Orange vs. Yellow

Last night was my final evening of glassblowing and it was great!  Glassblowing has always been an art form that I have wanted to try and I am so glad I did.  One of my favorite parts of glassblowing however, was realizing I am not a glassblower nor am I interested in becoming one.  The last evening of our two months of classes was supposed to be spent mastering the art and creating your final big project.  All week I thought about what I would create, what my final piece would turn into, but when I got there I really didn't care; not in an apathetic way, I just wasn't interested in making anything else.  I was satisfied, completely content with what I had already made and I wanted to focus on those items instead.  Typically I would have gone to class and blown glass from the beginning to end, not missing out on one minute to ensure that I created the best piece ever and made the most of my time.  But throughout this process I have realized that glassblowing isn't my thing and I don't need to make it that way.  It is really difficult, seriously too hot, and not something I am able to go home and practice on my own.  I knew within the first few weeks that I wouldn't be going any further in it.  Now typically I am a very competitive person and this response just wouldn't have sat well, but for some reason something was different this time.  I was fully willing to accept that glassblowing was not my forte and I didn't need to stress myself out trying to make it that way.  I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, but either way it was a pretty neat discovery for me.

Now don't get me wrong, although I am not becoming a professional glassblower any time soon, I still enjoyed each and every class I had.  Week after week I challenged myself and learnt something new.  I focused my mind on art for a minimum of four hours every week, which is great habit to get into and something I really need to do more.  Most of all I had set aside time each and every week just for me.  It gave me an opportunity to clear my mind, to think things through, to be distracted, to learn, to meet new people, to try something new.  I was able to learn the importance of classes, of having a schedule set out to spend time with myself, doing something I love.  Since I was young and in sports or music (which was just a tiny bit ago) I haven't done anything organized like this; I really enjoyed it and learnt that I need to be doing it more often.

Here are some pictures of me blowing glass and of some of my lovely masterpieces.  The small ones are what I started off making.  Most people would walk by those blobs of glass and not think twice, but I look at them and am able see how much effort and time goes into even the smallest piece of glass; they make me proud.  The three vases are my favorite things that I made in class; I think they are so pretty.  I noticed last night that although they were all done in different classes, I unintentionally used the same colors each time.  I decided to look up the meaning of those colors and I found it very interesting.  I read that dark orange is "the color of heat or darkness" and it "can mean deceit and distrust".  Yellow on the other hand "is the color of sunshine" it also "produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness" and "indicates honor and loyalty".  I liked that the only two colors I chose contradicted themselves and represented my inner wars (or some of the wars I am facing).  Those colors swirled about my art in a battle of which would be the dominate one, and swirled about in myself of which would be the dominate reaction; I am happy to report that in both cases yellow won!

In my first blog about glassblowing I said I was excited to see what I would make and what it would mean to me.  I really didn't think such a small piece of glass would be something that would mean this much; something that would teach me this many lessons.  Now, when I look at my vases, and even my paperweights, they will mean more to me than I ever thought they would, more than I can put in words...at least in here.  

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

Its been a while since i've posted and although I have about a half a dozen blogs already written, I just cant seem to post them.  Whether they are too personal, too touchy, too boring, or too me, I just haven't wanted to put them out there for everyone to divulge in.  I've had a tough month.  I've gone through lots of emotion, lots of growing, and LOTS of tears.  Me...crying...I know?!?  It has to be one of my new favorite things!  I am not one of those overly emotional girls, I mean I am in a sense, but when it comes to big painful issues I hardly ever deal with them by crying.  

This year was a big one!  So, so many difficult situations in my life.  Too much pain, too much death, too much change.  I thought I was dealing with everything alright but I am realizing I wasn't even close.  As always I would busy myself in everything and anything till eventually I got over that hump.  Work, friends, hobbies, care-taking, the computer, and so many other outlets helped distract my mind from life.  And with everything this year added up to be, I could almost count on my hands how many times I actually let go and cried.  

I have gone through my fair share of life issues.  Sometimes I curse my last twenty-five years and sometimes I feel blessed by them.  One of the reasons I curse them though is because it made me live on the defense.  Pain, for me, was not an option.  It was too daunting, too big.  So I dealt with it by getting angry, hurting myself, hurting others, ignoring it, drowning it out, using, laughing, pretending it wasn't there.  No matter what form I found, actually working through issues and dealing with the pain was rarely a way of coping that I chose to use.  

Whether it was my year, where I was at in my life, the long cold winter...whatever, I just seemed to be in a funk.  On one level I completely knew it and on the other I really had no idea; I know it makes no sense!  Anyway, this past month has brought even more change to my life and with the sun coming out every day (and the persistence of a certain someone that really seemed to open up my heart) I seem to be facing those hurdles in a totally new light.  I have cried almost every day for a month straight!  Sounds depressing hey?  But its not!  It has been one of the most healing experiences I've had...a detox of the soul if you will.  I have cried for the ones I have lost, the loss of relationships, for myself, for my pain, for my years and years of missed-out tears.  

Now dont get me wrong, Im not a blubbering mess 24/7.  I am still out enjoying life.  In this short month I have tried so many new things; I have met new people, I have fell in love with my work again, I have continued to express myself through art, I have made some awesome plans for the future, yada, yada.  Life is treating me well, and I am treating me well, but part of that right now is cleansing myself with tears.  Its almost like I put aside time every day to feel the cool, salty, moisture fall from my face and most importantly fall from my heart.

So many times you hear people say "just cry it out" and until now I have never understood the importance of it.  Ive always felt strange or cold for not being one of those super sensitive girls but that isn't the case, its just I didn't know how to be OK with too much emotion, I wasn't comfortable in it.  I am learning to love it though, learning to coach myself through a true healing process.  So as the tears flow I am growing, I am opening a chapter of my life which is so gentle and vulnerable...so not me, but only this time it is me, and it is beautiful!  

So next time you see me out-and-about and my eyes look a little extra puffy, dont feel bad or wonder if I am alright.  See the beauty in my eyes...see the look of healing.

I know I can be colorful, I know I can be grey...

Someone asked me today why I do what I do.  More in terms of what I do for a career and volunteering.  Lots of people don't agree with the work I am in, they question why I would sacrifice my time, salary, and my heart on problems that arnt mine.  This person was not insinuating that at all but it did get me thinking.  There are times when I too wonder why it is I am so drawn to the social development field, why I give more of me to others than I do to myself (which is a whole other issue).  I think the way I look at it is: a carpenter is given the gift of his hands, an architect is given the gift of his eye, and I was given the gift of my heart.  For me, it would be wasteful and unfulfilling to not use it, I love the work I do, the passion I bring, the lives I meet.  It is one of the most rewarding paths I could imagine and I am so glad I landed myself here.  Here's a poem (and song) that stirred me up a few years ago, I thought of it today as I was replying to this friend.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bretrand Russell

"The reason birds can fly and we can't is simply that they have perfect faith, for to have faith is to have wings." -- Sir James Matthew Barrie

Tonight I was a trapeze artist!  Now I am sure professional trapeze artists would highly disagree with that statement, but for me, for the night, I was most definitely the most beautiful trapeze artist that a circus ever did see!

I have been wanting to do trapeze for a long time now.  That was one of my next adventures I had all planned out and although the original plan didn't work, the present plan was much more than I could have asked for in the first place.  Stepping out of my shell and doing things on my own or meeting new people has been a fairly big struggle for me.  While in Phoenix I told my brother-in-law about my circus training plan and he mentioned there was a trapeze place in town.  I decided there was no use waiting for the summer back home and I signed my lonely little butt up for class tonight. I dont know why I get so nervous about being in new situations.  Nine times out of ten I end up loving whatever it is I decided to do and meeting some great people along the way, and that is just what happened.  Even in just this year I have started to see a lot of growth in myself regarding that area...Im proud.

It was such a great night and a really fun new experience.  In no time I was climbing up the most narrow 30 foot ladder to make a jump I was completely unprepared for.  It is hard to capture the feeling of your first jump, or even swinging through the air.  It all goes by so fast.  You are thinking of tucking your legs here, letting go there, or listening for your cue to begin your back flip (yes people I can back flip) and you cant allow your mind to think of how brilliant what your doing actually is.  Maybe that is the fun of it though, your so lost in your thoughts that nothing else seeps into your mind.  I was able to swing, flip around, tuck, and do a couple other tricks quite a number of times tonight and was even picked as one of the five people (out of seventeen) that were good enough to do a catch on their first class (I should mention that I was up against many children which could be why they didn't make the cut).  My first try I missed, and we all know how well that goes over with me.  Even in trapeze, I try to analyze it too much, I thought for a second too long and missed my cue, thankfully though they graciously allowed me to make one last attempt and I nailed it.  Maybe not the most graceful catch youll see but I was so freakin proud of myself.  I would most definitely do trapeze classes again, like I said it was a lot of fun, easier than I thought but still challenging in many different ways.  

Only a few hours later my hands are callousing, my arms, abs, back, armpits, and shoulders are aching, and my knees and the back of my legs are bruising.  I suppose even flying comes with a cost.  I am really starting to learn (or accept) that certain dreams or ambitions really do come with a cost.  The whole "the grass is greener on the other side" theory may indeed be very true.  However the cost that came to the person who diligently worked on getting his grass so lusciously green was also very large.  Whether it is just recreational activities like trapeze or greater goals like having a family, there will always be a cost.  Sometimes that cost is just a small one but sometimes greater than you ever imagined your heart could bare.  I want so-and-so's grass but I am thinking it will take a lot more work to get there, in the mean time, my grass (although a little patchy) is looking mighty fine to me!

Blowing glass like no ones business.....

Glass blowing was sooo much better tonight.  I went in not expecting too much out of myself and excepting I was new and wouldn't get it right away.  To my lovely surprise I got the hang of it pretty quick this week.  I gathered fairly well (a lot better than last week) and pleasantly surprised myself at what I was pulling off.  Today we worked on blowing bubbles as well as making glasses.  I am still working on size but I managed to get a shot type glass (the size was right in between a shot glass and a cup) and then a short cup.  I was good with not having some huge glass and really proud of what I made.  So far we haven't used color however next week we start on that as well as polishing and shaping so I am sure that will be a lot of fun too.  Anyway, it was a really enjoyable class this week, not as stressful, not as many personal expectations, and more having fun.  I only got a couple pictures but this is me at work as well as some of my class in the shop.

Loving TO...

Well I am officially loving Toronto, in fact I cant believe I haven't discovered this city sooner. I got in a couple nights ago and took the sub for an hour to my couchsurfing hosts home. It was more of a community house, with four people living there and many people coming or going at all times of the day. Everyone that I met was so kind to me and most of them took their turns pointing me in the right direction or just chatting over coffee. Their house was a huge character home in the Annex area. The whole city is full of these old houses, homes that hadn't been torn down or "restored" to look like every other home on the block; like people, they had their own identity. I hope to one day live in a house like that, I want a real home with a story of its own just like me. My first evening I headed out for a while on my own, I went over to Bloor and found quite a bit of night life for the middle of the week. I was too tired to really do anything so I decided to grab a cup of coffee before heading to bed (I ended up sitting with a mentally ill, homeless woman who gave me some much needed company and many smiles throughout our conversation).

Yesterday I got up bright and early to do some wandering and grab a coffee. I ran into an older Jewish gentleman and he told me to hit up his old stomping grounds and go the Kensington Market. Ug, I loved it. Many different shops to brows in, wonderful friendly people wandering the area, and fresh bakeries and fruit stands everywhere. I stopped to grab a quick bite for breakfast and ran into my "old friend" Tessama. I asked if I could share her table and right away we were talking about life, not regular get-to-know-you chit-chat, but real life soul talks. Within minutes she had me crying, we shared some life pain - and growth, and she reminded me about the power of grace - the power of me - and what it meant to be true to my heart. I dreamt of her life while she dreamt of mine and we taught each other what we would do differently if we were in each others position; I will definitely be taking her up on some of her advice. Needless to say, after a wonderful breakfast I bid my friend goodbye and left feeling so much lighter. I headed over to OCAD to see some of their galleries and hoping I would catch one of their craft shows (it was a no go) there I ran into another guy Carlos. He and I started talking about India, and he got me so excited for my trip. He had a lot of really great advice but most of all just a passion. He travelled there a couple years ago, fell in love and stayed for the next two years. I cant wait to discover that little treasure in this world and I hope I love it as much as he does, at the very least I hope I am have as passionate about my journey as he was his.

I then headed over to Queens West. This is where the Much Music building is which was pretty cool to see since it was so popular when I was in junior high (case and point - electric circus), the pussycat dolls were doing a live performance which was slightly embarrassing so I just moved along. Queens is a great area however I had not prepared myself for loving the shopping so much! I will have to plan another trip for that as I had previously promised myself this trip was not about shopping and in true form I did not buy one piece of clothing. Instead I browsed the galleries for hours and was again taken back by the culture as well as the beautiful people. By this time I was starving and decided on settling for some Roti for lunch, a wonderful suggestion made by a friend before I left (however apparently he forgot to tell me the spicy disclaimer). I browsed around for a few more hours and ended up meeting up with Cliff, a couchsurfer that I met a couple years back when he was staying in Calgary. He was a life saver since I had just spilt my water in my purse and the water/dye of my purse managed to ruin my bag, ipod, jeans, and passport, so not only was I cranky but I was also exhausted from walking around all day. Anyway he drove me around for a while which gave me an awesome opportunity to rest and see a bit more of the city I wanted (Yorkville, Yonge Street, Chinatown, and the downtown area). I was exhausted by the time we were ready to part ways but grateful he came to meet me and very excited that my day had turned out so wonderful.

I learnt a few really important lessons from this trip. First being that God truly is in the most unexpected places and he is answering me, he just has a different form of doing so. Second that Calgary really is one of the most culturally deprived cities I have been too. Toronto has night life - every day of the week, it has art coming out of its ying-yang, they have one of those big screens hanging up downtown, they have posters pasted on the side of every building and wall, talented graffiti everywhere, music playing while you walk down the street, every kind of food under the sun - that actually tastes like a piece of their home. They have a subway system and adequate transit that runs the whole city long, street performers, worthy broadway shows, unlike Calgary it has buildings older than me, it has a stadium that artist want to play their music in, it has roots, it even has a bloody gay village (although if I was true to my redneck roots it would be just so "we" could get "them" out of "our" backyards). Anyway, my point is Toronto has life and each and every day I see more and more of that lacking in Calgary. The last thing I learnt is that I am on the right path. I had some sad moments yesterday, some times where I just kinda felt lonely. Without fail some random person was sent my way to keep me company and teach me some pretty powerful life lessons. I felt like God was just kinda saying "hold on girl, I got your hand, you just need to trust", so alas I am going to try that option. I am going to trust that I made the right decision and that God knows what he is doing - I still don't like His plan but I do accept (kinda) that it is His and I am only along for the ride.

Lord grant me the wisdom to accept the things I cannot change....

Life changes, you change, people change.  Its hard to keep up lately to all the change.  I was at my Grandfathers 75th birthday tonight and without knowing it my cousin pinpointed my issue (or one of many).  Acceptance!!!  There are times in my life where I just want to scream (and sometimes do) why me???  Why Again....let up would you!  During my wee bit of time on earth I feel like an old soul who has experienced too much at times.  The thing is I can take all those issues/problems/things and make them into life lessons, and I do.  I learn, I move on, I forgive, I fight though and end up growing because of them, but at the end of the day I don't think I fully accept.  I keep thinking things could have been different, they should have been different and I find myself off in a dream of how life would have been IF ONLY.  So I suppose my next mission in life is acceptance.  Huh wonder how Im gonna pull this one off, wish me luck....

My first glassblowing experience...

For Christmas Tony bought me glassblowing classes at ACAD.  I was so excited!!  Not only was it something I have always wanted to do, it was also something I hadn't really talked about before and thus very thoughtful.  I think I am going to make a list of my most favorite things in life.  Thoughtful gifts or ideas will definitely have to be on the top.   

Yesterday was my first night at class and it was much more different than I envisioned.  One of the things I never even thought about was how HOT it would be.  From what I can remember there are two crucibles , four furnaces and five annealing ovens all in a fairly small room; I was certain I would pass out within the first hour and I think I came pretty close. I even had to leave to splash cold water on myself because I was burning up, I walked out of there with a bit of a "tan" on my face.  Rob says our bodies will adjust to the heat in time, Im not too sure of that.  

Thankfully our instructor is a great guy and really about hands on learning so we were gathering and shaping glass within the first half hour.  I suck at trying new things because I am way too competitive and quite frankly don't like doing anything Im not good at.  Its a goal of mine to work on so these classes will definitely help cause so far Im really no good.  Rob likened glassblowing to playing the guitar, anyone can pick up the instrument and strum but it wont sound good if you don't know what your doing and it takes A LOT of practice to get any good, even more to put the tunes you learn into a full song.  Essentially the words I dread.  I mean it makes sense, its the same with any form of art, I guess I just thought it would be a bit easier than it was.

Our first project was a paper weight, my initial reaction was "are you kidding me, arnt those like blobs of glass left over from some failed project".  I was really wrong, do you know how freaking hard those are to make?  I ended up making three, only one of which I kinda liked.  There are so many levels to something that thick, Rob showed us how to make one and his looked like a friggin bowling ball, mine was maybe pushing the size of a golf ball.  You do get the hang of it the more the class progresses so I am sure it is something I will pick up soon, in the mean time an attitude change may help.  Next week we are blowing glass for our first time so I am sure it will be interesting to see how I do (ill try and take some pictures to post).  

I love any kind of art really however unless it is something I have done or even tried, I can never fully appreciate every piece I see.  Last night I learnt to really respect any type of glass work.  It is so difficult to work with.  The glass is like honey when it is hot but it hardens within seconds, you have a very small time period to be moulding and shaping your piece.  The heat, the movements, letting go of imperfections, learning all the tools, it is all very new.  I am sure I will get used to it and surely I will feel more comfortable after seven weeks but as of now it is bloody difficult.  

Anyway, needless to say I am really loving the class.  I have not been in a structured art class since I was about twelve (I am still so grateful my Mom was persistent with me as a kid to try lots of different art classes) so this is a old-new thing for me and I am excited to be learning.  It has definitely inspired me to get into more classes and start pursuing different forms of art I am interested in rather than just poking along at them on my own.  I am so excited to keep learning in this class and to make something really stupendously special to show off by the end.  My house is fully of original pieces, some of which I have done, most done by others.  I love them all.  I love the randomness behind them, the work into every detail, the originality behind my crazy decorating, the stories behind everything I have made and even bought.  These next seven weeks I will be creating a story behind my piece of glass (whatever it is I decide to make), I am curious as to what it will mean to me by the end and I am so excited to find out. 

Some of my favs...

Tonight I discovered Rachael Yamagata's most recent video and I love it!  The lyrics are great but I really do just like the video as well; in fact I wish I was her for these four short minutes, I dont know why, its a pretty simple video but IRegardless I love it.  This Racheal character seems to be a fairly constant background noise when I am out and about through my day, another great song of hers is The Reason Why; good ol' heart string songs oh how I love them.

I stumbled across a few more postsecrets recently that I added to my collection.  Here are a few for you peruse, the top one is my blog profile pic, ive always just loved it.

Hoping that something special touches your heart today and makes you smile from the inside.   If nothing has, pick up Ecclesiastes, I read it tonight and it did the trick for me.

The gift of life...

After a lot of research and thought I finally decided to follow through with becoming a bone marrow donor.  I have finished all the paper work and signed up on the national registry, I am now I am just waiting to receive my mouth swab to be tested and put on the Marrow Network.  There are thirteen countries in the world that use the onematch program, as a donor if you are lucky enough to be compatible with a patient you agree to follow through with the procedure and after multiple physicals and tests you start preparing to give while the patient begins chemotherapy.  Unfortunately once the patient begins treatment it is not yet illegal for donors to back out which means if you do decide you are no longer comfortable with the idea, you also decide to end that patients life; I cant believe that is legal...very dumbfounding!  As a donor it is a relatively simple process.  They say it takes about 40 to 46 hours over four to six weeks to do all the pre-testing and then it is an hour surgery under anesthetic where they are actually extracting your marrow.  They make anywhere from one to ten incisions above the pelvic bone and use hallow needles with syringes attached to draw out the marrow.  Apparently the side effects are much smaller than I expected.  You typically stay in the hospital for one night and are given Tylenol to relieve the discomfort (and if it is only Tylenol they are handing out you can pretty much guarantee it really isn't that bad), there are minimal risks to the surgery and all of them seem to become very minuet when you think about the joy of the gift you are giving.   

Now the trick is finding a patient that I am compatible with.  On the blood services website they say as a Caucasian I have a 1 in 10 000 chance of finding someone I can donate too however depending on what site of statistics I look at it can range past 1 in 20 000.  I was so excited when I finally made the decision to go ahead with this, but truthfully it breaks my heart that I may never be compatible with someone.  I would hate if I was not a match for anyone.  I hope and pray that I will be a perfect suit for someone out there who has desperately been trying to find a match for themselves or a family member.  During my research I came across many videos and articles written by family members who have received marrow.  It was so heartwarming to hear their stories, to know that one person was able to save their life, to give them a gift of growing old and experiencing the world.  How amazing!

So I guess your good vibes and prayers would be appreciated as I prepare join the Marrow Network.  I really hope that I am able to be a match for one person out there...even the possibility makes me smile!  Oh and feel free to join yourself...you too may just give the beautiful gift of giving someone else an opportunity at a second chance!