely option as well) Juan and I decided to hitch hike through Spain and France, and end our trip in Germany. It was fun, loads of fun. We got from Spain to Germany in just over three days (great time) and met insanely amazing people along the way. If your every doubting the good will of human kind I highly suggest taking yourself on a good little hitch hike around a few countries.
Our first stop in France was Arlles where there was a gorgeous little photo festival that I wish I could have stayed longer to enjoy. We ended up getting into Nimes that day where we couch surfed with a wonderful family (my first experience surfing with a couple and their young children). The following day we found ourselves surrounded by another beautiful family in Lyon who picked us up after seeing we had waited for quite a while. They were awesome; they drove us for quite a long while (always a treat) and offered to take us home and spoil us. Of course we couldn't resist and were soon in their gorgeous home stuffing our faces on a delicious meal and showering our dirty bodies (an offer that may have been more of a request lol). It was such a gracious gift and I wish I could have thanked them more. We kept going as far as we could that day and ended up making it to Dole where we finally called it quits around midnight and set up our sleeping bag in the ditch for a few hours of sleep. And few it was, in two weeks it was the worst sleep Juan and I both had. It was really cold and incredibly misty; we both woke up not exactly in the best moods and both soaking wet...not fun. Fortunately that morning we got lucky with a huge ride which brought us all the way to Strasburg where we crossed the border into Germany. That always seemed to be our routine, something really good followed by a touch of bad luck. This car was definitely our stroke of good luck as it took us as far as we made it the previous day in just one short ride. At last we were in Germany. The first day we went to Frankfurt but only ended up spending one night there (another stroke of good luck as we actually found a CSing host willing to take us in at midnight). The next morning bad luck was among us as we woke to a dreadfully powerful thunderstorm that was sure to make our day interesting. And interesting it was as we were picked up by our first bad ride, a friggin horny ass truck driver that wasted our time and I'm pretty sure was ready to make stew out of us by the time we finally stopped. Thankfully we got away unscathed and had a great story to tell.
You know, traveling like this can be really hard. You get worn down and defeated quite easily and the days can just drag on forever. Somehow Juan and I made it through two weeks with no issues and only taking a couple hours each to have our cranky time. No fighting, no annoyances, complaining, disagreements, or leaving each other. We got along beautifully and had some serious fun along the way. Im lucky I stumbled into Juan during my travels, he made them so very special and I am grateful I got to keep him as my travel partner for so long.
We finally made it to Berlin where we set up shop until I was heading back to Calgary. Berlin is a great city, it is beautiful and seems like a place where you can be exactly who you want to be (as original or mainstream as your little heart desires) and there is no judgement. I love what my eyes saw. The culture, history, monuments, houses, people, all of it was just really neat. If I moved to Europe that would totally be a place I could live. During our stay there the ever so social Juan introduced me to many of his fabulous friends (a few of them that we were lucky enough to stay with a couple nights as well). Juan also took me all around the city and was my personal tour guide because as with many European countries he once lived there as well. The monuments, the Berlin Wall it was all just crazy intense. We didn't speak about it at all, there was nothing to say. It was just overwhelming to know what the country used to be like many years ago, to think of what happened in the exact spot I was standing - it was intense.
One day Juan took me to this treasure of a place. It was a little area called Tachelles and it literally made me silent. Every piece of surface was covered in art (mostly graffiti) and the talent just overwhelmed me. There was so much to see that I actually started getting anxious. Artists are a different breed, do you know what goes through their minds? I just stood there thinking about the speed of the million minds that painted this building, artists upon artists desperately trying to paint their way to some outlet. I loved it but it made me want to sit in the middle of the floor and just cry. If I moved to Berlin that would be where I would live. I would be a squatter in the basement and go upstairs everyday to soak up then dispose of all the energy I get from that place. It is indescribable.
Berlin was hard to say goodbye too. I really enjoyed it there and didn't feel like I spent a drop of time that I needed too in order to discover the place. There are a few things I am looking forward too when I get home though. First, for two weeks Juan and I would go to the grocery store and buy a loaf of bread and a thing of meat and cheese. We also got a yogurt drink, a chocolate bar, and a case of nectarines to munch on through the day. Every single day that was our meal for breakfast, lunch dinner, bedtime snack (terribly healthy I know) but I am looking forward to going home and having a pantry full of food and some good ol home cooking. Yum my mouth is watering already. Secondly would be a bed. I haven't had a bed in weeks, floors, parks, ditches, the rare couch, and any other flat surface has been where I've slept but I cant wait to sleep in my own bed again. Laundry is also something I am incredibly excited about. Laundry around the world is quite interesting. Whether it was a man washing my clothes in a river or me scrubbing them in the bathtub, laundry was never the same. I have often found myself daydreaming of my clean, delicious smelling, non-wrinkled clothes, and I'm sure others have thought the same while standing much too close to my temporarily homeless traveling butt. But yeah those are the things I missed the most on my trip. Other than that its been perfect and I'm already concaughting where I will be going next.
Germany was lovely and I'm sad to leave. My whole trip was perfect and I am so very grateful for it. I really couldn't (or wouldn't) ask for much more. So now I'm off to discover "home", I wonder what that will hold...

Pamplona

2009-07-23T10:44:00.002-06:00

I didn't blog about the last leg of my journey so I thought I would do that before it all escapes my tiny little memory. I threw an add on couch surfing to find someone to accompany me on my journey to Pamplona. A Spanish punk named Juan wrote me back and offered to be my hitch hiking companion there. Hitch hiking in Spain, humm, give me something I haven't done before and Im in. Now this could have very well been a terrible mix; hitching with a guy I don't know in a country i've never been to and unable to speak the language, but I had faith and it payed off because it was wonderful.
Our ride was short, safe, exciting, and very entertaining with the the company we found. And Pamplona, well that was just wild. I heard it is a city that typically has two hundred thousand people but during San Fermin it becomes a city of a million people. I didn't doubt this at all as every nook and cranny was absolutely flooded with people. It was mad, like nothing i've ever seen. Every singe street, park, and building was packed with people shoulder to shoulder. There were little mini cities within the big city that had everything a person needed to stay right in the area and was designed to fit their "type" (punk, festive, rave, authentic, etc), although most people only needed/wanted alcohol, cigarettes, and the authentic San Fermin get-up in order to survive for the week. It was one big party that literally did not stop, at six in the morning people are still going just as hard as they were at noon, well minus the hundreds of people lining the edges of each street, passed out or yacking their cookies in every direction but still "awake" and pretending to be a part of the action.
Throughout the days were great too. Every hour had a different event whether it was bull fighting (which no I didn't attend), concerts, dances, or competitions. Mind you through most of the day the city would die down just a touch and the parks would mound with people trying to catch up on sleep for the evening. And that folks is where you would find me. Sleeping in the park for four nights among endless strangers that filled that role of best friends. I remember when I was little and going to school in Brooks at Griffin park. Every few months we would have those giant slumber parities in the school gym. Everyone would bring there sleeping bags, Robert Munch himself would come and read us bedtime stories, and then we would all wake up to a pancake breakfast. Pamplona reminded me of that, I suppose the only difference was the breakfast cause I'm pretty sure even Mr. Munch was somewhere in the crowd.
Now for the big disappointment...I did not run with the bulls! I desperately wanted too and tried my hardest but missed the gate by seconds (I will forever resent Juan for that). I was so pumped up and ready to go. By that point many of our friends had gone and their adrenaline filled stories filled my veins with a touch of jealousy so my mind was made and I was going to run. But NO, the gates had to close and I did the walk of shame back to the stands to watch everyone else enjoy the action. Is was insane. Can you imagine being trapped in a narrow little street, surrounded by hundreds of people who practically leave you immobile and then having a dozen bulls released to uncontrollably chase you. Just absolutely wild. Peoples legs buckling and falling over in fear, men crying and desperately trying to climb over the fence back to safety, and then of course the adrenaline junkies that are trying to touch the bulls for good luck and are paying the price soon after. The run didn't go well that day. A young girl got her legs torn off, many people got tossed around the way a child bounces their toys off a balcony, and a young man was killed. It was really intense to watch, crazy that is some peoples version of fun, scary that is MY version of fun. And with that my time in Pamplona was over. I got my fair share of fun and new experiences for sure. I danced my butt off non-stop for hours every night. I met some crazy people, I saw things that blew me away, and I smiled for four days straight. It was good, it was wild, it was a perfect reminder of why that isn't my lifestyle anymore. Oh Pamplona you gave me fun, thank-you, thank-you and I hope to see you again - only next time ill be running.

Coming home...

2009-07-20T19:23:00.000-06:00

So I’m in London now and have one day until I am back at home. That wonderful, awkward word...home. I hate going back. Of course I am excited and cannot wait to see my family but it is so hard to leave. It is hard to put away the travelling life, to walk back into reality desperately trying to hold on to the spirit that s grown and knowing it doesn’t take long until “home” breaks it down. Crap I shouldn’t write blogs in moments like this.
I am so so grateful and blessed for my last little while of seeing this beautiful world on my own. India gave me passion, a little place in the world that made me fall hard and desperately in love. India stole my heart and I am still not sure what I will do about it. London gave me reality and a quick reminder that I must choose my world carefully in order to be the girl my heart is guiding me to be. Ireland gave me stillness. It gave me beauty that was so unimaginable where I literally felt my words slip away and my mind become so calm. Spain was my freedom. It gave me a community and atmosphere to let go and enjoy. France left me thirsty with a real desire to go out and quench that thirst, to find undiscovered land in my mind again and again. And Germany brought me a piece of me again along with a pinch of shame. Shame for not teaching myself more (history, geography, languages) and me in the sense of being just a bit more raw and a lot more attentive to my adventurous spirit. Each country just taught me so much.
One thing that is difficult about going home is telling people about your trip. Some people don’t care, some don’t understand, and the ones that do care and do want to know about it leave me tongue tied and unable to condense or communicate all that went on. Overall my trip was beautiful and reckless in so many different ways, I’m not sure if I can explain it any better. There were times I felt cracked open and spit out, then times where I’ve never been so sure of myself before.
Throughout this last trip I became really good friends with myself again and also made some new beautiful friends along the way. Oh my goodness did they teach me. Each one of them like little angels perched up and waiting for my arrival, already aware of the gifts they needed to bring to my spirit.
Each step I took in a new country was beautiful. How was I chosen to be this lucky girl that gets to wander the earth and sing happy songs?
Soooo to answer many of your questions about when will I come home, settle down, and get back to reality. Well, I have my own concept of all those questions and I have a funny feeling my view is different than many of yours (what else is new). Settling down for me is settling my heart and I have no idea where that will be, but wherever it is it will be my home because home for me always has been literally where my heart is. Calgary, BC, Thailand, India, its all up in the air right now but I will “settle” at “home” in one of those places soon. And reality, well, I don’t have the technical description in my pocket but the way I think of the word is what is real. What is real in my world is a passion to travel, to discover, and have spice in my life. I fully intend on continuing to discover my reality cause quite frankly I love it. My reality, my settling down is beautiful, fun, and realistic, AND its what I choose for my own path. There have been so many people say to me it is time to come home and get a job, get serious with life. Hello? Anyone know my past? I’ve been “serious” since I was WAY too young, Im just enjoying it now. I sure hope that for as many people that I have had tell me that, I have just as many that pinch me and get me going when I have sat still for way too long. Discovery is fun, you should try...

Happy Birthday to ME...

2009-07-11T22:10:00.002-06:00

Happy Birthday to me. Happy Birthday to the girl who waited far too many years to be this excited for a birthday. On my birthday I have so many wishes for myself and so many beautiful moments to look back on during this past year. This year has been beautiful and tragic, and tragically beautiful. Last year as I sat around blowing out my candles and making my birthday wishes not once did I envision myself to be where I am today. The unanswered prayers that I thought would break my heart turned out to bless my soul. Oh birthday girl you have so much to look forward too.

New friends, new life ventures, new challenges, new talents. Finding foreign paths, healing a broken heart, laughing till I cry, risking myself more. Becoming friends with art again, finding a new thirst for my spiritual journey, adoring my own company, visiting far away lands. This year was so delicious for me! As I look into this next year I have learnt one very important lesson, don't look too far. My path was designed far before I was even conceived, why the heck have I spent so many years stressing over it. This next year, good, bad, or indifferent will be exactly what it was meant to be so my birthday wish for myself is to just enjoy the ride.

Twenty six has now come and I am excited for the next twelve months. There is a fire in my soul that just wants more. The ambers have always been burning and I have always desired a stronger flame that would help fuel my fire to change my world. I don't know why or how but this year that flame ignited and caught like a wild fire. I am so very much ready and looking forward to this year. Endless adventures, lessons, and smiles. I have no idea what is in store but I do know I will make it beautiful.

So happy birthday to the birthday gal. May your year be filled with so much love, memories, new experiences, courageous goals, laughter, family, and sunshine, and may your smile continue to shine tomorrow as brightly as it does today.

Love ME

Barcelona so far...

2009-07-07T07:50:00.001-06:00

Ahhh Beautiful Barcelona, its the life! Ive got no complaints in this lovely city and I am very much enjoying my time here. From the day Ive arrived though I have been in lazy mode to the max. Lounging around on the beach, browsing around the shops, and parking my butt in a park to journal has been about the summary of my trip so far. Every country I have been too has been a ton of fun but also very busy. I'm grateful for that because I have been able to see so much of many different parts of each country, but coming to Barcelona I made a conscious decision that I'm going to relax even if that means I don't make it to see all of the famous landmarks. So relaxing it is...

Barcelona is beautiful but once again not what I expected. I did think it would be a lot more Americanized than it is and I thought that for sure more people would speak English (not very many people do at all here). As imagined the beaches here are amazing. Volleyball, dances, fires, topless ladies, men in speedos, hundreds of people frying in the sun, its all so typical for a Spanish beach and I adore it! Fingers crossed my tan will be delicious when I get home. I cant say much about the people here cause I really haven't talked to many but who I have met have been wonderful to me (the girls here are so nice). My CSing hosts have been really great too. I stayed with Cristian, his parents, and his 93 year old grandmother and really enjoyed my time there. Cristians family did not speak English so we were not able to communicate well through words but the actions we came up with to tell one another about our days or ask each other a question was definitely a sight to see. Cristian was so good to me. He took me to the beach, shopping, to see some sights, to a disco; he really wanted to show me a good time and succeeded. Ive only been at Edwards house for one night but I know I will adore him. He is definitely completely off the wall and hilarious and at the same time super hospitable and mellow. I'm excited for the rest of my stay here.

Tomorrow morning I head out to hitch hike my way to Pamplona to see the running of the bulls. Hitch hiking is ¨forbidden¨ here and I have no idea where I'm going so I'm hoping the guy going with knows a little more (mind you I have no idea who he is and wont find out till were on the road so lets just keep our fingers crossed lol). The streets are flooded with people in every direction so the plan is just to bring our sleeping bags and camp out in the parks with everyone else. I'm so excited and ill try my hardest to remember to come home and blog all about it!

Sending my love from Barcelona....

Beautiful Beautiful Ireland...

2009-07-02T14:53:00.001-06:00

Tonight is my last night in Ireland and I am missing it already. This trip has been so wonderful for me. My CouchSurfing host was just awesome and he made Ireland such a treat for me. Kevin planned out a full week on the road tenting Ireland, he took care of all our gear, picked out some touristy spots and added in many favourite places of his own. When I first decided to visit Ireland I did not envision this would be the way I would see it but I cant think of any better way now.

Soooo, Ireland. Holy man it is crazy beautiful here. We were able to drive so much of the Southern and Western areas of the Country and it was crazy gorgeous. The green, the mountains, hills, sheep, stone fences, cliffs, the coast; it was all very close to how I envisioned it (minus the palm trees and surf beaches) and it really did take my breath away. Im not exactly the most vocal person about some things, especially when I am in awe I just like to be in my own mind soaking in all that is around me. Im sure Kevin wondered what the heck I thought of his home many times but it was just so hard to talk about. You can only say “its beautiful”, “wow” or “I love it” so many times before it just becomes redundant. The fact was it was too pretty for me to put words too. I love Ireland.

During this trip we spent most of our time in the South West part of the country. We drove for quite a few hours every day visiting many small towns and villages along the way. The three Counties we visited were Cork, Kerry, and Clare. The regions within those that we saw were Beara Peninsula, Lakes of Killarney, Ring of Kerry, Dingle Peninsula, and The Burren. Some of the great places we were able to stop and see along the way were Cliffs of Moher (absolutely stunning), some beehive huts, Priest Leap, some gorgeous lakes, Aries (the most remote village in Ireland), Healey Pass, Gap of Dunlow, a huge ring fort, castles (including the Blarney Stone Castle which I did indeed kiss), Dunbeg, Slea Head (the most Westerly point in Ireland), Dunquin Beach, of course some Cathedrals, Lihinch, Ailwee Caves, Poulnabrone Dolmen (the most photographed site in Ireland), and we even stopped into a pub in Doolin to see a traditional music session (which I really loved). The list could go on and on really. Needless to say we did lots of fun things and visited some great places along the way. Ahhh I have loved this trip and everywhere I have visited!

Tenting around was lots of fun. We headed out and found our own places (rather than camp sites) and especially during the first few nights we had gorgeous spots around the coast where we were completely secluded and left with only the beautiful land; I loved it, it was peace at its finest. We had one really bad night where there was a bit of a wind/rain storm and I woke up eating the top of the tent, im pretty sure Kevin still hates me for sleeping perfectly through the night when he was awake for nearly the whole evening. Our last few nights we didn’t set up shop till really late so we ended up camping out in farmer fields. Those were interesting nights surrounded by cow patties and slugs, and having the farmers wake us up wayyy too early telling us to move along. Anyway, the whole tenting bit was definitely the way to go; we had so much fun and made lots of memories with our night time cookouts and laughing our way to sleep.

I would like to think it is the norm but Im betting I got very lucky with my CS host. Him and I had such an awesome week together, we were able to see so many places and experience so much of Ireland. The two of us are very similar in many ways which was really great; we are both fairly mellow with a really nonchalant attitude about what we were going to do or where we were going to go next, he made for a great travel partner. I spent every waking minute with the guy and didn’t even hate him near the end, for those of you who know me and men that kinda speaks volumes. But yes the two of us shared many many laughs and lots of life stories. I am grateful he came into my world at this time and Im glad we were able to teach each other quite a bit over this short time (oh how I love learning). Anyway, I will definitely miss Ireland when I leave but I will also miss Kevin a lot and having such a great friend around all the time. Thank (tank) you a million times over Kevin for all you did for me during this trip, you really did make it special and I appreciate you so much. When I am lost in life I will look for my own red and white poles to guide me, I hope you do the same and I hope they don’t turn yellow or blue along your journey.

Its not just Kevin though (although I do think he is bizarrely nice) but the people here are lovely in general. The men here are such gentlemen (im actually pretty sure when I decide to get married ill be moving to this neck of the woods to find me an Irish man). Every time I walked down the street and there was a man walking towards me he would move out of the way and say “mind the lady”, and each and every time that would happen I would giggle to myself feeling so spoiled and special. Its funny but you forget at home that that is once the way men treated women, it feels so good. I cant get started on the whole Irish men bit but I will say I love them, I felt like a lady the whole time I was here and only met the most respectable men, it was great. I loved the random conversations too, people just wanted to chat to you about nothing forever, it made for a slower way of life and I really fell in love with that especially near the end. The towns here are adorable, the streets are lined with colourful stores that are hundreds of years old; they still shut down on Sundays and they still welcome you with a smile and a hello each and every time you walk in, ah its lovely. Aside from the terribly weak coffee I did not have any complains about Ireland, it is a wonderful place in this world with some of the most beautiful and diverse landscapes. I am so grateful that I was able to visit here and make many many beautiful memories from this journey. Goodbye Ireland you will be dearly missed!

Driving around the world...

2009-07-02T12:59:00.009-06:00

Driving in different parts of the world is always interesting. I took a few videos of traveling in the countries I have visited lately and looking back on all the them makes me smile so much. The last two are from when I was in India, one is of us on a Rickshaw and as you can see we are going about a mile a minute in the loads of people, the other is us having a little giggle on our first sleeper train. The one in the middle is from a road I fell in love with in London, and the first video is from of me driving on the wrong side of the road in Ireland. It was so much fun, Kevin and I just laughed and laughed forever. Oh a quick forewarning about that video: I had a little slip of the tongue and Kevin quickly followed suit so if you dont want to hear the swearing please just dont watch the video (a quick disclaimer for my family). Anyway I hope you enjoy the videos of my crazy transportation around the world as much as I do.

My travels with Kiya...

2009-07-01T14:53:00.001-06:00

Written June 27th 2009

Throughout my travels many people have passed in and out of my mind. This or that will remind me of someone or make me wish I could share that exact moment with a certain person. For some reason though, one consistent person has remained on my mind, Miss Kiya Jade. I have just missed her so much. In India there were so many itty bitty babies that reminded me of Kiya, in England there were the smallest baby gravesites everywhere and obviously it reminded me of Kiya but also made me weep for the mothers all around the world who have experienced pain like my sisters, in Ireland there are dozens of sheep and bunnies in every blink you take – which are the two animals that remind me of Kiya (its too long to explain why). I had a dream the other night that Tiffany and Kiya came to pick me up from the airport, that’s how it would have been and those are the small things that I am really longing for. I got so caught up with how everyone else was handling the death of Kiya that I never really validated my own pain as an Auntie who lost her niece. I really miss her; I wish I could see her grow. I want to know who she would have become, what kind of lady she would have been, how close the two of us would have been. I am sad for that but I am so grateful that I see her everywhere right now. I feel closer to her here for some reason and it gives me such a feeling of comfort. I have really enjoyed sharing this trip with Kiya and I am excited for the two of us to continue on in this journey. Six months babe, that’s a long one; I miss you baby girl.

Im there, Im laughing in my sleep...

2009-06-29T02:54:00.000-06:00

Back in January I wrote a blog about Conner laughing his little heart out in his sleep. It literally was music to my ears. I wrote then that “My wish is to be this happy. To hold my stomach laughing even while I’m fast asleep”. Its been a long time since I wrote that blog and I’ve had a lot of searching to do since that point. I’ve had to make some major changes to my world and ive worked really hard on certain areas, heck Ive even had to travel half way around the world just to find my place at home. The good news is it worked; im there. Every night my CSer teases me that I wake him in the middle of the night due to my constant laughter. I can’t even explain how happy that made me to hear. What I do know is that I feel it in my spirit, not even just on these travels but before then too, I am lifting and I am at peace with where I am at. AND…..I laugh in my sleep!

Ireland is wonderful, I don’t really have time to update right now but I will in a few days. This is one of the most beautiful countries I have ever stepped foot in. Every time I blink I open my eyes to something new and something more beautiful. Come…all of you!

Farewell London, Its been fun!

2009-06-24T18:49:00.000-06:00

There is an artist that I love (Banksy) who had an exhibit this month in London. I found out last minute and was really excited to go check out his work but realized it was about four hours away from where Im staying. Instead I decided to go check out the typical London sites since my time was almost up, it only took a few hours for me to regret my decision. Dont get me wrong, I loved seeing all the typical touristy things but I felt like I was doing it more out of obligation since I was a new visitor to London. Dino took me around for the afternoon and we really enjoyed ourselves but many times through the day I thought to myself, ug 100 pieces – how could I not be there! I hate it when I do that to myself, I did it in Mexico too. Anyway, today was a little different. There were still sights left unseen but I woke up feeling no desire to see the rest so I took off for a day on my own.
Today was lovely. I slept in a bit, then headed into London to check out a few markets. I love markets, I love the junk that is sold in them, I love the vibe, I love the people that go. I bought myself my first bag of cherries this summer and walked around the market perusing on my own. After a few hours I went back into downtown to meander around and accidently found myself buying a tinnnny bit of clothes (this backpacking gig just isn’t for me). It was a really great afternoon. This evening I joined some friends that I met at Hillsong for their small group. It was a really great evening of making new friends, sharing our views, and of course having strangers pray for me (Priscilla your kind prayers made me cry just a touch). It ended up being quite a late evening but I still wanted to make time for my blog since I don’t know what I will have for internet in Ireland. Anyway, I am glad for today, my heart needed it.
Coming to London has been a lot of fun but it has actually been quite difficult as well. My world was so different in India and I have not even begun to absorb that trip and then was plopped into a completely different world. I was definitely in a bit of a shock. I cant really explain it anymore but it was a fairly emotionally draining few days for me and actually made me a bit lonely. I think today helped heal but I am excited to head to Ireland now and see what that journey has in store for me.
One of the best parts of my travels so far is how much time Ive got to spend with myself. I missed me. At home life gets so busy that I rarely make time for myself. I feel like before I left I was not spending nearly as much time as I need too taking care of me, talking to me, being friends with me. Like many relationships in life, I let the busy world eat me up and did not put in nearly as much effort that was needed on me. With this trip I have spent so much time with me again and I have loved it. I am beautiful. Seriously, there are times where I catch a thought or a prayer and I think, man Jenelle you have grown, you are so lovely to be around. I am happy to be in that place again, im sure many things, feelings, hopes, will go back to normal when I get home but one thing I will hold on too is the relationship I have built with myself.
London was fun and a place I would like to come back to visit. I had great hosts, I met some really wonderful new people and I saw a country that was so beautiful (and perfectly old). The land here is so gorgeous and I will miss not having coffee while looking at such beautiful scenery and buildings. I am however really excited for Ireland, cause I know I will just love it there! Ill try and update you (well my blog) along the way. Thanks again for all the emails and love that has been sent my way, there were a few of you that came at just the right time and it means so very much to me.

Goodbye India, Hello London!

2009-06-22T15:20:00.005-06:00

India was amazing। I was blessed to travel much of the Northern side and did some amazing things along the way। I camped in the Himalayan Mountains, I rode an elephant, I saw the greatest wonder of the world, I took a train across much of the country, I truly did experience the culture in a very sincere way, my list could go on forever. Some of my most favourite memories however are the people I met along the way. I worked with a group of slum kids and had the time of my life. I made heart connections that I will carry forever and was so very much blessed by those beautiful children. When I looked at their situations and travelled into their “homes” I must admit that a part of me thought, seriously God what kind of sick game is this? But when I got to know them I learnt very quickly that their lives, however hard they are have it, provided them with such a unique and beautiful way of looking at the world and the people in it. I suppose it is a fairly big trade off and although there were times when I saw pain in their eyes, I have never in my life met children so happy, full of love, and passionate.
To sum up India in this blog or even attempt too would be absolutely silly but my point is I loved my journey through that beautiful land and it was very difficult to say goodbye as I temporarily walked away from that world. As hard as it was to say goodbye to India it was very exciting to welcome myself to London. My flight was early which meant I had a full day to spend on my own venturing around. I took the underground downtown and made my way to an internet cafe to update my Mommy as to where I was (I am most definitely my Moms most faithful daughter – wink wink). After ठाट, exhaustion hit and I went and found a park to put down my bags and catch a little shut eye. My eyes lit up when I wandered back and saw Subway so I went in for my first “home” meal and met a lovely guy to share lunch and stories with then stole the floor of their bathroom to freshen my dirty self up and start looking presentable for HILLSONG.
I was so grateful to make it back in time to go to the Hillsong service. Actually I was quite bummed before leaving Canada that I would not be able to go but “coincidentally” I made it just in time and it was fabulous. When I sat in that service I wanted to live in London instantly and have that as my church community every week. I have not had an actual church service in about a month now so I was quite thirsty for one and it was just so powerful to sit in a room with a couple thousand people my age just as in love with God as myself. Ahhh I loved it. I also meet a really great group of people there and I am really looking forward to later in the week as they have invited me to their small group and to discover a bit of their London.
Anyway London has been great. It is so beautiful here. Salvatore and Dino have been absolutely wonderful to me and have already taken me out to Windsor to snoop around there at that measly little second home of the Queens. Everything here is so green and luscious. Today I spent a lot of time in an older area of the suburbs where some of the buildings and homes are 700 years old; I was in my glory. Oh and did I mention it is only 20 degrees here, which has been such a gift since the temperature in India averaged anywhere from 43-48 every day.
So yes my travels here have already been great. The only issue I had was my backpack, I had a little brain fart and packed my bag normally when I left Delhi (keep in mind I had stayed up all evening and did not get any sleep) so when I landed in London I threw on my bag and thought that it was crazy heavy. Sure enough when I opened it up I used this bag to bring home my three books, two bibles and a few other heavier items. I love them all too much to give up so it looks like ill be lugging around many many extra pounds these next few weeks. Oh and I forgot to pack t-shirts, I have the one that I was wearing on the plane and that is it; I suppose though that London wouldn’t be the worst place to have to go shopping!
I am desperately tired right now so I’m not sure if this blog even makes sense and I suppose it is time for bed. I will try to attach along a few photos soon! Lots of love from London...

Blessings

2009-06-22T14:58:00.002-06:00

Written June 17th, २००९
A few weeks before leaving my Dad took my sister and I to a hockey game. There was a middle aged man sitting a row ahead of us and soaking in the game. He was so giddy and happy to be there. He took pictures of everything, the players, the jumbo-tron, himself; he couldn’t get enough of the game. I remember sitting there thinking, where did that go for me, how did I get so used to having it all?
I had one friend write me and she said “many of my friends travel to all corners of the world and enjoy it but anyone I’ve known that goes to India comes back a little different, I’m excited to know what your change has been”. I still don’t think I am in the position to process what my “changes” have been since I’ve arrived but I am beginning to see it in certain things and I believe one of those areas is being reignited with an even more grateful heart.
I am so giddy here, every piece of India I am soaking in. I am sick and exhausted and I feel like I could sleep for days on end yet I cannot afford to rest here because I love it too much and I want to venture into every little corner this beautiful country has to offer. I am so glad that I can look around this place and see the beauty in it. I am thankful that there are so many times through the day that I could not even begin to count when I stop to think to myself how lucky I am. Not many people get to travel the world the way I have, not many people have the joy of experiencing other ways of life; how wonderful do I have it?
So yes, I have had many changes in India some personal and some I will blog about when my mind and my heart can finally absorb my world in this past little while but the one that seems very pertinent right now is my grateful heart and I am so so thankful that I have walked through each and every day here knowing that I have been blessed beyond measure.

Pictures

2009-06-13T12:27:00.004-06:00

कांत गेट एनौघ!!

2009-06-13T12:25:00.001-06:00

“For where your treasure is, there will your heart be also” Matthew 6:21 The Msg

My treasures have been bountiful in the past two weeks. This trip has lifted me so high. India itself has been amazing for me and the blessings we have been able to provide have definitely brought back a certain twinkle to my eye. The work that is happening in my soul though is immeasurable, my heart is singing here!

Currently I am driving to Jaipur in the back of a bus (way in the back, like where the luggage is stored however that is more by choice so I can have a bit of time on my own to journal and enjoy my own thoughts). Last night we traveled from Deahradun to Delhi on an overnight sleeper train then we were picked up by our bus (at 4:00am) and went from Delhi to Agra. The train was quite an experience to say the least. There are six beds stacked three high on each side then two more beds at your feet. They are just pull down plastic cloth things and as you crawl into them you definitely wonder how the small chains will possibly hold you up for the whole evening through all the twists and turns. Kaleb, Brittney, and I were in one section with Kaleb on the bottom (oh so manly while protecting the “girls”) and Brit and I were on the very top across from one another. Kaleb and I were on the same side with another gentleman in the middle bed between us. This man had a whooping, disgusting, loud, horrifying cough (to say the least) and he continued to hack up half his lung and hork it into a cup for the entire four hour train ride. Needless to say I could not sleep. I had my face buried in my sheets just praying that I would not get a quarter of whatever the heck sickness he was dealing with. Rather than sleep I entertained my evening by envisioning my mother sleeping across the bed from me. Mom, you would have been freaking out doing your scared-laughing-crazy thing, haha, you amused me all night. I wish I could convince you and Dad to come here eventually but I know it is pushing you a touch far.

The MK camp is officially over. It was fabulous! It placed so many desires on my heart that I did not think I was even interested in originally, and I am really looking forward to where that will lead me. I would love to update everyone on every detail of the camp but it would be best to hold out another week. What I will say is it was an absolutely gorgeous location with children that were a beautiful riot. I am very grateful to have been a part of the camp and to be introduced to a world that is all encompassing.

Oh a quick update on the food. It is still just as fabulous and I have been enjoying every single meal ive had but when I leave I am purging every carb from my body. Whoever the lucky person was that said they lost weight in India has essentially won the lottery. It is straight carbs every single meal and snack we have had. Its is great food but I am sick of all the breads and starting to hit panic mode when I walk into a restaurant. I will be hitting up the wakeboard and gym double time when I get home but until then I am eating up all this deliciousness.

Today we spent the morning at the Taj Mahal which was really neat to experience. I wont give you the whole run down on the history behind it (but if your interested google it cause it is quite an interesting place). It was pretty overwhelming to know that I was standing in the number one wonder of the world. Last year I made a goal to visit at least one wonder of the world every two years. Two in two years is a pretty good start! The building itself is phenomenal (Dad you would love to be here and hear all about the history and the making), we took tons of pictures and had a really great day taking a bit of a break and just exploring. Tonight we will arrive in Jaipur and tomorrow we will spend the day hopefully riding elephants and shopping around the markets. In the evening we will go back to Delhi and start our work in the different shelters and whatnot around the city on Monday morning.

Again I am writing this in hopes I will actually find a connection to post. I hope this message finds all of you well and I hope life at home is fabulous! I quite enjoy the fact that all my friends and family are living in the past to me and I am living in their future, if even by a day it is very fun and a great irony for me seeing as though the present always seems to be the one lost in my world. Anyway, I am safe, having an absolute blast, and really enjoying India. I will write again when I get the chance (although I may not find internet again until London). Love you all!!!

इंडिया India

2009-06-13T12:22:00.000-06:00

Written June 5th 2009:

India!!! Honestly I don’t know where to start, it has been absolutely amazing. I have been here for less than a week and it is one of the most incredible experiences I have ever had. I am currently writing this blog on a train to the Himalayans (and hoping I will find an internet connection when we arrive) – but that’s not the point, the point is I am on a train riding across India!!! Sitting on the edge, letting my feet dangle over the side, and typing away to my friends and family back home. This is marvellous!

The people here are like no one else I have ever met, yet like every other person I know. Like most things I want to write home about, I simply cannot. I have had more feelings without words in these few short days. I feel simplified, not just in my spirit but in my mind as well. I cannot write down what I am thinking or how I would like to portray this beautiful place; I don’t even know where to begin.

Ill try writing this first blog a bit more surface, maybe that will open me more. So…heat! Im wondering if any of you have crawled into an oven and camped out for a bit beside a big old pot of stinky stew? No? Huh, you should try too or at the very least travel to India in the dead of summer. Yesterday was 46 for most of the day, humid beyond belief, add on a morning rain, some funky “scents”, and the combination can basically throw you over the edge. It seriously pushes your body to limits you didn’t know you could reach. Every pour of my body leaks, it is absolutely necessary to shower multiple times a day. After a few short hours you are melting, literally you feel like you are melting, like your skin is just dripping off of you and your legs cannot withstand the weight above. Insane people; bloody insane.

Food has been amazing. So many people got my mind messed with all sorts of crazy when it came to the food, but it has been great. I have not eaten a thing I didn’t like and it is not nearly as spicy as I prepared in my mind it would be. Sure the plates are essentially community stacked and just wiped off and handed to the next person, but hey, all for one and one for all! Delhi belly has not even factored in and for that I am grateful, Tasha has already been plugging in my head that this is where I am supposed to be; Im an Indian at heart…humm food for thought!

Again, I would love to tell you all about the people I am traveling with but I cant. I have wrote and re-wrote this part and there are not words, nothing even sitting at the tip of my tongue. I am with beautiful people, each and every one of them thoughtfully placed together on this trip, and for very good reason. They are lovely and they have taught me so much, together we will teach, learn, and grow and I am really looking forward to that piece of the journey.

Mama I miss you. I know you are stressed but there really is no reason to be. I have experienced more kindness, silent connections, and general respect here than anywhere I have been in the world. Dad your words, your verses, your eyes, have kept me calm and focused in times of panic and I am really grateful for that. Christa, I wish I could talk to you every day. I have a million stories I want to share with you so you’re all jacked up for Brazil; I am so excited for you and your team. Tiffany, I miss you. Thank-you for your messy scribbles and disastrous highlights that have beautified my bible and spoke to me when I needed it the most. I love, love you all and I hope to find time to write home again soon. Miss you!

Rain, rain, go away...

2009-05-29T23:24:00.004-06:00

Artist: Beata Czyzowska Young

God and I have been having a few issues lately. My Dad used liken having a relationship with God to walking with Him in the rain. God holds an umbrella over your head and as the two of you walk along He keeps you company, keeps you safe, and keeps you dry. If you choose to walk out in the rain He doesn't walk away. He patiently walks beside you, shaking His head at what you are doing to yourself. But when you are ready, you can walk back under His umbrella and dry off...no strings attached.

There are situations in my life where I feel I am walking under His umbrella and am so rewarded for it. Then, there are situations where I know I am walking in the rain. I don't want to be, but Ive gotten myself so wet and cold by this point I don't trust I will actually dry off once if I step underneath again. The trouble is, He is my only shelter, and I want to be that by MYSELF; there in lies the issue.

Needless to say, God and I are having a bit of a power struggle right now and unfortunately He is one bull headed bugger and is NOT backing down. There is one major area of my life where this is particularly true (and no this next sentence will not be what discloses my current heart war). What He has designed for me is not what I necessary desire and not what I have put in the effort to seek out. I have designed that path on my own, I have denied His right to be a part of it. I have chosen to ignore what has been clearly written out for me and now, many moons later I am mad at the result. Reminder: must-not-have-thick-head!

The good news is, I think am ready. I am admitting defeat. I am letting go of choice and holding on to direction (ohhh I hear the laughter in the crowds). I am coming home from India and seeking out what was designed for me. I don't have full faith in this but I am learning, and I don't know if I will really be taken care of but I have decided it is worth a try. Maybe, just maybe, I will finally follow and find. I am giddy in dreaming of what it will hold because I know whatever form it enters in it will be designed just for me and beautiful beyond imagination. I am singing already!

Your mountain is waiting...

2009-05-28T00:44:00.005-06:00

These past few days have been a bit funny with all of my nerves floating around my tummy as a prepare myself for my trip. In a matter of seconds I can be excited, scared, anxious, impatient, and giddy. Today my Mothers panic seemed to set in. She was being all sorts of crazy and during one of her rants I thought of a story she used to read me and a story that I loved to read to the boys. I dug it out tonight and it was my little reminder and nudge of encouragement that I needed.

Mom: Relax, your kids movin mountains, what can I say....

Congratulations! Today is your day.
You’re off to Great Places! You’re off and away!
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes
You can steer yourself any direction you choose.
You’re on your own. And you know what you know.
And YOU are the gal who’ll decide where to go.
You’ll look up and down streets. Look ‘em over with care.
About some you will say, “I don’t choose to go there.”
With your head full of brains and your shoes full of feet,
You’re too smart to go down any not-so-good street.
And you may not find any you’ll want to go down.
In that case, of course, you’ll head straight out of town.
It’s opener there in the wide open air.
Out there things can happen, and frequently do
to people as brainy and footsy as you.
And when things start to happen,
Don’t worry. Don’t stew.
Just go right along. You’ll start happening too.
OH! THE PLACES YOU’LL GO!
You’ll be on your way up! You’ll be seeing great sights!
You’ll join the high fliers who soar to high heights.
You won’t lag behind, because you’ll have the speed.
You’ll pass the whole gang and you’ll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you’ll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.
And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
So…
be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray
or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea,
You’re off to Great Places! Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
~Dr. Seuss

My Bedtime Lullaby...

2009-05-18T21:59:00.011-06:00

Summer is around the corner so I decided to make myself a few windchimes. The problem is I fell in love with them, so rather than hang them up outside I just put them above my bed. At night I give them a little push and fall asleep to their gentle sounds...awe, its so pretty. I found this poem the other day and had to smile at its parallel...enjoy!

A Matter of Time:

He was given an offering of enchanting music

A wind chime to rest his soul

With every waking day he would open his eyes to his swaying gift

He would study it with great recognition

Appreciating its every move and gentle sound

When he was lonely he would listen to its chime

It would ease his heart and remind him of something greater

It would tell stories of peaceful days

This little tiny windchime kept his longing company

He found trust in this melody

Its each jewel grazing against one another to sing a song of comfort

A magnificent vision that mirrored his being

Its peaceful presence opened to bear all colors

For days, months, years on end this chime became his friend

Then one day the wind picked up

He went outside to find his chime rattling about

Its magical sounds turned into relentless pounding

There was no music left to hear on that cold windy day

So he took his windchime down...

He put it away for good.

-Author Unknown

Let us not look back in anger or forward in fear, but around in awareness. -James Thurber

2009-05-16T01:51:00.007-06:00

My trip is finalized, my tickets are booked, I am leaving HOME! I leave June 1st to visit Northern India for three weeks. I cannot wait! I am going with some beautiful people who I know will bless me and I hope in turn I do the same for them. Together we will have the opportunity to venture India and work in shelters and orphanages throughout. We will experience a life that cannot begin to parallel ours, and we will be given the gift of giving which really is unbeatable. From India I will leave my group and head to London, Ireland, then Spain. I will meet new people, travel unaccustomed land, and discover bits of not only the Countries I visit but myself as well. I have been so excited for weeks, months even, but as my trip gets closer I am beginning to feel a foreign feeling, FEAR.

Fear has never really has been a feeling I knew well. From infancy to adulthood, I was never really fearful. By the time I was twelve years old I had broken my arm a half a dozen times and got stitches twice. My Mom used to tell me about when I was a baby and I would touch the TV. She would say "no" and with a smile on my face I would place my hand back on the TV with a "whatcha gonna do about it" look in my eye. She could tell me no, slap my hand, get angry, whatever she wanted and according to her I wouldn't budge. I cannot deny it, at twenty-five years of age I am still very much like that "no" is by far not my favorite word and fear doesnt seem to be a popular part of my vocabulary.

However fear is a quality I find myself trying to learn. Healthy fear seems very appealing to me. I am constantly seeking adventure and chasing a thrill, even with my heart I am fearless. Over the past few years I am learning cautiousness, I am slowing down a bit and being more cognesent of the dangers I put myself in; physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

My Aunt found this picture of me a couple weeks ago and it made me smile. This picture, to me, sums up a lot actually, I am the youngest of the bunch and the least fearful. As everyone else holds on to the safety bar my hands stretch far above my head, and with a huge smile on my face I am fearing nothing and taking everything in. In two weeks exactly I leave to a new world and for once I have fear when I look at this picture and think of my adventures. I know myself, I know my limitless spirt, I know I need to work on that during my travels. I need to have more fear, I am aware I am stepping on unfamiliar ground and trusting in something I have no reason to trust in. I know there will need to be times I will have to lower my hands and grab ahold of my safety bar, I just hope I am still able to do it with a smile on my face. Ahhhh!!!

Happy Mothers Day (better late than never)

2009-05-12T21:49:00.002-06:00

To the Mommies in my life: Happy Mothers Day!

To my Mommy: Ill make this short and sweet cause if I went into detail about why I am grateful for you as a Mom we would all be here for hours. Especially in the last five years you and I have grown so much together and you are such a good friend to me. I know that if I ever needed you, I could call anytime and you would be there. You love helping your children and playing the role of a Mommy and it is so very apparent. Your support in my life has been such a gift, no matter how big or small you do your best to always support me or gently guide me in the right direction. People used to say to me "you are your Mothers daughter" and I never really saw it, I see it everyday now and I love seeing you in me. I love you Mama and I thank you for being such a good Mom. After the year you have had there is no greater Mothers Day wish that I have for you than for you to rest your heart and have smiles and ease poured through you.

The lady who first made me an Auntie: Christa. Growing up Christa always talked about how she would parent. Quite frankly I always thought she would be the sister that would drive me nuts with her parenting. Don't get me wrong, I knew she would be a good Mom but I didn't think her and I would have the same parenting techniques. Boy was I wrong. She is seriously one of the best Moms I know. She is so amazing with her children. Tula and Maverick are her heart and unlike so many Mothers out there, her children are not a chore they are her passion. Sometimes when I lie in bed and think of my children, I pray for certain qualities Christa brings to her family, I love knowing that I am so proud of my sister I pray to be more like her. Happy Mothers Day Chris!

If I were to be completely honest, I did not think Tiffany would have children for years!! When I found out she was pregnant I thought "what the heck? How is this gonna work?". But about the second I found myself thinking that, was also around the same time that I remembered one small detail, commitment. Tiffany is about the most committed person I know. When she decides something, it is a done deal and Mothering was no different. Tiffany has always been one of my greatest teachers in life, but seeing her as a Mom taught me more than I could imagine. I really truly have never seen a mother encapsulate so many qualities at the exact same time. She is so loving, fun, tender, patient, calm, and protective, seriously my list could go on forever. With Kiya, Tiffany needed to take on a million roles and put on many different hats, she did it with such ease and grace and it was beautiful to watch. Tiff, I know this Mothers Day is a tough one for you but I want you to know when I see you, I see such a beautiful Mom who is still always putting her daughter first. I cannot wait to start having babies with you (even if it is Plan B); Happy Mothers Day!

And of course I should mention my Grandma Klettke as it is my first year without her and on this Mothers Day especially I was reminded that without her being such a fabulous Mom I would not have been given the gift of my beautiful Mother. Everyone brings certain qualities into their family that change the dynamic of their home, I still see so many of your qualities in our home today. Laughter is definitely one of them, you loved to laugh (and it was honestly one of the sweetest sounds i've heard), sometimes when I see the way my sisters and I laugh with our Mom I think of you and all the giggles that you, Mom, and Lori shared, I bet they were beautiful. Kindness! There was one time in my whole life that I ever heard you say something negative about another person (which was actually really cute to hear), you really did follow the whole philosophy of "if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all". That one quality alone brought me so much respect for you. You Grandma, were a beautiful lady who was so loved and adored (who else gets 93 cards sent to them when their sick). Sometimes I feel like you are away in Arizona and any day now you and your pink nylon shirt and flood pants will come giggling through the front door, oh Grandma I miss you and Mothers Day really did remind me of how lucky I am to have been blessed with you.

Dear, I see it in your eyes...

2009-05-07T20:06:00.001-06:00

The moment I walk into these Senior Center doors, I am my mother. Almost every day here I have memories of my Mom taking care of one of our family members. As a child I was so blessed to not only have each of my grandparents, I also had all but two great grandparents (in fact I still have one). Through the lives and deaths of six great-grandparents and one grandmother, I was able to learn so much about caring for those during their last phase of life.

There are times I remember getting this sick feeling in my stomach in certain situations, and when I would look at my Mom I knew there were moments where she felt the same, but she would smile through it and hum it away; I too have learnt to do that, without her explaining it to me, I knew the importance of that very small act.

I remember going to the hospital after my great-grandfather had gangrene. Mom briefly forewarned us that one of his legs had been amputated but because I was so young (maybe eight or so), I was totally unprepared for the gravity that would hold for me. I went in there completely shocked, rather frightened, and stomach turning. Mom didn't skip a beat. She told him how great he looked after surgery, she rubbed his wounds, she sang to him. I knew that feeling in my stomach would probably stay, but I also knew that I needed to get past it, I needed to find my inner Mom and be alright with these situations. So today I find myself humming a tune and I catch myself perching my lips the same way as her, as I gently put food into another women's mouth.

I cannot explain the entertainment I receive from working in a senior center. Listening to the constant bantering, the well-earned entitlement to receive whatever/whenever, the grace in their eyes, the coldness in some hearts. You really do get to see it all. People are different before they pass away. When people know they don't have much time left, it opens up a freedom in them to be whoever they would like; it is bloody hilarious and so beautiful all in one.

Every morning the seniors go to their regular spot in the dinning room. The table beside us is usually quite lively. It consists of Adelle (or as she likes to introduce herself as "Adelle, Adelle, nice to meet you pretty bell, now go away or go to h*ll"), Oscar who has Parkinson's and is essentially immobile, and Mr. Johnston, a very proper english gentleman who loves his gold jewelry and is very loud, exaggerated, and humors. Anyway, the three of them were talking today and this is how the conversation went:

Mr. Johnston: "Good-morning Oscar, OSCar, OSCAR, just wave to me this once Oscar. Can you believe he is 68?"

Adelle: "Oh he's in rough shape for being so young, looks like we'll beat him there"

Mr. Johnston: "You know, Im 94 almost 95"

Adelle: "Im 91, turning 92, looks like you'll beat me there too"

Mr. Johnston: "We made it Adelle, we made our nineties, congratulations" (at this point they have about a sixty second eye lock/handshake) "You know I never even smoke or drank"

Adelle: "Well you missed out on a lot of fun...I mean A LOT!" (and that was pretty much a conversation stopper for Adelle, I mean really, who doesn't smoke or drink?)

At times, I sit in the lunch room and think about how much wisdom is in this one room. How many years of experience, tears, growth, and setbacks; literally I cannot even fathom. Thankfully I have had the pleasure of receiving that wisdom so many times. I have been in the company of many beautiful souls who have offered the most simple yet brilliant advice in all areas of life. The other day Eva (the lady I am working with) said to me "I try not to worry but my disposition calls out for me to do so. I haven't got the natural fortitude to just let it go", she followed that with the kindest glance and a graceful "dear, I see it in your eyes, you need to work on that too". Oh the words of the wise!

Orange vs. Yellow

2009-04-23T23:14:00.004-06:00

Last night was my final evening of glassblowing and it was great! Glassblowing has always been an art form that I have wanted to try and I am so glad I did. One of my favorite parts of glassblowing however, was realizing I am not a glassblower nor am I interested in becoming one. The last evening of our two months of classes was supposed to be spent mastering the art and creating your final big project. All week I thought about what I would create, what my final piece would turn into, but when I got there I really didn't care; not in an apathetic way, I just wasn't interested in making anything else. I was satisfied, completely content with what I had already made and I wanted to focus on those items instead. Typically I would have gone to class and blown glass from the beginning to end, not missing out on one minute to ensure that I created the best piece ever and made the most of my time. But throughout this process I have realized that glassblowing isn't my thing and I don't need to make it that way. It is really difficult, seriously too hot, and not something I am able to go home and practice on my own. I knew within the first few weeks that I wouldn't be going any further in it. Now typically I am a very competitive person and this response just wouldn't have sat well, but for some reason something was different this time. I was fully willing to accept that glassblowing was not my forte and I didn't need to stress myself out trying to make it that way. I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, but either way it was a pretty neat discovery for me.

Now don't get me wrong, although I am not becoming a professional glassblower any time soon, I still enjoyed each and every class I had. Week after week I challenged myself and learnt something new. I focused my mind on art for a minimum of four hours every week, which is great habit to get into and something I really need to do more. Most of all I had set aside time each and every week just for me. It gave me an opportunity to clear my mind, to think things through, to be distracted, to learn, to meet new people, to try something new. I was able to learn the importance of classes, of having a schedule set out to spend time with myself, doing something I love. Since I was young and in sports or music (which was just a tiny bit ago) I haven't done anything organized like this; I really enjoyed it and learnt that I need to be doing it more often.

Here are some pictures of me blowing glass and of some of my lovely masterpieces. The small ones are what I started off making. Most people would walk by those blobs of glass and not think twice, but I look at them and am able see how much effort and time goes into even the smallest piece of glass; they make me proud. The three vases are my favorite things that I made in class; I think they are so pretty. I noticed last night that although they were all done in different classes, I unintentionally used the same colors each time. I decided to look up the meaning of those colors and I found it very interesting. I read that dark orange is "the color of heat or darkness" and it "can mean deceit and distrust". Yellow on the other hand "is the color of sunshine" it also "produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness" and "indicates honor and loyalty". I liked that the only two colors I chose contradicted themselves and represented my inner wars (or some of the wars I am facing). Those colors swirled about my art in a battle of which would be the dominate one, and swirled about in myself of which would be the dominate reaction; I am happy to report that in both cases yellow won!

In my first blog about glassblowing I said I was excited to see what I would make and what it would mean to me. I really didn't think such a small piece of glass would be something that would mean this much; something that would teach me this many lessons. Now, when I look at my vases, and even my paperweights, they will mean more to me than I ever thought they would, more than I can put in words...at least in here.

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

2009-04-16T23:53:00.002-06:00

Its been a while since i've posted and although I have about a half a dozen blogs already written, I just cant seem to post them. Whether they are too personal, too touchy, too boring, or too me, I just haven't wanted to put them out there for everyone to divulge in. I've had a tough month. I've gone through lots of emotion, lots of growing, and LOTS of tears. Me...crying...I know?!? It has to be one of my new favorite things! I am not one of those overly emotional girls, I mean I am in a sense, but when it comes to big painful issues I hardly ever deal with them by crying.

This year was a big one! So, so many difficult situations in my life. Too much pain, too much death, too much change. I thought I was dealing with everything alright but I am realizing I wasn't even close. As always I would busy myself in everything and anything till eventually I got over that hump. Work, friends, hobbies, care-taking, the computer, and so many other outlets helped distract my mind from life. And with everything this year added up to be, I could almost count on my hands how many times I actually let go and cried.

I have gone through my fair share of life issues. Sometimes I curse my last twenty-five years and sometimes I feel blessed by them. One of the reasons I curse them though is because it made me live on the defense. Pain, for me, was not an option. It was too daunting, too big. So I dealt with it by getting angry, hurting myself, hurting others, ignoring it, drowning it out, using, laughing, pretending it wasn't there. No matter what form I found, actually working through issues and dealing with the pain was rarely a way of coping that I chose to use.

Whether it was my year, where I was at in my life, the long cold winter...whatever, I just seemed to be in a funk. On one level I completely knew it and on the other I really had no idea; I know it makes no sense! Anyway, this past month has brought even more change to my life and with the sun coming out every day (and the persistence of a certain someone that really seemed to open up my heart) I seem to be facing those hurdles in a totally new light. I have cried almost every day for a month straight! Sounds depressing hey? But its not! It has been one of the most healing experiences I've had...a detox of the soul if you will. I have cried for the ones I have lost, the loss of relationships, for myself, for my pain, for my years and years of missed-out tears.

Now dont get me wrong, Im not a blubbering mess 24/7. I am still out enjoying life. In this short month I have tried so many new things; I have met new people, I have fell in love with my work again, I have continued to express myself through art, I have made some awesome plans for the future, yada, yada. Life is treating me well, and I am treating me well, but part of that right now is cleansing myself with tears. Its almost like I put aside time every day to feel the cool, salty, moisture fall from my face and most importantly fall from my heart.

So many times you hear people say "just cry it out" and until now I have never understood the importance of it. Ive always felt strange or cold for not being one of those super sensitive girls but that isn't the case, its just I didn't know how to be OK with too much emotion, I wasn't comfortable in it. I am learning to love it though, learning to coach myself through a true healing process. So as the tears flow I am growing, I am opening a chapter of my life which is so gentle and vulnerable...so not me, but only this time it is me, and it is beautiful!

So next time you see me out-and-about and my eyes look a little extra puffy, dont feel bad or wonder if I am alright. See the beauty in my eyes...see the look of healing.

I know I can be colorful, I know I can be grey...

2009-04-03T23:49:00.005-06:00

Someone asked me today why I do what I do. More in terms of what I do for a career and volunteering. Lots of people don't agree with the work I am in, they question why I would sacrifice my time, salary, and my heart on problems that arnt mine. This person was not insinuating that at all but it did get me thinking. There are times when I too wonder why it is I am so drawn to the social development field, why I give more of me to others than I do to myself (which is a whole other issue). I think the way I look at it is: a carpenter is given the gift of his hands, an architect is given the gift of his eye, and I was given the gift of my heart. For me, it would be wasteful and unfulfilling to not use it, I love the work I do, the passion I bring, the lives I meet. It is one of the most rewarding paths I could imagine and I am so glad I landed myself here. Here's a poem (and song) that stirred me up a few years ago, I thought of it today as I was replying to this friend.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bretrand Russell

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." -- Sir James Matthew Barrie

2009-03-31T01:03:00.006-06:00

Tonight I was a trapeze artist! Now I am sure professional trapeze artists would highly disagree with that statement, but for me, for the night, I was most definitely the most beautiful trapeze artist that a circus ever did see!

I have been wanting to do trapeze for a long time now. That was one of my next adventures I had all planned out and although the original plan didn't work, the present plan was much more than I could have asked for in the first place. Stepping out of my shell and doing things on my own or meeting new people has been a fairly big struggle for me. While in Phoenix I told my brother-in-law about my circus training plan and he mentioned there was a trapeze place in town. I decided there was no use waiting for the summer back home and I signed my lonely little butt up for class tonight. I dont know why I get so nervous about being in new situations. Nine times out of ten I end up loving whatever it is I decided to do and meeting some great people along the way, and that is just what happened. Even in just this year I have started to see a lot of growth in myself regarding that area...Im proud.

It was such a great night and a really fun new experience. In no time I was climbing up the most narrow 30 foot ladder to make a jump I was completely unprepared for. It is hard to capture the feeling of your first jump, or even swinging through the air. It all goes by so fast. You are thinking of tucking your legs here, letting go there, or listening for your cue to begin your back flip (yes people I can back flip) and you cant allow your mind to think of how brilliant what your doing actually is. Maybe that is the fun of it though, your so lost in your thoughts that nothing else seeps into your mind. I was able to swing, flip around, tuck, and do a couple other tricks quite a number of times tonight and was even picked as one of the five people (out of seventeen) that were good enough to do a catch on their first class (I should mention that I was up against many children which could be why they didn't make the cut). My first try I missed, and we all know how well that goes over with me. Even in trapeze, I try to analyze it too much, I thought for a second too long and missed my cue, thankfully though they graciously allowed me to make one last attempt and I nailed it. Maybe not the most graceful catch youll see but I was so freakin proud of myself. I would most definitely do trapeze classes again, like I said it was a lot of fun, easier than I thought but still challenging in many different ways.

Only a few hours later my hands are callousing, my arms, abs, back, armpits, and shoulders are aching, and my knees and the back of my legs are bruising. I suppose even flying comes with a cost. I am really starting to learn (or accept) that certain dreams or ambitions really do come with a cost. The whole "the grass is greener on the other side" theory may indeed be very true. However the cost that came to the person who diligently worked on getting his grass so lusciously green was also very large. Whether it is just recreational activities like trapeze or greater goals like having a family, there will always be a cost. Sometimes that cost is just a small one but sometimes greater than you ever imagined your heart could bare. I want so-and-so's grass but I am thinking it will take a lot more work to get there, in the mean time, my grass (although a little patchy) is looking mighty fine to me!

Blowing glass like no ones business.....

2009-03-18T23:43:00.001-06:00

Glass blowing was sooo much better tonight. I went in not expecting too much out of myself and excepting I was new and wouldn't get it right away. To my lovely surprise I got the hang of it pretty quick this week. I gathered fairly well (a lot better than last week) and pleasantly surprised myself at what I was pulling off. Today we worked on blowing bubbles as well as making glasses. I am still working on size but I managed to get a shot type glass (the size was right in between a shot glass and a cup) and then a short cup. I was good with not having some huge glass and really proud of what I made. So far we haven't used color however next week we start on that as well as polishing and shaping so I am sure that will be a lot of fun too. Anyway, it was a really enjoyable class this week, not as stressful, not as many personal expectations, and more having fun. I only got a couple pictures but this is me at work as well as some of my class in the shop.

Loving TO...

2009-03-18T11:59:00.005-06:00

Well I am officially loving Toronto, in fact I cant believe I haven't discovered this city sooner. I got in a couple nights ago and took the sub for an hour to my couchsurfing hosts home. It was more of a community house, with four people living there and many people coming or going at all times of the day. Everyone that I met was so kind to me and most of them took their turns pointing me in the right direction or just chatting over coffee. Their house was a huge character home in the Annex area. The whole city is full of these old houses, homes that hadn't been torn down or "restored" to look like every other home on the block; like people, they had their own identity. I hope to one day live in a house like that, I want a real home with a story of its own just like me. My first evening I headed out for a while on my own, I went over to Bloor and found quite a bit of night life for the middle of the week. I was too tired to really do anything so I decided to grab a cup of coffee before heading to bed (I ended up sitting with a mentally ill, homeless woman who gave me some much needed company and many smiles throughout our conversation).

Yesterday I got up bright and early to do some wandering and grab a coffee. I ran into an older Jewish gentleman and he told me to hit up his old stomping grounds and go the Kensington Market. Ug, I loved it. Many different shops to brows in, wonderful friendly people wandering the area, and fresh bakeries and fruit stands everywhere. I stopped to grab a quick bite for breakfast and ran into my "old friend" Tessama. I asked if I could share her table and right away we were talking about life, not regular get-to-know-you chit-chat, but real life soul talks. Within minutes she had me crying, we shared some life pain - and growth, and she reminded me about the power of grace - the power of me - and what it meant to be true to my heart. I dreamt of her life while she dreamt of mine and we taught each other what we would do differently if we were in each others position; I will definitely be taking her up on some of her advice. Needless to say, after a wonderful breakfast I bid my friend goodbye and left feeling so much lighter. I headed over to OCAD to see some of their galleries and hoping I would catch one of their craft shows (it was a no go) there I ran into another guy Carlos. He and I started talking about India, and he got me so excited for my trip. He had a lot of really great advice but most of all just a passion. He travelled there a couple years ago, fell in love and stayed for the next two years. I cant wait to discover that little treasure in this world and I hope I love it as much as he does, at the very least I hope I am have as passionate about my journey as he was his.

I then headed over to Queens West. This is where the Much Music building is which was pretty cool to see since it was so popular when I was in junior high (case and point - electric circus), the pussycat dolls were doing a live performance which was slightly embarrassing so I just moved along. Queens is a great area however I had not prepared myself for loving the shopping so much! I will have to plan another trip for that as I had previously promised myself this trip was not about shopping and in true form I did not buy one piece of clothing. Instead I browsed the galleries for hours and was again taken back by the culture as well as the beautiful people. By this time I was starving and decided on settling for some Roti for lunch, a wonderful suggestion made by a friend before I left (however apparently he forgot to tell me the spicy disclaimer). I browsed around for a few more hours and ended up meeting up with Cliff, a couchsurfer that I met a couple years back when he was staying in Calgary. He was a life saver since I had just spilt my water in my purse and the water/dye of my purse managed to ruin my bag, ipod, jeans, and passport, so not only was I cranky but I was also exhausted from walking around all day. Anyway he drove me around for a while which gave me an awesome opportunity to rest and see a bit more of the city I wanted (Yorkville, Yonge Street, Chinatown, and the downtown area). I was exhausted by the time we were ready to part ways but grateful he came to meet me and very excited that my day had turned out so wonderful.

I learnt a few really important lessons from this trip. First being that God truly is in the most unexpected places and he is answering me, he just has a different form of doing so. Second that Calgary really is one of the most culturally deprived cities I have been too. Toronto has night life - every day of the week, it has art coming out of its ying-yang, they have one of those big screens hanging up downtown, they have posters pasted on the side of every building and wall, talented graffiti everywhere, music playing while you walk down the street, every kind of food under the sun - that actually tastes like a piece of their home. They have a subway system and adequate transit that runs the whole city long, street performers, worthy broadway shows, unlike Calgary it has buildings older than me, it has a stadium that artist want to play their music in, it has roots, it even has a bloody gay village (although if I was true to my redneck roots it would be just so "we" could get "them" out of "our" backyards). Anyway, my point is Toronto has life and each and every day I see more and more of that lacking in Calgary. The last thing I learnt is that I am on the right path. I had some sad moments yesterday, some times where I just kinda felt lonely. Without fail some random person was sent my way to keep me company and teach me some pretty powerful life lessons. I felt like God was just kinda saying "hold on girl, I got your hand, you just need to trust", so alas I am going to try that option. I am going to trust that I made the right decision and that God knows what he is doing - I still don't like His plan but I do accept (kinda) that it is His and I am only along for the ride.

Lord grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change....

2009-03-16T02:04:00.004-06:00

Life changes, you change, people change. Its hard to keep up lately to all the change. I was at my Grandfathers 75th birthday tonight and without knowing it my cousin pinpointed my issue (or one of many). Acceptance!!! There are times in my life where I just want to scream (and sometimes do) why me??? Why Again....let up would you! During my wee bit of time on earth I feel like an old soul who has experienced too much at times. The thing is I can take all those issues/problems/things and make them into life lessons, and I do. I learn, I move on, I forgive, I fight though and end up growing because of them, but at the end of the day I don't think I fully accept. I keep thinking things could have been different, they should have been different and I find myself off in a dream of how life would have been IF ONLY. So I suppose my next mission in life is acceptance. Huh wonder how Im gonna pull this one off, wish me luck....

My first glassblowing experience...

2009-03-13T00:29:00.003-06:00

For Christmas Tony bought me glassblowing classes at ACAD. I was so excited!! Not only was it something I have always wanted to do, it was also something I hadn't really talked about before and thus very thoughtful. I think I am going to make a list of my most favorite things in life. Thoughtful gifts or ideas will definitely have to be on the top.

Yesterday was my first night at class and it was much more different than I envisioned. One of the things I never even thought about was how HOT it would be. From what I can remember there are two crucibles , four furnaces and five annealing ovens all in a fairly small room; I was certain I would pass out within the first hour and I think I came pretty close. I even had to leave to splash cold water on myself because I was burning up, I walked out of there with a bit of a "tan" on my face. Rob says our bodies will adjust to the heat in time, Im not too sure of that.

Thankfully our instructor is a great guy and really about hands on learning so we were gathering and shaping glass within the first half hour. I suck at trying new things because I am way too competitive and quite frankly don't like doing anything Im not good at. Its a goal of mine to work on so these classes will definitely help cause so far Im really no good. Rob likened glassblowing to playing the guitar, anyone can pick up the instrument and strum but it wont sound good if you don't know what your doing and it takes A LOT of practice to get any good, even more to put the tunes you learn into a full song. Essentially the words I dread. I mean it makes sense, its the same with any form of art, I guess I just thought it would be a bit easier than it was.

Our first project was a paper weight, my initial reaction was "are you kidding me, arnt those like blobs of glass left over from some failed project". I was really wrong, do you know how freaking hard those are to make? I ended up making three, only one of which I kinda liked. There are so many levels to something that thick, Rob showed us how to make one and his looked like a friggin bowling ball, mine was maybe pushing the size of a golf ball. You do get the hang of it the more the class progresses so I am sure it is something I will pick up soon, in the mean time an attitude change may help. Next week we are blowing glass for our first time so I am sure it will be interesting to see how I do (ill try and take some pictures to post).

I love any kind of art really however unless it is something I have done or even tried, I can never fully appreciate every piece I see. Last night I learnt to really respect any type of glass work. It is so difficult to work with. The glass is like honey when it is hot but it hardens within seconds, you have a very small time period to be moulding and shaping your piece. The heat, the movements, letting go of imperfections, learning all the tools, it is all very new. I am sure I will get used to it and surely I will feel more comfortable after seven weeks but as of now it is bloody difficult.

Anyway, needless to say I am really loving the class. I have not been in a structured art class since I was about twelve (I am still so grateful my Mom was persistent with me as a kid to try lots of different art classes) so this is a old-new thing for me and I am excited to be learning. It has definitely inspired me to get into more classes and start pursuing different forms of art I am interested in rather than just poking along at them on my own. I am so excited to keep learning in this class and to make something really stupendously special to show off by the end. My house is fully of original pieces, some of which I have done, most done by others. I love them all. I love the randomness behind them, the work into every detail, the originality behind my crazy decorating, the stories behind everything I have made and even bought. These next seven weeks I will be creating a story behind my piece of glass (whatever it is I decide to make), I am curious as to what it will mean to me by the end and I am so excited to find out.

Some of my favs...

2009-03-07T00:18:00.007-07:00

Tonight I discovered Rachael Yamagata's most recent video and I love it! The lyrics are great but I really do just like the video as well; in fact I wish I was her for these four short minutes, I dont know why, its a pretty simple video but IRegardless I love it. This Racheal character seems to be a fairly constant background noise when I am out and about through my day, another great song of hers is The Reason Why; good ol' heart string songs oh how I love them.

I stumbled across a few more postsecrets recently that I added to my collection. Here are a few for you peruse, the top one is my blog profile pic, ive always just loved it.

Hoping that something special touches your heart today and makes you smile from the inside. If nothing has, pick up Ecclesiastes, I read it tonight and it did the trick for me.

The gift of life...

2009-03-01T02:11:00.001-07:00

After a lot of research and thought I finally decided to follow through with becoming a bone marrow donor. I have finished all the paper work and signed up on the national registry, I am now I am just waiting to receive my mouth swab to be tested and put on the Marrow Network. There are thirteen countries in the world that use the onematch program, as a donor if you are lucky enough to be compatible with a patient you agree to follow through with the procedure and after multiple physicals and tests you start preparing to give while the patient begins chemotherapy. Unfortunately once the patient begins treatment it is not yet illegal for donors to back out which means if you do decide you are no longer comfortable with the idea, you also decide to end that patients life; I cant believe that is legal...very dumbfounding! As a donor it is a relatively simple process. They say it takes about 40 to 46 hours over four to six weeks to do all the pre-testing and then it is an hour surgery under anesthetic where they are actually extracting your marrow. They make anywhere from one to ten incisions above the pelvic bone and use hallow needles with syringes attached to draw out the marrow. Apparently the side effects are much smaller than I expected. You typically stay in the hospital for one night and are given Tylenol to relieve the discomfort (and if it is only Tylenol they are handing out you can pretty much guarantee it really isn't that bad), there are minimal risks to the surgery and all of them seem to become very minuet when you think about the joy of the gift you are giving.

Now the trick is finding a patient that I am compatible with. On the blood services website they say as a Caucasian I have a 1 in 10 000 chance of finding someone I can donate too however depending on what site of statistics I look at it can range past 1 in 20 000. I was so excited when I finally made the decision to go ahead with this, but truthfully it breaks my heart that I may never be compatible with someone. I would hate if I was not a match for anyone. I hope and pray that I will be a perfect suit for someone out there who has desperately been trying to find a match for themselves or a family member. During my research I came across many videos and articles written by family members who have received marrow. It was so heartwarming to hear their stories, to know that one person was able to save their life, to give them a gift of growing old and experiencing the world. How amazing!

So I guess your good vibes and prayers would be appreciated as I prepare join the Marrow Network. I really hope that I am able to be a match for one person out there...even the possibility makes me smile! Oh and feel free to join yourself...you too may just give the beautiful gift of giving someone else an opportunity at a second chance!

It don't matter to the sun...

2009-02-25T11:42:00.002-07:00

Another life passed on this week, another person defeated by Cancer. That big scary word that seems to be such an epidemic in our world. Another family mourns while we go about our lives without skipping a beat. Two children will never have their Mom watch them get married, they will not proudly put together their parents slideshow for their twenty fifth wedding anniversary, they will watch their father crawl into a lonely bed at the end of every night, they will carry an endless ache on their hearts. Life really is unfair.

The concept of death is all consuming to me. True finality. I have learnt that death however tragic it is bares little to no weight on those in our lives. Yes they are sorry for you, yes many would do what they could to ease your pain, but really it doesn't matter much, you become another prayer request on their list and soon enough they forget to keep praying. However unhinged is sounds, I often sing in my head "it don't matter to the sun" when I think of a loved one that passed. The reality is, it really doesn't. Your world, your heart, your endless ache matters to you, at times it consumes you, you wonder how the rest of the world has kept pace, how they aren't deeply affected by the lose of a life they should have known. But your lose (whatever it is) doesn't stop the world from turning, it doesn't make people weep the tears or carry the burden you know they would if only they had the chance.

Death seems to make me want to learn about each and every unique person on this planet. God has a plan for every life, every soul he creates, it seems unfair to let the beauty of His work pass by. I want to get to know more people. I want to learn about them and pick into their hearts. I went to a small group last night (for my first time) and it made me see how many wonderful people I am missing out on. I've always said quality over quantity but I am starting to change my tune, just a bit anyway. Yes I want to treasure my good friends and make more time for them in my life, but I want to meet other people, experience their world. I want to mourn the loses they face in their lives. I want to hear the desires of their hearts and grieve the lose they face.

I want to mourn for every being. For every lose, every heartache, every tragedy the has struck the lives of six billion plus people. It is time to cry.

Deep Kiya Roots

2009-02-14T17:38:00.002-07:00

As life goes-on every day seems to carry a new meaning. The birth of a family member, the loss of a loved one, the celebration of an anniversary, or the marking of ones change. Year by year my calendar grows in days to remember, days to grieve, days to celebrate. February 14th has been a day that is celebrated around the world. It is recognized as Valentines Day and although each country or culture has a different meaning behind the title, the underlining theme has consistently been love. I have grown up with the concept of Valentines Day for twenty five years now however this year it means so much more.

Today is the day my niece Kiya was due to be born। As an Auntie I had many months to look forward to this day। The anticipation of a call which led me racing to the hospital, the first glance of my niece as I counted each and every one of her fingers and toes, the tears of joy as I held her for the first time, the shear happiness as I watched Tiffany beaming as a new Mom, the endless pictures...the endless memories.

I have spent a bit of time lately obsessing over what Valentines Day really is and what it means to who। I found one meaning from Slovenia (where much of Kiya's heritage lays) explaining that their St. Valentine brings "the key of roots". It is the day where "plants and flowers start to grow" and it is the day they celebrate life. I like this....It rings so true for little miss Kiya Jade. Valentines Day, Kiya's real birth day, a day which resembles the key to roots...it is beautiful. Although there are so many would-have-been, should-have-been's today, this meaning has helped me find my own significance in Valentines Day. Today has given me roots, little Kiya roots...deep Kiya roots. Roots that will forever be a part of me, one's that will be a part of my children and my family to come. I want plants and flowers to start growing in my heart today, divine ones which match Kiya's beauty, and share her same scent, where their roots will grow deep inside me and solidify my memories. The dictionary defines roots as "a part of the body of a plant that develops, typically, from the radicle and grows downward into the soil, anchoring the plant and absorbing nutriment and moisture". That is what Valentines Day and Kiya's Day mean to me. I am anchored in my Kiya roots and through them I will absorb the nutrients I need, nutrients that will feed my heart, nourish my spirt, and heal my soul.

Girl you are rich even with nothing...

2009-02-10T13:52:00.003-07:00

As predicted, the journey since coming home has not been the easiest. There are definitely some stressors going on in my world and I feel myself fighting soulfully to not fade back to the familiar. Thankfully though I have found myself feeling those situations and the emotions surrounding them. I've collected a few tears and have been refreshed by their touch. Today I put in an old CD where I stumbled across a heart song that made me smile. I thought I would share with you the music that lifted my spirits and reminded me who I truly am.

Cam, I am thinking about you a little extra today bud. You are missed...Peace.

Celebrating Life

2009-02-08T02:58:00.014-07:00

Jenelle: "Why hello Fine Sir, how was your evening and what did you do with it?"

Fine Sir: "Oh it was alright, I didn't do much of anything, how about yourself?"

Jenelle: "Me? I just walked on fire...no big deal"

After months of searching and trying to put it together, I was finally able to participate in a fire walk and what an experience it was. It was a four and a half hour evening where I was given the opportunity to stretch my mind and further my horizons, meet some beautiful new people, and push my body to unfamiliar limits. It was definitely an adventure to remember.

We started the evening by drawing our fears on a board and discussing them with our group members. Being vulnerable was a goal of mine this year and I was able to dive into this activity with minimal reservations. After discussing them with the group we placed our boards on cinder blocks and punched through them (surprisingly when I put my mind to it, I broke my board on my first try...I was awfully proud). After breaking our boards (a symbol of breaking through past our fears) we threw them into the fire to turn into coal which we would soon walk across (a representation for walking through and above our fears). One of my posted pictures is of my fears being burnt. On it I drew a loooong road (because it seems as though my road is never ending), a question mark (to represent the unknown in my life), myself (I believe at times I am my number one enemy), money (many of my dreams and goals will need a whole lotta dolla bills to achieve them), a clock (as much as I would like to deny it, my clock is ticking and sometimes time itself feels like my biggest adversary), an eye (for the way I am seen and not necessarily for who I truly am), a group of people (representing the toxic people who are in my life either by choice or indirectly), and bacteria (representing my own health and the health of my family which has been a bit paralyzing to me lately). This activity was so fitting for where I am at in my life. I am trying to face my fears and make some changes and I am finally starting to feel very light and accomplished in it...it was healing to watch my fears, my bars, burn.

Next we did an angel walk which I was very uncomfortable with at first but once it was done it felt wonderful. We lined up in two adjacent lines (there was about 25 of us in total) and one by one we would walk in between the two lines and everyone would touch the person in the middle. It was difficult for me to touch other people, to know the right place to touch, to not make them uncomfortable, to be that sense of touch that made someone feel special...it was really hard for me. But when I walked down the line it felt very powerful. I did not think I could receive touch like that from strangers but it felt amazing. Someone holding my hand, rubbing my shoulders, messing up my hair, touching my face. I am laughing even as I write this because I know it sounds so odd, and it was, but it was also incredible. I could feel that calmness and peace in everyones touch, I could sense their good intentions, I felt comfort from their touch, I felt special. Definitely a highlight of my evening and probably the most difficult part of the whole night for me.

Following the angel walk we did arrow breaking. This is where you take a 27 inch long wooden arrow and place it in the sternal notch of your throat while another person puts the feather end against their hand. You push as hard as you can with your throat against the arrow until the arrow snaps. That was crazy. They nonchalantly passed out arrows and let us know we would be breaking them with our throats...not the most comforting thought. However, once again I faced my fears and trusted...yup I trusted that I would be fine. I snapped my arrow without a problem and although I have a little mark to show where the pressure gathered on my throat, I like it. I have found myself looking at it a few times in the mirror, smiling at how proud I am for having the courage to break my arrow.

Fire: friend or foe? After about three hours the fire had finally burnt down to red ambers and it was ready for us to walk across it. We had prepared our minds quite a bit during those few hours so rather than being fearful I was actually quite excited. This for me was a simple mind over matter situation (or as Brian referred to it "mind in matter") and I knew I was ready. My first walk was a touch nerve wrecking. I did not think about it much and I really dont remember it (the picture I have posted is with a flash so you cant see the color or how hot the coals actually are, the picture of just the bed of amber is actually what it looked like without the flash on...quite intimidating). The only part I do remember was someone yelling "celebrate life" as I crossed the fire and another person congratulating me with a hug when I was done. It was a memory moment for sure. I walked about four times back and forth throughout the night and it was a different experience every time. Whether it was me being indimiaded, excited, over confident (and the funny thing was as soon as I got out of mind and focused on how good I was and how easy it was, was the only time the fire got too hot and I got burnt), or just really happy, each walk was different.

It was not what I expected or worked it up to be in my mind. It actually wasn't about the fire at all, the evening turned my thought process and made my walk about me, my mind, and my heart. I am so excited I was able to experience this. I am glad I am pushing myself further this year to try new things and strengthen my character. What I did realize this evening was that I am every bit as powerful as I think I am, even in my darkest moments when I doubt myself or my heart the most.

It aint no thang....

2009-02-05T23:44:00.011-07:00

So after multiple doctors appointments over the past year about a bump in my eye I finally got it removed! I had a very tiny little bump on my eyelid that would drive me crazy so I went to my family doctor a few times but no matter what he gave me nothing helped (hot compresses, antibiotics, drops, etc.). Finally he sent me to a specialist who I went to go see yesterday. He was going to treat me for scar tissue from a sty but when I told him I dont get sty's it kinda got him thinking. My bump has never bothered me or hurt, it never itched, changed size, got red or swollen. Hum, he was stumped on this one. After looking through my files he left and came back right away with a few other doctors and said they were going to do an emergency minor surgery and remove it to get tested. Wow, wasn't expecting that one. They froze my eye, flipped my eyelid inside out so there will be no scaring and scraped away (yummmm). Thankfully the bump was REALLY small so I am sure it is nothing. My eye however is REALLY huge now and Im looking like a mess. I thought you may enjoy a few giggles over my messy little face. I sure hope this isn't permanent!

“Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.” -C.D.

2009-02-04T00:41:00.002-07:00

Sometimes I am unsure of the reason but I have never felt like I have had a home. I have never had my heart pull me to one place over the other. Whether it was me leaving for camp as a child or moving to a new place on my own, I always knew I wanted to go back to my family but never thought of it as home. I never lived where my parents grew up but throughout my life I have felt more at home there than anywhere else. For whatever reason I couldn't find home no matter how hard I tried.

I find it sad to think that I have grown for twenty-five years, I have made memories, I have had my heart broken, I have experienced life and yet never felt at home. I clearly remember my Dad teaching me to ride my bike down my childhood street, falling again and again, running home to tell my Mom that Dad let me fall and having her clean up and kiss my cuts and bruises...that should be home. I remember waking up Christmas morning to my very own big-girl bike and a go-go puppy in the very same year and screaming with sheer joy at the unexpectedness of it...that should be home. I remember pulling out of my parents driveway in my new car and hearing them yell at me to drive safe and buckle up, proudly smiling big for all the pictures...that should be home. I remember my fathers tears as he dropped me off at treatment and my parents worried faces as I arrived back, without any questions I was welcomed back to sleep, to stay, to heal...that should be home.

After all these years of searching, after all the memories I have collected along my road, I believe I have finally found home. As I flew back to Calgary the other day I felt a rush of tears and joy flood my soul as the airplane landed me safely back, I searched out the window wondering what my heart was feeling and it was then that I realized I was looking at my home. I am unsure of why it took so long to get here but I have arrived. I have thought about this a lot these past few days. I have wondered if it is because my heart didn't allow me to fall in love with a home for fear I would one day lose it, or if it was because I never lived somewhere where I really wanted to be. I wonder if it was me being angry for all these years having to leave behind my life as a kid and move to a new town only to start all over. But after a lot of reflecting I have realized it is because I have never quite felt at home in my heart. I have never searched long enough for me or felt content enough with where I was at either emotionally or spiritually or actually allow myself to rest somewhere physically. As cliche as it sounds home really is where the heart is and for the first time in my life I have found it. I am home and I am thrilled to be here.

Mexican Memories...

2009-01-29T23:45:00.004-07:00

So I am almost home from my trip and I am loving the memories I have made this past week. Tiffany and I decided to escape for a week and leave for Mexico to clear our hearts, and have some fun. Traveling more was a goal of mine for ‘09 and I figured even if I wasn’t going far, going away was good enough for me. Cabo San Lucas was our destination and I am so glad we decided to take a week out of our lives to go away to enjoy ourselves.

Our trip to Cabo was so much fun. We packed a lot of adventure into a short period of time and got to do everything we had wanted. Our first day was amazing; relaxing on the beach, soaking up the sun, and to top it off getting a massage in the sand. I could not have designed it better, it was a wonderful way to start a week and a great sign of what was going to lie ahead. Throughout the rest of the week Tiffany and I became addicted to bartering at the markets (it has to be one of my all time favorite things to do), sleeping on the beach, trying out foreign tastes, meeting new people, and soothing our souls.

One of our bigger adventures was renting a car and touring the coast to see some of the other places we were hoping to visit. Starting in Cabo we headed up to Todos Santos where Tiff spotted a beautiful secluded beach right before we hit the town. As soon as we stepped on the sand we were as giddy as children. It was one of the most magnificent landscapes I have ever seen. I hope to have that moment forever etched in my mind. There was not a footprint in sight for miles and miles, we were all alone to soak up the beauty of "Gods incredible imagination". The water was rough and the air had a mild chill to it but the overall picture was incredible - it paralleled greatly to my life, or at least how I see it. As much as I loved it I was not fully enjoying it and Tiffany being the angel she is and knowing my heart the way she does pulled me into the water to splash and have FUN...to laugh. There are places in the world that speak to you and that happened to be a place for me; it told me I will be alright and reassured me that I am growing so beautifully. When we left there we headed to the town of Todos Santos, famous for the Eagles Hotel California and being dubbed the "magical town of art". We wandered the galleries and had lunch then kept going to La Paz. There we headed to a beach called Balandra (on the Sea of Cortez) and once again my breath was taken away. It was incredible, the water was turquoise blue and there were mountains surrounding us. Unfortunately it was very windy and much colder than the Pacific Ocean side. Our hearts were still at the first beach so rather than continuing over to San Jose we turned around to watch the sunset and fill our hearts with one more memory.

Another amazing day was visiting Lovers Island and Divorce beach; one of the few places in the world where two oceans meet. There is a beach connecting the two oceans, there are rocks covered in seals squealing away, and colorful fish swimming all around. We found a current where the two oceans collide and it was so powerful, I found it fascinating. Our last day in Cabo was my sisters birthday. We celebrated. I have been with my sister for almost every single birthday. Mom’s conventions were typically during Tiff’s birthday so my parents would be out of town and Tiffany and I would celebrate together. Although it is her day, it is a special day for me as well. It floods my mind with memories of her growing up and the celebrations we had together, usually just the two of us. It was so special for me to be with her again this year. I was so proud of her for making her day a day to relax and have fun. I know her heart was heavy, all it took at times was looking at here from across the beach to know the birthday wish she was dreaming about, but she did it, she pulled though her first birthday as a Mom in a graceful yet powerful way. We started the day with a few gifts and then headed out on our snorkeling tour and whale watch. It was such a fun afternoon. The whales was all encompassing for me. I found them absolutely captivating. Although I have seen whales many times before, it was the first time that I had ever taken the time to think about the magnitude of there size or the size of the ocean for that matter. Our snorkeling was a blast, aside from the bread the tour guides were throwing at us so that the seagulls would swarm all around us, including on our heads. It is true that some memories are ingrained in your mind forever because although snorkeling was good, it did not even compare to snorkeling as a child with my Dad and sister in Hawaii. When we got back on the boat the birthday celebration began and although my sister isnt known to throw back the tour guides were not taking no for an answer. For the rest of the afternoon we hit up the markets, went for a delicious seafood dinner, and had our first and only night at the clubs (and yes I even danced). It was a fabulous way to end our holiday and a precious twenty-four hours that lifted my heart.

I am so happy that I decided to take this trip. It is amazing how much growing can be done in a matter of one week. It is equally amazing to find out that you can love someone so much deeper after loving them already for twenty-three years. I found a renewed passion and I am excited to get back home to work on it. I felt my heart lift and I am so indebted that God choose now to help me along with that gift. I felt relaxed, re-energized, and really and truly enjoyed myself...it was wonderful.

If I could take away one thing from Mexico it would be that I am blessed. I am blessed to live in a country that is beautiful, clean, and safe. I am blessed to have clean water. I am blessed to have the ability to pick up and travel essentially whenever I want. I am grateful that I have the gift to choose my life path and my career based on what my heart desires. I am blessed to have a supportive family - to have two parents and two sisters that are my greatest gift from above. I am just blessed period.

Children really are God's greatest gift...

2009-01-18T01:53:00.002-07:00

I have discovered that I have many wishes...too many wishes. I always thought (or maybe tried to convince myself) that I was content with whatever my life held at that particular time, apparently this is not the case. Ever since I was young I had a fantasy that I would find my mysterious genie who would miraculously grant me three wishes (and an extra one just because I was so special). I would spend hours on end pondering what my wishes would be...the ability to read minds, to travel anywhere at the snap of my fingers, to save the world...I was a dreamer. I now think one of my wishes would be being happy; twenty four hours-a-day sincerely happy.

This weekend I had Conner and Carter for a few days and as always it was so much fun. On Saturday night I took the kids bowling and had a great time teaching them to bowl, being goofy, and laughing our little hearts out. The games were a touch slow but I was so proud of both of them for not wanting to use the bumpers at all. Besides, its like Conner said, "we did better than nothing". When we got home I tucked the boys into bed, a few hours later I heard some noise coming from their bedroom and went in to check on them. My heart melted. Conner was fast asleep laughing his little heart away. He was telling stories, singing, and laughing a deep soulful laugh that brings joy to my heart. I caught a bit of this episode on video (and unfortunately cut it short when I got greedy and turned on the closet light), the first 16 seconds or so is of nothing and it is completely dark so you cant see anything but you really don't need too when this is what you hear...

My wish is to be this happy. To hold my stomach laughing even while Im fast asleep. I am eternally thankful to experience moments like this when I see how happy my bugs are. I am so grateful their hearts sing with joy.

Farewell 2008, Welcome 2009!

2009-01-09T14:35:00.003-07:00

I am officially bidding goodbye to 2008. At the beginning of the year I would have never imagined my year would have turned out the way it had. I was still mourning the loss of my Aunt when I soon lost her Mother, my Grandmother, in only a few short weeks to cancer. I had to face another hard reality when I heard Dad and Cancer in the same sentence yet again. I also lost a perfect little niece after just a few short weeks of life...once again to cancer. I felt as though, one more loss, one step in the wrong direction was just going to make my heart explode into million pieces. I hope to never relive 2008 however I hope to never forget the blessings that came with it as well....

However difficult my past year has been, I cannot forget the good. Yes my Grandma passed away, however I was given the gift of "goodbye" with her; a treasure that most people are not lucky enough to receive. I saw my Grandmother completely different in those last few weeks; her wisdom poured out of her like a gift she knew I was so eagerly waiting to open. She shared stories, memories, taught me unforgettable life lessons, loved me like only a Grandma can, and taught me to laugh until the very end. Yes my father got cancer, but he also survived cancer, he fought cancer, his spirit was changed by cancer. His cancer reminded me how much I love each and every one of my family members and how blessed I am to have them. I was reminded that my Dad, my childhood hero was still and always will be that big, strong, man that I have forever looked up too. And although I also lost my niece last year, I gained her as well. I thank God I was able to meet that little angel and spend the time with her that I was blessed with. I am so thankful that she was so special to Jesus that He wanted us to meet her as well. I can just imagine how proud He was when Kiya was created, I see Him as a giddy child that just couldn't keep that little bundle of love all to himself, I am eternally gratefully that He blessed me with the gift of my niece who I will have to forever treasure in my heart.

2008 allowed me to search for myself more and fall even deeper in love with me. I took time off to enjoy myself and my life again, my sister Christa gave birth to my first nephew Maverick, I was swept off my feet and wrapped in love by an amazing man, I went on five different adventures around the world, I moved into a new house and began to make it my home, I fell in love with art again which reignited passion within myself. I had been blessed and I am thankful that God was gracious enough to give me the gifts that made me smile when I look back on my year.

I am eagerly welcoming 2009 for so many reasons. I am turning over a new leaf. This year I will smile more, I will enjoy myself and my world to a greater degree, I will challenge myself to new adventures, I will show more people my art, I will step out of my boundaries, I will try something new, I will be vulnerable, I will spend more time with God, I will relax, I will taste something foreign, I will set goals and keep them, I will be more positive, I will shave my legs more often, I will chip down my wall, I will meet new people, I will love deeper, I will work on freeing myself of my past, I will laugh more often. I will....

This blog is an opportunity for me to journal my adventures of 2009. I will share my ups (and possibly even my downs), I will log where I go, what new opportunities I arrive upon, and what makes my soul sing. Enjoy!