Thursday, April 23, 2009

Orange vs. Yellow


Last night was my final evening of glassblowing and it was great!  Glassblowing has always been an art form that I have wanted to try and I am so glad I did.  One of my favorite parts of glassblowing however, was realizing I am not a glassblower nor am I interested in becoming one.  The last evening of our two months of classes was supposed to be spent mastering the art and creating your final big project.  All week I thought about what I would create, what my final piece would turn into, but when I got there I really didn't care; not in an apathetic way, I just wasn't interested in making anything else.  I was satisfied, completely content with what I had already made and I wanted to focus on those items instead.  Typically I would have gone to class and blown glass from the beginning to end, not missing out on one minute to ensure that I created the best piece ever and made the most of my time.  But throughout this process I have realized that glassblowing isn't my thing and I don't need to make it that way.  It is really difficult, seriously too hot, and not something I am able to go home and practice on my own.  I knew within the first few weeks that I wouldn't be going any further in it.  Now typically I am a very competitive person and this response just wouldn't have sat well, but for some reason something was different this time.  I was fully willing to accept that glassblowing was not my forte and I didn't need to stress myself out trying to make it that way.  I don't know if I am explaining myself very well, but either way it was a pretty neat discovery for me.


Now don't get me wrong, although I am not becoming a professional glassblower any time soon, I still enjoyed each and every class I had.  Week after week I challenged myself and learnt something new.  I focused my mind on art for a minimum of four hours every week, which is great habit to get into and something I really need to do more.  Most of all I had set aside time each and every week just for me.  It gave me an opportunity to clear my mind, to think things through, to be distracted, to learn, to meet new people, to try something new.  I was able to learn the importance of classes, of having a schedule set out to spend time with myself, doing something I love.  Since I was young and in sports or music (which was just a tiny bit ago) I haven't done anything organized like this; I really enjoyed it and learnt that I need to be doing it more often.


Here are some pictures of me blowing glass and of some of my lovely masterpieces.  The small ones are what I started off making.  Most people would walk by those blobs of glass and not think twice, but I look at them and am able see how much effort and time goes into even the smallest piece of glass; they make me proud.  The three vases are my favorite things that I made in class; I think they are so pretty.  I noticed last night that although they were all done in different classes, I unintentionally used the same colors each time.  I decided to look up the meaning of those colors and I found it very interesting.  I read that dark orange is "the color of heat or darkness" and it "can mean deceit and distrust".  Yellow on the other hand "is the color of sunshine" it also "produces a warming effect, arouses cheerfulness" and "indicates honor and loyalty".  I liked that the only two colors I chose contradicted themselves and represented my inner wars (or some of the wars I am facing).  Those colors swirled about my art in a battle of which would be the dominate one, and swirled about in myself of which would be the dominate reaction; I am happy to report that in both cases yellow won!


In my first blog about glassblowing I said I was excited to see what I would make and what it would mean to me.  I really didn't think such a small piece of glass would be something that would mean this much; something that would teach me this many lessons.  Now, when I look at my vases, and even my paperweights, they will mean more to me than I ever thought they would, more than I can put in words...at least in here.  







Thursday, April 16, 2009

Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew


Its been a while since i've posted and although I have about a half a dozen blogs already written, I just cant seem to post them.  Whether they are too personal, too touchy, too boring, or too me, I just haven't wanted to put them out there for everyone to divulge in.  I've had a tough month.  I've gone through lots of emotion, lots of growing, and LOTS of tears.  Me...crying...I know?!?  It has to be one of my new favorite things!  I am not one of those overly emotional girls, I mean I am in a sense, but when it comes to big painful issues I hardly ever deal with them by crying.  


This year was a big one!  So, so many difficult situations in my life.  Too much pain, too much death, too much change.  I thought I was dealing with everything alright but I am realizing I wasn't even close.  As always I would busy myself in everything and anything till eventually I got over that hump.  Work, friends, hobbies, care-taking, the computer, and so many other outlets helped distract my mind from life.  And with everything this year added up to be, I could almost count on my hands how many times I actually let go and cried.  


I have gone through my fair share of life issues.  Sometimes I curse my last twenty-five years and sometimes I feel blessed by them.  One of the reasons I curse them though is because it made me live on the defense.  Pain, for me, was not an option.  It was too daunting, too big.  So I dealt with it by getting angry, hurting myself, hurting others, ignoring it, drowning it out, using, laughing, pretending it wasn't there.  No matter what form I found, actually working through issues and dealing with the pain was rarely a way of coping that I chose to use.  


Whether it was my year, where I was at in my life, the long cold winter...whatever, I just seemed to be in a funk.  On one level I completely knew it and on the other I really had no idea; I know it makes no sense!  Anyway, this past month has brought even more change to my life and with the sun coming out every day (and the persistence of a certain someone that really seemed to open up my heart) I seem to be facing those hurdles in a totally new light.  I have cried almost every day for a month straight!  Sounds depressing hey?  But its not!  It has been one of the most healing experiences I've had...a detox of the soul if you will.  I have cried for the ones I have lost, the loss of relationships, for myself, for my pain, for my years and years of missed-out tears.  


Now dont get me wrong, Im not a blubbering mess 24/7.  I am still out enjoying life.  In this short month I have tried so many new things; I have met new people, I have fell in love with my work again, I have continued to express myself through art, I have made some awesome plans for the future, yada, yada.  Life is treating me well, and I am treating me well, but part of that right now is cleansing myself with tears.  Its almost like I put aside time every day to feel the cool, salty, moisture fall from my face and most importantly fall from my heart.


So many times you hear people say "just cry it out" and until now I have never understood the importance of it.  Ive always felt strange or cold for not being one of those super sensitive girls but that isn't the case, its just I didn't know how to be OK with too much emotion, I wasn't comfortable in it.  I am learning to love it though, learning to coach myself through a true healing process.  So as the tears flow I am growing, I am opening a chapter of my life which is so gentle and vulnerable...so not me, but only this time it is me, and it is beautiful!  


So next time you see me out-and-about and my eyes look a little extra puffy, dont feel bad or wonder if I am alright.  See the beauty in my eyes...see the look of healing.


Friday, April 03, 2009

I know I can be colorful, I know I can be grey...


Someone asked me today why I do what I do.  More in terms of what I do for a career and volunteering.  Lots of people don't agree with the work I am in, they question why I would sacrifice my time, salary, and my heart on problems that arnt mine.  This person was not insinuating that at all but it did get me thinking.  There are times when I too wonder why it is I am so drawn to the social development field, why I give more of me to others than I do to myself (which is a whole other issue).  I think the way I look at it is: a carpenter is given the gift of his hands, an architect is given the gift of his eye, and I was given the gift of my heart.  For me, it would be wasteful and unfulfilling to not use it, I love the work I do, the passion I bring, the lives I meet.  It is one of the most rewarding paths I could imagine and I am so glad I landed myself here.  Here's a poem (and song) that stirred me up a few years ago, I thought of it today as I was replying to this friend.

Three passions have governed my life:
The longings for love, the search for knowledge,
And unbearable pity for the suffering of [humankind].

Love brings ecstasy and relieves loneliness.
In the union of love I have seen
In a mystic miniature the prefiguring vision
Of the heavens that saints and poets have imagined.

With equal passion I have sought knowledge.
I have wished to understand the hearts of [people].
I have wished to know why the stars shine.

Love and knowledge led upwards to the heavens,
But always pity brought me back to earth;
Cries of pain reverberated in my heart
Of children in famine, of victims tortured
And of old people left helpless.
I long to alleviate the evil, but I cannot,
And I too suffer.

This has been my life; I found it worth living.

-Bretrand Russell