Sober in Spain

After seven and a half years of not drinking there are no longer any time-consuming thoughts about me being a non drinker. There are rarely any situations where I think, you know today would be a great day to take a drink. Actually its only about once a year where there seems to be a situation where I decide this is the year I am going to start drinking again and that moment usually lasts all of a couple hours. In Spain however I have thought about me being a non-drinker non-stop.
Almost every young person here drinks…excesively. The amount of alcohol consumed by my generation in this country is absolutely insane. In fact, it is Sunday night and I just got back from a disco that had more people crammed into it than most of Calgary’s bars combined on a Friday night. I think my first visit to Spain was such a rush that the life just seemed like a big fun adventure, coming back however made me look at it much differently. There was actually a point in the night were I looked around the bar and just wanted to cry for all the wastefullness.
It is sad actually. You can only drink for so long before this stand still feeling kicks in, before your life just feels empty and your goals become a big wasted blur. Not only do I see that here, I hear it in their words. I asked a guy today what his friend was like and he responded by saying “she is one of those drunks who gets really mad or really happy; you never know what you will get”. The conversation or the environment had nothing to do with drinking but that is the only way he knew how to describe his friend because that is the only context he knew her in. The first time I came here I thought it was so great how everyone knows everyone, I thought it was such a wonderful community atmosphere. I realized soon it is not community at all, at least not my version of it. They are all getting drunk together six out of seven nights a week and possibly spending the afternoon together sleeping off their hangover on a beach. It is completely unappealing.
Now to be clear, there are many things I adore about Spain and this really is my only issue. Other than the drinking it is a wonderful place that I have adored, it just so happens that the “other” is quite a definitive factor. Needless to say, I have felt so blessed this trip to be a non drinker. To be able to wake up early every morning and discover the city, to not make terribly bad decisions based on a drunk moment, to know my goals and keep them, to know who is important in my life and be responsible to them, to know the value of my life and make decisions that reflect that awareness, to make my experiences real memories. Literally there are dozens of reasons I have come up with as to why I am so thankful for my sobriety. Lord, thank you, thank you, thank you for giving me the strength in my sobriety to get me through so many years of avoided pain, mistakes, and emptiness, and thank you for continuing to open my eyes so I can see why it is I choose to have a substance free life.
Oh and my parents say thank you too…especially on a trip like this!

Out, up, off, and away...

I denied myself nothing my eyes desired; I refused my heart no pleasure. My heart took delight in all my work, and this was the reward for all my labour. Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done and what I toiled to achieve, everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind; nothing was gained under the sun. ~Ecclesiastes 2:10-11

So I have decided to pack my bag and head out once more. I leave tomorrow and cannot wait to see what is in store for me.

Since coming home I have had the travelers itch...big time. I have thought about traveling, dreamt about traveling, and found peace in the idea of traveling. Being out on the road was such a wonder for me. It brought so many dimensions into my life and just breathed a new light to my spirit. The problem with traveling that has been standing in my way is this little word that people keep reminding me of...responsibility. Now that is a word I am fairly familiar with, as a matter of fact I have known it all too well and at much too young of an age. So I struggled with whether or not traveling around the world once again would really be a responsible decision. After all, traveling for me brings on many sacrifices; I will be spending ALL my money, I will not have a job to come home too, I will not come back to my own home, I will put myself a few steps back in terms of worldly possessions, and I will physically be in the same place in a few months as I am today. It is difficult in such a driven world to justify a decision such as this. So after a couple weeks at home I decided enough was enough, I would stuff down this need to continue discovering these lands and get back to "the real world". This however, proved to be a very unsettling feeling for me, no matter how hard I tried I just did not like the idea, I was not quite ready to let that piece rest. Then it got me thinking....what is responsibility anyway?

In my life I have watched many people achieve amazing heights. Through wealth, respectable careers, building a family, taking the appropriate steps in life, attaining possessions, building a community, I mean in so many ways I have been surrounded by very high-achieving responsible people. But still it wasn't making sense to me, if that is the case and I desire most of those things than why is it I am not wanting to directly work towards those goals? Then I realized my version of responsibly looks much different to me than it does to many other people. Since Ive been back I have spoken a lot about not feeling like I can catch up, not feeling like a can be a part of "the rat race" and I really realized that is because like many (way too many) in the midst of being responsible in my life, I forgot to be responsible to myself. Like any relationship, the relationship I have with myself requires a lot of effort. I need to love myself, and constantly work at taking care of me, I need to feed my spirt, and uplift the pains on my heart. I need to pay attention to my desires, I need take time to hear what i am really saying, I need to read between the lines, and shower myself in kindness. I need to feed myself with friendship and community yet allow time for me to sit in silence on my own. I need to keep things new and fresh and not allow myself to get stale in life. I wonder how many people who are responsible in their lives can honestly say they are responsible to themselves? How many of them have contradicted the rule of a responsible life by putting wants ahead of needs? I am at a place in my life where I realize that is desperately pertinent. I have left that piece of my world out for far too long and I owe it to myself to focus on that area.

So I don't have a big fancy plan, nor can I answer many questions about where I am actually going. I don't even know how long I will be going for, basically as long as my money lasts, that could be one month or four. As always, I have a million ideas and it will probably be a last minute thing when I decide whether to go north or south, east or west. I fly into Spain and head to a town called Valencia where I am going to have a bloody riot at the La Tomatina Festival (the biggest food fight in the world). I will probably stay around that area of Spain for a week or so and then I have no idea where I will go next. Fortunately when you travel on your own, you get to decide your own path with no deadlines, questions, or expectations. Ive thought about going to Poland to volunteer, going to Norway to visit my family, maybe even heading over to Thailand to meander around, but who knows I may end up falling in love in Sweden or being a bum on the beach in Madrid. I really enjoy not knowing though, there seems to be a lot more excitement that way.

So, with that, I promise to keep my blog updated on where I am going next and what beautiful gifts this world will bring to my life along my journey. Wish me luck and don't be afraid to send a little prayer out for me....

Gratitude for friendship...

There have been endless times this year where I have just felt filled with blessings. There is no doubting for me that my life has been blessed beyond measure, so much so that there are times I feel guilty for having it so darn good. Lately I have felt very endowed with friendship. Traveling gives you many opportunities to see that, it allows you to be grateful for the friendship you make on the road, and it reminds you of how much you miss the friendships you have at home.

Yesterday I received a gift in the mail from my friend and my couch surfing host in Ireland. I could hardly contain myself trying to open up that package and when I did my heart melted. Before looking through anything I became overcome with such a feeling of gratefulness for good friends. You see to me, friendship has never been an easy thing. I have many acquaintances in my life but it has always been hard for me to call someone a true friend. Even people I hang out with every once in a while I would just consider an acquaintance. A dear friend once said about me "she shares herself selflessly with those she trusts and earning that trust you should make your sole mission" and it is true. Unless I fully trust someone I cant quite get to that friendship level. At times I feel it is a fault as it means I am not surrounded by a large group of friends, but on the other hand I find it such a gift as the friends I have are some of the most beautiful gifts I know. Regardless, that day I needed a friend and sure enough, my friend showed up.

So back to this package, I cant explain how much it meant to me, but in short it was a reminder of another beautiful friendship I have made that is so very cherished. The package contained a few items, a few of them I wont bother explaining but two of them blessed me so very much. First was a small black sheep teddy. With Ireland being as filled with sheep as it is, it wasn't surprising that sheep were the topic of many conversations. Sheep have always been meaningful to me; because of their personality, because of their relation to the scripture, and because of the classic black sheep (a good friend of mine). Anyway, Kevin and I spoke about this many times so when I received my little teddy it made me feel so special. There is nothing better in the whole wide world than a thoughtful gift.

On our drive to the post office Tiffany and I were talking about a friend of hers who had got into a bad accident and how broken his Mom is over it. She spoke about wanting to do something but knowing what it was like to be on the receiving end and having nothing make things better no matter how hard people tried. The pain of a mother especially during that time is something that cannot be calmed regardless how good someone's intentions are. However, when Tiffany and I opened the second gift from Kevin, I saw a tiny shimmer of that hopelessness fade. Through her tears and laughter while opening her gift of a beautiful silver bracelet with celtic engraving that said Kiya, I saw a broken hearted mother receive joy in the midst of her pain. I too received an engraved necklace that said Jenelle, but the real gift was sharing that moment with Tiffany. It really was one of the best gifts imaginable.

I don't know what was special about Ireland, but it was a place that made me miss Kiya a lot. I spoke about her and my sister endlessly and Kevin just listened. He didn't try to make things better, or find some wisdom filled advise to pass along to my sister, although he too has had many heart aches because of cancer he didn't try to relate, he didn't change the subject, he didn't get uncomfortable. He was simply a friend, I was able to talk, rant, cry as much as I wanted and he just received it. I knew through some of the thoughts Kevin shared with me that Kiya and Tiffany had touched his life but by no means did I think he would be going out of his way to make such a thoughtful gesture to my sister. Thank you, thank you Kevin for the most perfect gift.

On my travels I was able to meet some beautiful people. People who made me laugh, entertained me, kept me company, challenged me, taught me, opened my eyes...I am grateful for those people but I cannot explain the gratitude of the real friendship that was made on my journey. If I could encourage someone right now, I would challenge them to think of one person that has been heavy on their hearts or on their mind and do something for them. As small as the act may seem to you, it could mean healing and hope for someone else. Kevin blessed me with friendship, he spoiled me with the most thoughtful gifts I have received in a long time, but most of all he offered my sister a gift that is irreplaceable and for that I am grateful for friendship.

Since Europe...

Wow, back home again and I have no idea what that means for me! Life has been busy since I arrived back from Europe and this blog is seeming a bit daunting to me at this point. Its not even that a ton has gone on, but a lot has been happening in my mind lately and it really is just full.

I came home the last week of July and my father picked me up from the airport with Conner and Carter and the four of us drove straight to BC. I was excited to see my family and be at the cabin but it was such a tease to just drive by my bed and not even stop to do a load of laundry, it didn't help either that I had just got off an eight hour flight. Regardless, we pulled up to the cabin in the middle of the night and I had so many emotions flowing through me that I stayed up the entire evening enjoying my own company and writing in my journal. The week with my family was awesome! My sisters, brother-in-law, niece and nephew, my parents, the boys, and my grandparents were all there which was a special treat since most of us are all usually dispersed in a million different places around the world. We spent the week enjoying the sun, the water, Mamas cooking, and one another; it was a great way to be welcomed back.

This past week I spent at Moose Lake, the bible camp that I was raised at. Tiffany and I were able to take Conner and Carter as well, which was literally was a dream come true for me. The place where so much of my spiritual foundation was laid I was now offering to the boys, I cant put into words how special that was to me. Moose feels like home, it feels like my little safe place that just wraps me up and takes me in. The community there is amazing and it is so nice to head back every year to catch up with old friends and relatives. My favorite part was definitely watching the boys though; playing in the park, impatiently waiting for canteen to open, jumping on the tramp, or stubbing their toes on the tree roots - all of it was my childhood memories turning into theirs and I just adored it. And of course God - that big man always shows up at Moose and it was awesome to spend so much time learning, praying, and listening; my spirit definitely needed the reunion. When I actually got on the plane back from Germany I wished I wasn't leaving, I thought it was ridiculous to come home for a short while only to be back again soon. The moment I drove up to the camp grounds with my sister and my bugs I knew THAT was the reason I wanted to be home.

I will say though coming back home has been tough, really tough and I have found myself retracting a lot. Since i've been home I have cried many tears, I have spent a lot of time in prayer, and too much time trying to figure out what my next step will be. I have a million things that I want to do and I just don't know which one to choose right now. Do I want to make myself a home and settle in, move to BC and begin there, find a job and start saving up again, or continue on this traveling journey that my spirit is eating up? And never mind the questions running through my mind, how about being at home again in such a different world? Adjusting back to normalcy was/is difficult. I spent so much time living off nothing and seeing everything, meeting new people that inspired me, and being alone in such a still environment. I really do miss that. It is too fast here, there are times where I feel I am treading water.
I see so many people in my life working in unfulfilling jobs, completely emerged in a consumers world, and running their butts off to keep up in the rat race. It is scary to me and extremely unappealing, and I think I big fear of mine with staying in a city like this is knowing that it wont take long before I am drug into it all over again. So yeah, ive really only been "at home" for a few days over these past three weeks and I am still finding it really difficult. I know things like this take time, but I am fearful of that as well; I am fearful time will erase my fresh eyes. I love the gifts Ive received from traveling, I am grateful for my journey, I suppose now I am just eagerly anticipating where on earth I will land this time.