Let your tears come. Let them water your soul. ~Eileen Mayhew

Its been a while since i've posted and although I have about a half a dozen blogs already written, I just cant seem to post them.  Whether they are too personal, too touchy, too boring, or too me, I just haven't wanted to put them out there for everyone to divulge in.  I've had a tough month.  I've gone through lots of emotion, lots of growing, and LOTS of tears.  Me...crying...I know?!?  It has to be one of my new favorite things!  I am not one of those overly emotional girls, I mean I am in a sense, but when it comes to big painful issues I hardly ever deal with them by crying.  

This year was a big one!  So, so many difficult situations in my life.  Too much pain, too much death, too much change.  I thought I was dealing with everything alright but I am realizing I wasn't even close.  As always I would busy myself in everything and anything till eventually I got over that hump.  Work, friends, hobbies, care-taking, the computer, and so many other outlets helped distract my mind from life.  And with everything this year added up to be, I could almost count on my hands how many times I actually let go and cried.  

I have gone through my fair share of life issues.  Sometimes I curse my last twenty-five years and sometimes I feel blessed by them.  One of the reasons I curse them though is because it made me live on the defense.  Pain, for me, was not an option.  It was too daunting, too big.  So I dealt with it by getting angry, hurting myself, hurting others, ignoring it, drowning it out, using, laughing, pretending it wasn't there.  No matter what form I found, actually working through issues and dealing with the pain was rarely a way of coping that I chose to use.  

Whether it was my year, where I was at in my life, the long cold winter...whatever, I just seemed to be in a funk.  On one level I completely knew it and on the other I really had no idea; I know it makes no sense!  Anyway, this past month has brought even more change to my life and with the sun coming out every day (and the persistence of a certain someone that really seemed to open up my heart) I seem to be facing those hurdles in a totally new light.  I have cried almost every day for a month straight!  Sounds depressing hey?  But its not!  It has been one of the most healing experiences I've had...a detox of the soul if you will.  I have cried for the ones I have lost, the loss of relationships, for myself, for my pain, for my years and years of missed-out tears.  

Now dont get me wrong, Im not a blubbering mess 24/7.  I am still out enjoying life.  In this short month I have tried so many new things; I have met new people, I have fell in love with my work again, I have continued to express myself through art, I have made some awesome plans for the future, yada, yada.  Life is treating me well, and I am treating me well, but part of that right now is cleansing myself with tears.  Its almost like I put aside time every day to feel the cool, salty, moisture fall from my face and most importantly fall from my heart.

So many times you hear people say "just cry it out" and until now I have never understood the importance of it.  Ive always felt strange or cold for not being one of those super sensitive girls but that isn't the case, its just I didn't know how to be OK with too much emotion, I wasn't comfortable in it.  I am learning to love it though, learning to coach myself through a true healing process.  So as the tears flow I am growing, I am opening a chapter of my life which is so gentle and vulnerable...so not me, but only this time it is me, and it is beautiful!  

So next time you see me out-and-about and my eyes look a little extra puffy, dont feel bad or wonder if I am alright.  See the beauty in my eyes...see the look of healing.