Thursday, December 03, 2009

Beautifully Flawed...

Written: December 2nd 2009

I am beautifully flawed. I am wonderfully made yet filled with blemishes. I am an enticing mess, a delicious disaster. I am me, I am whole, I am broken, I am loved.

Today, I am broken, actually lately I have been broken. I don’t know if it is my travels coming to an end, the fact that I am feeling very small, insignificant, and lonely in the world lately, or that I am unaware of where my constantly changing heart will lead me when I arrive home. It is a pile of things lately, but that pile seems to be rolling into a path of ruin and my heart is worried.

You see I don’t know, I simply do not know what I want from myself. When I arrive home I want so many things, none of which can be done simultaneously. I think most people know the general direction they want their lives to go. Whether it is working on a relationship, settling down in a little city, traveling the world, whatever it is it is generally a simple direction they chose to go in. Me…nope, never. I want to go home and fall madly in love. I want to get my own little place in Calgary and get all settled in with a job. I want to move to BC, either Vancouver or Kelowna to see if my load would be lighter without those harsh Alberta winters. I want to move to Europe and date a million Europeans till I find the one who doesn’t just capture my heart (which is sometimes too easy of a mission) but who also captures my attention for more than one year down the line. I want to be a bum in my parents basement, save more money and continue to travel. I want to find a home business so I can have that up and running by the time I begin having children. I want to put some of my great little ideas into life and make nick knacks to sell at some hippy booth in a farmers market (which seem so magical to me). I want to practice my career again and do what my heart loves and yet I want to find the simplest most stress free job that makes me the most money. I want to move far far away to a land that captures my soul (I have many in mind) yet I don’t want to live far away from my family.

Contrary to many popular opinions I do not want it all, if I did this blog literally would not end but I am aware I want a lot. It is a simple equation of process of elimination I suppose but for some reason I cannot do that. I want too many things, too many opposing things and it is leaving me feeling like I am drowning in confusion. One day I want this, the next day I want that.

And so, as “home” draws near I draw back and anxiety becomes a good friend of mine. How do I make a decision and not regret leaving a different option behind. How do I figure this out? And why the heck don’t I have a general direction, most people seem to have that yet I don’t have the slightest idea. I want all my wants and it is simply not an option.

A while back I finished a book called Eleven Minutes by Paulo Coelho and in it he wrote:
She thought she would feel happy because she was going home, but she wasn’t. She thought she would feel sad because she was leaving a city that had treated her so well, but she didn’t. The only thing that she could do now was to shed a few tears, feeling rather afraid for herself, an intelligent young woman, who had everything going for her, but who tended to make the wrong decisions.

I love this quote, it makes me feel comfortable. I don’t think I always make the wrong decisions but I am scared this time I will make the wrong decision and I wont know the difference until it is too late. Oh good ol home, I cant wait to get there just to leave again!

1 comment:

Wendy said...

Oh Jen, we sooo need a Timmy's date when you get home. Timmy's will make everything better. LOL Wendy