It don't matter to the sun...

Another life passed on this week, another person defeated by Cancer.  That big scary word that seems to be such an epidemic in our world.  Another family mourns while we go about our lives without skipping a beat.  Two children will never have their Mom watch them get married, they will not proudly put together their parents slideshow for their twenty fifth wedding anniversary, they will watch their father crawl into a lonely bed at the end of every night, they will carry an endless ache on their hearts.  Life really is unfair.  

The concept of death is all consuming to me.  True finality.  I have learnt that death however tragic it is bares little to no weight on those in our lives.  Yes they are sorry for you, yes many would do what they could to ease your pain, but really it doesn't matter much, you become another prayer request on their list and soon enough they forget to keep praying.  However unhinged is sounds, I often sing in my head "it don't matter to the sun" when I think of a loved one that passed.  The reality is, it really doesn't.  Your world, your heart, your endless ache matters to you, at times it consumes you, you wonder how the rest of the world has kept pace, how they aren't deeply affected by the lose of a life they should have known.  But your lose (whatever it is) doesn't stop the world from turning, it doesn't make people weep the tears or carry the burden you know they would if only they had the chance.  

Death seems to make me want to learn about each and every unique person on this planet.  God has a plan for every life, every soul he creates, it seems unfair to let the beauty of His work pass by.  I want to get to know more people.  I want to learn about them and pick into their hearts.  I went to a small group last night (for my first time) and it made me see how many wonderful people I am missing out on.  I've always said quality over quantity but I am starting to change my tune, just a bit anyway.  Yes I want to treasure my good friends and make more time for them in my life, but I want to meet other people, experience their world.  I want to mourn the loses they face in their lives.  I want to hear the desires of their hearts and grieve the lose they face.  

I want to mourn for every being.  For every lose, every heartache, every tragedy the has struck the lives of six billion plus people.  It is time to cry.

Deep Kiya Roots

As life goes-on every day seems to carry a new meaning. The birth of a family member, the loss of a loved one, the celebration of an anniversary, or the marking of ones change. Year by year my calendar grows in days to remember, days to grieve, days to celebrate. February 14th has been a day that is celebrated around the world. It is recognized as Valentines Day and although each country or culture has a different meaning behind the title, the underlining theme has consistently been love. I have grown up with the concept of Valentines Day for twenty five years now however this year it means so much more.

Today is the day my niece Kiya was due to be born। As an Auntie I had many months to look forward to this day। The anticipation of a call which led me racing to the hospital, the first glance of my niece as I counted each and every one of her fingers and toes, the tears of joy as I held her for the first time, the shear happiness as I watched Tiffany beaming as a new Mom, the endless pictures...the endless memories.

I have spent a bit of time lately obsessing over what Valentines Day really is and what it means to who। I found one meaning from Slovenia (where much of Kiya's heritage lays) explaining that their St. Valentine brings "the key of roots". It is the day where "plants and flowers start to grow" and it is the day they celebrate life. I like this....It rings so true for little miss Kiya Jade. Valentines Day, Kiya's real birth day, a day which resembles the key to roots...it is beautiful. Although there are so many would-have-been, should-have-been's today, this meaning has helped me find my own significance in Valentines Day. Today has given me roots, little Kiya roots...deep Kiya roots. Roots that will forever be a part of me, one's that will be a part of my children and my family to come. I want plants and flowers to start growing in my heart today, divine ones which match Kiya's beauty, and share her same scent, where their roots will grow deep inside me and solidify my memories. The dictionary defines roots as "a part of the body of a plant that develops, typically, from the radicle and grows downward into the soil, anchoring the plant and absorbing nutriment and moisture". That is what Valentines Day and Kiya's Day mean to me. I am anchored in my Kiya roots and through them I will absorb the nutrients I need, nutrients that will feed my heart, nourish my spirt, and heal my soul.

Girl you are rich even with nothing...

As predicted, the journey since coming home has not been the easiest.  There are definitely some stressors going on in my world and I feel myself fighting soulfully to not fade back to the familiar.  Thankfully though I have found myself feeling those situations and the emotions surrounding them.  I've collected a few tears and have been refreshed by their touch.  Today I put in an old CD where I stumbled across a heart song that made me smile.  I thought I would share with you the music that lifted my spirits and reminded me who I truly am.  

Cam, I am thinking about you a little extra today bud.  You are missed...Peace.

Celebrating Life

Jenelle:  "Why hello Fine Sir, how was your evening and what did you do with it?"

Fine Sir:  "Oh it was alright, I didn't do much of anything, how about yourself?"

Jenelle:  "Me?  I just walked on fire...no big deal"

After months of searching and trying to put it together, I was finally able to participate in a fire walk and what an experience it was.  It was a four and a half hour evening where I was given the opportunity to stretch my mind and further my horizons, meet some beautiful new people, and push my body to unfamiliar limits.  It was definitely an adventure to remember.  

We started the evening by drawing our fears on a board and discussing them with our group members.  Being vulnerable was a goal of mine this year and I was able to dive into this activity with minimal reservations.  After discussing them with the group we placed our boards on cinder blocks and punched through them (surprisingly when I put my mind to it, I broke my board on my first try...I was awfully proud).  After breaking our boards (a symbol of breaking through past our fears) we threw them into the fire to turn into coal which we would soon walk across (a representation for walking through and above our fears).  One of my posted pictures is of my fears being burnt.  On it I drew a loooong road (because it seems as though my road is never ending), a question mark (to represent the unknown in my life), myself (I believe at times I am my number one enemy), money (many of my dreams and goals will need a whole lotta dolla bills to achieve them), a clock (as much as I would like to deny it, my clock is ticking and sometimes time itself feels like my biggest adversary), an eye (for the way I am seen and not necessarily for who I truly am), a group of people (representing the toxic people who are in my life either by choice or indirectly), and bacteria (representing my own health and the health of my family which has been a bit paralyzing to me lately).  This activity was so fitting for where I am at in my life.  I am trying to face my fears and make some changes and I am finally starting to feel very light and accomplished in it...it was healing to watch my fears, my bars, burn.  

Next we did an angel walk which I was very uncomfortable with at first but once it was done it felt wonderful.  We lined up in two adjacent lines (there was about 25 of us in total) and one by one we would walk in between the two lines and everyone would touch the person in the middle.  It was difficult for me to touch other people, to know the right place to touch, to not make them uncomfortable, to be that sense of touch that made someone feel special...it was really hard for me.  But when I walked down the line it felt very powerful.  I did not think I could receive touch like that from strangers but it felt amazing.  Someone holding my hand, rubbing my shoulders, messing up my hair, touching my face.  I am laughing even as I write this because I know it sounds so odd, and it was, but it was also incredible.  I could feel that calmness and peace in everyones touch, I could sense their good intentions, I felt comfort from their touch, I felt special.  Definitely a highlight of my evening and probably the most difficult part of the whole night for me.  

Following the angel walk we did arrow breaking.  This is where you take a 27 inch long wooden arrow and place it in the sternal notch of your throat while another person puts the feather end against their hand.  You push as hard as you can with your throat against the arrow until the arrow snaps.  That was crazy.  They nonchalantly passed out arrows and let us know we would be breaking them with our throats...not the most comforting thought.  However, once again I faced my fears and trusted...yup I trusted that I would be fine.  I snapped my arrow without a problem and although I have a little mark to show where the pressure gathered on my throat, I like it.  I have found myself looking at it a few times in the mirror, smiling at how proud I am for having the courage to break my arrow.

Fire: friend or foe?  After about three hours the fire had finally burnt down to red ambers and it was ready for us to walk across it.  We had prepared our minds quite a bit during those few hours so rather than being fearful I was actually quite excited.  This for me was a simple mind over matter situation (or as Brian referred to it "mind in matter") and I knew I was ready.  My first walk was a touch nerve wrecking.  I did not think about it much and I really dont remember it  (the picture I have posted is with a flash so you cant see the color or how hot the coals actually are, the picture of just the bed of amber is actually what it looked like without the flash on...quite intimidating).  The only part I do remember was someone yelling "celebrate life" as I crossed the fire and another person congratulating me with a hug when I was done.  It was a memory moment for sure.  I walked about four times back and forth throughout the night and it was a different experience every time.  Whether it was me being indimiaded, excited, over confident (and the funny thing was as soon as I got out of mind and focused on how good I was and how easy it was, was the only time the fire got too hot and I got burnt), or just really happy, each walk was different.  

It was not what I expected or worked it up to be in my mind.  It actually wasn't about the fire at all, the evening turned my thought process and made my walk about me, my mind, and my heart.  I am so excited I was able to experience this.  I am glad I am pushing myself further this year to try new things and strengthen my character.  What I did realize this evening was that I am every bit as powerful as I think I am, even in my darkest moments when I doubt myself or my heart the most.  

It aint no thang....

So after multiple doctors appointments over the past year about a bump in my eye I finally got it removed!  I had a very tiny little bump on my eyelid that would drive me crazy so I went to my family doctor a few times but no matter what he gave me nothing helped (hot compresses, antibiotics, drops, etc.).  Finally he sent me to a specialist who I went to go see yesterday.  He was going to treat me for scar tissue from a sty but when I told him I dont get sty's it kinda got him thinking.  My bump has never bothered me or hurt, it never itched, changed size, got red or swollen.  Hum, he was stumped on this one.  After looking through my files he left and came back right away with a few other doctors and said they were going to do an emergency minor surgery and remove it to get tested.  Wow, wasn't expecting that one.  They froze my eye, flipped my eyelid inside out so there will be no scaring and scraped away (yummmm).  Thankfully the bump was REALLY small so I am sure it is nothing.  My eye however is REALLY huge now and Im looking like a mess.  I thought you may enjoy a few giggles over my messy little face.  I sure hope this isn't permanent!

“Home is a name, a word, it is a strong one; stronger than magician ever spoke, or spirit ever answered to, in the strongest conjuration.” -C.D.

Sometimes I am unsure of the reason but I have never felt like I have had a home.  I have never had my heart pull me to one place over the other.  Whether it was me leaving for camp as a child or moving to a new place on my own, I always knew I wanted to go back to my family but never thought of it as home.  I never lived where my parents grew up but throughout my life I have felt more at home there than anywhere else.  For whatever reason I couldn't find home no matter how hard I tried.

I find it sad to think that I have grown for twenty-five years, I have made memories, I have had my heart broken, I have experienced life and yet never felt at home.  I clearly remember my Dad teaching me to ride my bike down my childhood street, falling again and again, running home to tell my Mom that Dad let me fall and having her clean up and kiss my cuts and bruises...that should be home.  I remember waking up Christmas morning to my very own big-girl bike and a go-go puppy in the very same year and screaming with sheer joy at the unexpectedness of it...that should be home.  I remember pulling out of my parents driveway in my new car and hearing them yell at me to drive safe and buckle up, proudly smiling big for all the pictures...that should be home.  I remember my fathers tears as he dropped me off at treatment and my parents worried faces as I arrived back, without any questions I was welcomed back to sleep, to stay, to heal...that should be home.

After all these years of searching, after all the memories I have collected along my road, I believe I have finally found home.  As I flew back to Calgary the other day I felt a rush of tears and joy flood my soul as the airplane landed me safely back, I searched out the window wondering what my heart was feeling and it was then that I realized I was looking at my home.  I am unsure of why it took so long to get here but I have arrived.  I have thought about this a lot these past few days.  I have wondered if it is because my heart didn't allow me to fall in love with a home for fear I would one day lose it, or if it was because I never lived somewhere where I really wanted to be.  I wonder if it was me being angry for all these years having to leave behind my life as a kid and move to a new town only to start all over.  But after a lot of reflecting I have realized it is because I have never quite felt at home in my heart.  I have never searched long enough for me or felt content enough with where I was at either emotionally or spiritually or actually allow myself to rest somewhere physically.  As cliche as it sounds home really is where the heart is and for the first time in my life I have found it.  I am home and I am thrilled to be here.