Saturday, September 26, 2009

still thoughts...




Do you ever wish you could know exactly how another person experiences something? I do. Maybe cause life has been so foreign here, but I’ve had that on my mind a lot lately.

The other day Juan and I were shopping and found a wonderful grocery store that actually sold real cheese. We bucked up the cash and splurged on a taste from back home. I cannot explain the excitement I got from our purchase, I felt like I was walking home with a bag full of gold. I also found Ritz crackers in this store so as soon as we got back I promptly made a plate of crackers with melted cheese. After my masterpiece was pulled from the microwave, an Austrian staying with us asked if he could try one. The moment he put it in his mouth, his face twisted up and it took everything he could to not spit it out. He was appalled that I would eat this as a snack yet earlier through the trip he was munching down on Thai fried cockroaches. At that moment I wanted to have his taste buds, I wanted to know how that could be so foreign and gross him. I didn’t get it and quite frankly I don’t believe him, can anyone seriously hate crackers and cheese that much?

In Thailand we are staying in a neighborhood called Nonthaburi and in the few weeks we have been here I have yet to see one foreigner. When you walk down the streets they are packed with people. Vendors every few feet lining the edges, and tables set up in between where everyone just SITS, relaxes, visits and works all day. When I go for my morning walk or head out to the city and walk past these streets most people stop what they are doing and just smile and stare. I wish I could be in their head, to know the curiosity they are feeling or the questions they have. It would be nice to speak the language and talk to them about those questions but more than that, I want to be in their minds, to know their thought process.

Its this obsession I have lately. I want pictures of what my eyes see at some exact moment, yet I can never quite capture that same image on film. I want to know what the people I am traveling with think about when we go for a walk or sit in an enchanting temple. I want to know what goes through the locals minds when I walk by or say thank you in Thai. I wonder where this came from? Why this fascination of understanding everything and relating to all just suddenly appeared. I just want to KNOW. I watch a TV show and I wish I knew what was running through the actors mind as they rhapsodically rehearse their lines. I walk past the dogs filled with rabies and diseases and wonder if they have feelings, I wonder if they know they are dirty and missing out on love because of it. I wonder what runs through a child’s mind when they intently stare at me like I am the latest and discovery their eyes came across.

There isn’t much point to my ramblings, just thought I would share where my mind is at. We have been still for quite a while now, not traveling much and not doing too much sightseeing. I am loving this life. I have not had the opportunity to sit still for a long time now, even while traveling around India and Europe, life goes fast when you’re on the road. But here, it is slowing down…I am allowing it to slow down. Im not rushing about, trying to accomplish things, or see this or that. Im doing a lot of thinking, a lot of relaxing, spending a lot of time with myself. I have no complaints, not one, and THIS is what I was looking for.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Jennys missing home...

Wow, ive almost been gone for a full month again. Leaving home for me is fairly hard, although I love the adventure of being on my own and seeing the world, I am very close to my family and not used to being away from them for such a long period of time. When I have internet connection it’s a lot better cause I can phone them, chat them, or email them, either way I can get an update on what is going on in our world back home. But lately Ive had very little access to the internet and it has made me a touch homesick. I want to phone Chris and hear how the kids are, or talk to Tiffany about what is going on in her life, I want to send emails to reassure my parents that life is beautiful here, and I want to see my freakin dog. And more than anything I want some food from home, preferably my Moms home cooking. The excitement of Thai food lasted all of one week before I realized carbs and fried foods for every meal really isn’t all that appealing…at all. India held a lot more culture shock than Thailand but for some reason Im having a bit of a tough time adjusting, in a couple weeks ill be fine but today, right now, I am homesick.

In one of the books I was reading this trip it was talking a lot about seasons and I realized by the time I get home I will have been traveling for eight months and missed two full seasons, summer and fall (my two favorite). Sometimes I find myself on the beach daydreaming about what life will be like when I get home, how I will decorate my apartment and what kind of work I will get into this time. Anyway, home (wherever I make it) is on my mind, better yet, family is.

With that being said, traveling is on my heart and I am so excited for all of the places I will be going to visit. We finally have a bit more of a solid plan as it looks like traveling through north Thailand then heading into Laos, Vietnam, and Cambodia will be the next part of this trip. If I fall in love with one of those countries I may even stay and try to find work or a place to volunteer. I have nothing tying me down to one place or another here, no deadline for when I need to leave a country, and no goal of where I want to end up; thankfully that leaves me able to choose as I go along and I am really enjoying that freedom.

The other day we were traveling 160km and it took us eight hours, by the end of the bus ride I was going crazy. Its those kind of things that throw me off and make me think of home, its just so easy to say “at home I would have been here seven hours ago with food in my belly, air-conditioning on, and a freaking bathroom break along the way”. Anyway, as I was rambling on in my mind I decided to finish the book that my aunt gave me (Let your life speak by Parker J. Palmer) and this was a quote I stumbled upon which reminded me I am indeed exactly where I need to be at this point in my life.

“From autumns profligate seedings to the great spring giveaway, nature teaches a steady lesson: if we want to save our lives, we cannot cling to them but must spend them with abandon. When we are obsessed with bottom lines and productivity, with efficiency of time and motion, with the rational relation of means and ends, with projecting reasonable goals and making a beeline toward them, it seems unlikely that we will ever know the fullness of spring in our lives. “

Thursday, September 10, 2009

The music in my mind...

I can still see the smoke from my train outta town
Ive dreamed myself a million times around the world

Don’t put yourself back in the fire again
I wake up in the morning, stumble on my life
The hand that calls me forward is the hand that leaves me behind

It’s a beautiful lie, if you think it will always stay the same
Pulling at the loose strings now
Follow the leader or make up all the rules
Throw yourself in the midst of danger but keep one eye open at night
Were livin in a wasteland

I have all this gold in my soul
What am I looking for?
Ive always been known to cross lines
I know I can be colorful, I know I can be grey
Pull the roots…

First week in Bangkok







Wow, what a difference! These past few days we have been with a local CSer and it has made a world of difference compared to the backpacking area we were in (although that was lots of fun too).

A couple nights ago Toom (our CS host, pronounced tomb) took us out for supper around his area of town. It was wonderful for so many reasons. First, we spent the whole evening out and not once did we see one tourist, actually we haven’t for days now! Second was the food….oh my goodness the food. There are stands every few feet of something new to try and quite frankly I feel like I am trying it all. Im going to have to check myself soon or im gonna end up coming home double my size. But I just cant help it, the food here is terribly delicious and I cant seem to get enough.

Through the night though I was definitely granted my wish of taking it slow, the Thai people seem to be very good at that. Walking for example, I had to slow my pace by WAY more than half of how I normally walk. Walking slow and taking your time believe it or not is actually a lot of work, it definitely took a while before I stopped saying in my head “can we just freakin hurry up”, but really what is the rush anyway? We also picked up a fruit that has a really strong smell to it….apparently, although I really couldn’t smell it at all. Because of that we were not allowed on the air-conditioned bus and out of respect we wrapped our already packaged fruit in three different bags so no one else would be bothered by the smell. Isnt that amazing? Quite frankly I was blown away. Just out of RESPECT we would not get on a bus that had air running through it in case the smell bothered someone, it made me realize I officially have no idea what respect is at home cause I thought that was madness (although I liked the idea). Also, I started talking on the bus and Toom politely asked me to stop. At first I was quite taken back, like “whats his issue” kinda deal, but then he explained that the Thai people like to relax on the bus. Usually they are coming or going from work or something else that is busy and they just appreciate some calmness, ha all I could think about was how much my Dad would like these customs. Needless to say in just a few short hours I was amazed at the general respect and kindness that is shown around here, I loved it.

So far the trip has been great. Its been really relaxing with absolutely no sightseeing, temples, beaches, or adventure but quite frankly that is just the way I like it. I am sure over the next four months I will get my fair share of all that jazz so im not too worried about rushing through it now. Tomorrow Juan and I head to Ban Phe and then heading to Ko Chang for a while on the beach. Really not too sure what the plan will be after that, basically we have just been taking it day to day so im excited to see where we end up.

Anyway, I should go, there is a bakery that has the best cream filled doughnuts in the world and I want to get one before they close. Haha yes indeed, my trip is currently strictly based around food.

Monday, September 07, 2009

Goodmorning Thailand….

Today I had my first early Thai morning. With all the hustle of flying and time change Ive been sleeping in way too late, but alas this morning I was out of bed at 7:30am before the city became alive (which is pretty early around here). I walked around my area and enjoyed it all from a calm point of view. The streets weren’t full of vendors, hundreds of people, or constant action; nope they were dead…slow.

Believe it or not, traveling can actually be a lot of work. You are always on the move, trying to see this or that, lugging around an extra twenty pounds on your back, and rarely sleeping so you can soak up all the sights. Even on the road I need to remind myself to slow down. This morning after my walk I went to get myself a coffee (looks like I may have to be hitting the caffeine again). As I stood there waiting the man getting my coffee ready looked me in the eye and sternly said “sit down”. Now it could be my active imagination or a lack of sleep but I am almost positive in his two words he actually said to me “why are you standing in front of me and bothering me? Why are you being all impatient and making me hurry? I am going to take my time making you a delicious coffee while you take your time relaxing in my chair and absorbing this beautiful morning. Hunny, you are in one of the most beautiful places on earth, take a breath, take a seat, enjoy the view and RELAX”. And that was all I needed to hear. I sat there on my own soaking up my experiences (even some from the last few weeks that I haven’t taken the time to enjoy enough). As tears came to my eyes I wanted to just sit there and break down, to drop my shoulders and cry. I AM SO BLESSED!!! What happened? How did I get here?

Sometimes it is hard to look at life and just feel blessings. There are times I get caught in my past, or worried about my future and I think “man I got freakin ripped off” and you know what, I did in lots of ways, but so has everyone. Every person I know has their own deep scars embedded into their skin and into their heart. Pain, fear, injustice…it is all part of life and I know it is important to not hold on too but sometimes that takes training, it takes a lot of work. Now don’t get me wrong, Im not a victim and I never have been, but there seems to be this little empty hole somewhere in my heart that is DYING to be filled and it seems like the impossible task. This trip I am going to quit working on filling that hole and focus on filling up the rest of my heart with all my wonderful blessings and maybe, just maybe I can suffocate that hole right out! And today, right now I am blessed beyond measure. No worry in sight, no heavy burdens, no broken spirits…just beauty. Now the trick is standing still, and in this very moment stillness is all I know.

Be blessed…

Saturday, September 05, 2009

Finally in Thailand!

I have now spent a handful of hours in Thailand and I am already so in love with the place. How could I not be, an ice cream cone is ten cents?? Arriving here was a bit of a mess as neither Juan nor I had tickets leaving the country, which apparently is a must. After stress levels hitting the roof and hours of trying to find a way to buy a ticket without spending two hundred euros we finally found a solution and were allowed on the plane.

We arrived late afternoon and went straight to Bangkok to find a hostel and drop our bags. With all the action we have not seen much of the city or the country side but I already know from our short stint that I will love it. Right now we have a hostel in an area called Khaosan and it is so bloody great. The action does not stop around here. It is a perfect mix of locals and tourist (which is nice when you are settling in to such a foreign new place) with a great spark to the area. There is delicious cheap food every step you take, endless strips of market finds, clothes that stimulate your senses more than the freakin country itself, color in everything, and an ease to the air. Ahhh I love it.

So far I am not too sure of what the plan will be. It looks like Juan and I will travel around the country for a while to discover and see where each of us will land. He will choose his favorite place to stay for school, while I will find my favorite place and either start working or volunteering. First we will spend a few days in Bangkok exploring the city and trying to gather some information on this beautiful country we have landed in, after that who knows?

You know, before I got here I really started doubting myself….I hate it when I do that. My family is nervous about my travels and I have got a lot of “are you sure”, “I don’t have a good feeling about this”, “this isn’t safe” and it really started getting to my head. On my way through Italy I admit there was a moment where I thought, what the heck am I freakin doing, ill never be able to hack it on my own in a place like Thailand. But something happened when I got here, I got a huge waft of comfort the moment I stepped into the city. There are so many young girls traveling on their own and having the time of their lives, I wandered the city till late at night in a packed street and not once did I feel uncomfortable. I think instinct is a great tool and not once did my instinct tell me I shouldn’t be here; it felt good.

So….I am excited for this trip, very excited. I love when my eyes see new things but I love it when my spirit is blessed with experiences I could never get at home or anywhere else. I see myself in many different faucets in these next few months, and I am really anticipating where I will end up. But hey, who is thinking months down the road, I can hardly wait to crawl into bed and wake up to discover this city tomorrow.

Hope all is well at home!!

Wednesday, September 02, 2009

My crazy world...

Ahh where to start? This trip has been so much fun and it has barely even begun. When I decided to come back to Europe I didn’t really know what my plan was. What I did know was that my final destination was Thailand and coming through Europe would make that dramatically cheaper. As always I went back and forth thinking I would stay for a couple days or go to as many countries as my little heart desired for at least a month or two. Europe has been great and I really do adore my time here but being practical I realized soon that it was too expensive for me to be traveling around and then still expecting to live in Thailand for a few months and travel there as well. I found a disgusting seat sale and decided to book for this week which means I leave for Thailand on Friday. Thankfully Juan’s final destination is Thailand as well (he is heading there for school) so we decided to meet up along the way, go to Thailand together, and travel around some too. We are two days away and I am getting unbearably excited. Today I was walking around and just had a huge grin on my face thinking about how much fun I am in for.

So anyway, back to how I landed back in Spain. San Fermin was a crazy festival that just blew me away and when I heard about La Tomatina going on the same time I was in Europe I figured I had to find a way there since it is something I have always wanted to be a part of. It was crazy, im talking mad crazy. 140 tons of tomatoes are brought into the narrow streets of Bunol and thousands upon thousands of people begin the biggest, meanest food fight in all the world. People went mad throwing handfuls of tomatoes in every direction their arms could manage (there were so many people you could barely move let alone throw). I got pelted in the face crazy hard a few times and walked out of the hour food fight with bruises all over. Every inch of your body, of the street, and the houses surrounding were covered in red. It was like I blinked and when I opened my eyes the only color of lens I could see through was red. It was a disaster but such a fun one and definitely worth the trip. Once again, I wish I could explain it better but you just cant sum up an experience like that…it was mad!

In Spain I went to Alicante, Valencia, Bunol, and Barcelona; every city was a different adventure but loads of fun. I got to see some of the friends I met from last time and met some really great ones this time as well. Juan and I met up from there and hitched to Marceilles where we have been couchsurfing for the past four days. This is a beautiful city, actually everywhere I have been in France is wonderful and each time I say that I need to stay longer. One day I hope to be able to spend lots of time in these treasure cities I keep finding (and maybe even have enough money to treat myself to at least one meal out). But alas I am on the road again, this time heading to Italy for only a night and then heading to THAILAND! How crazy is that? I cant wait. I keep wondering where I will end up, what other countries I will visit while I am there, what adventures will I find along my journey. The anticipation right now is eating at me which in itself is very exciting. There are lots of things I get excited over when I think of these next few months and I love that feeling of not being able to wait. I guess there is a difference between being excited and impatiently crazy giddy, the ladder is where I am at.

Today I was walking in the park and I felt my life was a big video game, like I was some character that was being guided around by someone else. Like pac man it was like eating this task, this country, this escapade with each one getting faster and faster to get more points. Do you get what Im saying? Like, +40 points for falling in love, -25 for breaking hearts, +100 for visiting another continent, -50 for not standing still. You catch my drift, but it all goes back and forth. Either way, I realized it was my life I was thinking about, not a game. I need to stop living like it is just a game and realizing the depth of my LIFE. Whether that is working and settling down or traveling to the next place, either option needs to just be lived out in the moment, not just the next thing. I try really hard to do that but it is so hard to live in the moment sometimes, I get caught up and pulled in or not pulled in at all and then my mind wanders in every direction. Hum, not sure if that makes sense or not, actually most of my thoughts arnt making sense right now but I am really enjoying it, it is like rediscovering different thought patterns or ways of thinking, rediscovering me again and again.

On the plus side, I am eating about six cookies a day…big cookies, and that my friends is worth noting!!!